III, Issue 9: September, 2002
Martha Stewart continues her domination of the airwaves from prison. CBS acquires
the rights to the hot new celebrity-reality series, The Clintons. We uncover
George W. Bush's "top secret" blog. Plus even more Survivor crap, Jittery
Jeff, and Cranky Andy.
III, Issue 8: August, 2002
The stars are shining bright tonight, in Celebrity American
Idol. Baseball gives
loyal fans a "gesture". Satanists apologize for underhyping upcoming
6/6/6 calendar date. Budget Rent-A-Car goes bust, we check the filing. Plus more
Survivor crap, Jittery Jeff, and Cranky Andy.
III, Issue 7: July, 2002
There will be no issue 6, because we retired the number to honor Ted Williams
(Number 9), currently being held upside down in cold storage. In the
meantime, Bush denies using steroids to break all-time fundraising record.
Analysts shocked by seamless transitions through acting Cheney Presidency.
Mattress makers rest peacefully as stock market collapses. Lucas hires Tom
Green to play final Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker role. Plus Jittery Jeff, more
Survivor crap, and our good friend Crappy.
Volume III, Issue 5: May-June, 2002
Yet another new design change excites few and is noticed by fewer. Paranoid
Bill debuts, talking about fluoride. Michael Jackson picked by pope to oversee
molesting priests. John Ashcroft to star in new ABC sitcom, John Ashcroft
Controls the Planet. Ted McGinley hired as new castmember at White House,
GOP worries relevancy may have passed. Plus, more of the usual gibberish, Survivor
crap, and things that do or don't suck.
Volume III, Issue 4: April, 2002
Our first April Fools issue. We'll try to do better
next time, really. The
True Dork Times gets bought out by telecom megagiant Faux News. As such,
much of the new content is replaced by aging, partially decomposed stories. Few
notice. Somewhere in this, Crappy, Cranky Andy, Things Which Don't Suck,
et al., manage to worm their way into the mix.
III, Issue 3: March, 2002
John Ashcroft detains the Swedish Chef. Strom Thurmond revealed to be
older than originally thought. Americans rapidly becoming unable to identify
Afghanistan. Plus the usual stuff from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and
III, Issue 2: February, 2002
This is mercifully a short month, meaning you were
exposed to these atrocities for only 28 days: A Saudi 9/11 memorial comes
under fire for ethnically diverse
depictions of hijackers. Anti-partisanship bill stalls amid Congessional
political bickering. President George W. Bush is actually a French spy. The
debut of Crappy, the Smart-Assed Toilet! And the usual drivel you've
come to expect from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff and so on. Plus a heap
of shiny new Survivor buttons to push.
III, Issue 1: January, 2002
We kick off the new year with the Second Annual
True Dork Times Year-End Awards. Yeah,
they sucked about as much as last years, but at least we have a tasteful new
trophy to go with them. Dr. Laura tapes reveal possible alternate source
of Bush's bruises. Leonardo DiCaprio launches a new career as an internet
psychic, Mr. Leo. 'Genius Award' given for revolutionary 'People Are
Morons' theory. A merciful end comes to Survivor 3, and our coverage,
which immediately switches over to Survivor 4. Plus more of the usual
stuff from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and things which Do or Don't suck.
II, Issue 12: December, 2001
We are gripped by the holiday spirit as
we trot out our Holiday Gift Guide, as well as a Northern Alliance
happy sing-along. Jar Jar Binks - the
new star of Star Wars: Episode 2. Crazy Larry's Stock Picks! And
the usual assortment of way too much Survivor stuff, Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff,
and Things Which Don't (or Do) Suck.
II, Issue 11: November, 2001
A full issue with almost no political stuff! Steinbrenner sues Satan. Our
shiny new Windows XP Quiz. An investigative report: How Bill Gates chose "Ray
of Light" as the XP theme song. Faced with continuing economic woes,
US mulls contraction. Utah "finds a way" to convince Olympic committee
to proceed, despite war. The underwhelming debut of Moronic Milestones. Plus
updates from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and tons of Survivor stuff.
II, Issue 10: October, 2001
It was the month after the month in which
the world changed. We were back to making fun of stupid things,
as part of our patriotic duty. This included:
The new-new economy of flag making; President Bush declares war on the English
language; white powder found near Whitney Houston; Indiana man claims Nobel
snub for discovering Bose-Einstein condensate after visiting Taco Bell; failed
attempts to clone Bigfoot. Also, our helpful guide to nu metal making. Plus
a bunch of the usual crap.
II, Issue 9: September, 2001
It was the month in which the world changed.
Humor suddenly had no meaning. Around
the world, topical, political satire was replaced by maudlin remembrances. Except
here, of course, where we were just too lazy to take down and/or replace our
immediately-dated Gary Condit and Bush summer vacation jokes. Luckily there
was still Survivor:Africa to ridicule. Not to mention our anniversary
celebration. We're leaving the party decorations up, in case all the guests
just got lost on the way here.
II, Issue 8: August, 2001
Martha Stewart spreads her magic to space travel. Gaijenna vs. Dobbaru! Cheneys
of Love and Love Tom Cruise top new reality TV offerings. Which
engineering TV geek show is right for me? GOP vs. Hollywood. Launch
II, Issue 7: July, 2001
Cheney gets heart, Bush next in line for
brain. Cubs acquire Jordan. So many exciting things to buy in
Skymall. Plus Surviwhore! debuts, and we take a trip
to India with Mark Hansen. Readers long for the funny, heady stuff of
the April issue.
II, Issue 6: June, 2001
Galley slaves added to new SUVs. Teletubby arrested. Sixer-friendly
NBA Finals rules instated. Disney dumbs down Discover even further. Plus
Jenna Bush, advises us on good places to drink! Yippee!
II, Issue 5: May, 2001
Apple releases the iApple for a post-computer economy; French harvest boogers;
Clinton traded to China; and South Park: The Broadway Musical! Plus
more Cranky Andy, some reader mail, and finally, an issue without Survivor.
II, Issue 4: April, 2001
Donald Trump, papal candidate? Rectal head-stuffing,
vague Presidential threat by Bush, and Star Trek riots! Plus,
amish advice from Seth, a computer quiz, and Cranky Andy's lists.
The main page passes the Survivor stuff in popularity
with this issue. Did we do something right? Nah, probably not.
II, Issue 3: March, 2001
Disney opens a new park, and you are there! G.W.B. vs PETA, more color, a flood
of visitors to the Surviv-o-meter, the dawn of baseball season, and a bunch
of other crap. Yee-haw!
II, Issue 2: February, 2001
Horoscopes! Survivor-bashing (sort of)! Computer viruses! Unnecessary
exclamation points! Don't pretend you haven't been reading....
II, Issue 1: January, 2001
A new year. A fresh start for the country. The same, tired jokes
you saw last year. That about covers it. Plus Saddam Hussein and Osama bin
Laden in a boy band! What could be funnier? Okay, you can be quiet