(a.k.a. old crap)

TDT cover

Old crap
TDT Archives

Old Survivor crap
S7 spoilers
S7 recaps

Contact us


You have reached...
The True Dork Times' Archives Section
Sorry.  Perhaps you were trying to reach  Please feel free to click there if you were. Otherwise, lick the links below to rifle through the Volume of your choice.

Volume V (2004) Volume IV (2003) Volume III (2002) Volume II (2001) Volume I (2000)
Volume V

Volume V, Issue 1:  January, 2004
This would be the one in which the True Dork Times breaks out of its Survivor-induced coma, and goes right back to making fun of TV. The Bush team plots to win over gay voters, Madonna-style. TDT News Briefs on the Mars rovers, Britney, and the Democratic Primaries. The TDT Indie-to-postpunk conversion chart. Top music stories of 2003. And (*gasp*) the 24 Life Expectancy Chart debuts.
Volume IV

Volume IV, Issue 2:  June, 2003
The life-support (on an iv, anyway) volume slogs along with one(!) new article, detailing auditions for American Scapegoat (yawn). Oh, but Crappy is still flushing away, and a few things still don't suck.

Volume IV, Issue 1:  February, 2003
The CDC, in a scary move predating the SARS and monkeypox outbreaks, warns about a strange cluster of lipbiting cases in the White House. Don't say we didn't warn you. Plus the usual crap on Survivor and so on.
Volume III

Volume III, Issue 9:  September, 2002
Martha Stewart continues her domination of the airwaves from prison. CBS acquires the rights to the hot new celebrity-reality series, The Clintons. We uncover George W. Bush's "top secret" blog. Plus even more Survivor crap, Jittery Jeff, and Cranky Andy.

Volume III, Issue 8:  August, 2002
The stars are shining bright tonight, in Celebrity American Idol. Baseball gives loyal fans a "gesture". Satanists apologize for underhyping upcoming 6/6/6 calendar date. Budget Rent-A-Car goes bust, we check the filing. Plus more Survivor crap, Jittery Jeff, and Cranky Andy.

Volume III, Issue 7:  July, 2002
There will be no issue 6, because we retired the number to honor Ted Williams (Number 9), currently being held upside down in cold storage. In the meantime, Bush denies using steroids to break all-time fundraising record. Analysts shocked by seamless transitions through acting Cheney Presidency. Mattress makers rest peacefully as stock market collapses. Lucas hires Tom Green to play final Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker role. Plus Jittery Jeff, more Survivor crap, and our good friend Crappy.

Volume III, Issue 5:  May-June, 2002
Yet another new design change excites few and is noticed by fewer. Paranoid Bill debuts, talking about fluoride. Michael Jackson picked by pope to oversee molesting priests. John Ashcroft to star in new ABC sitcom, John Ashcroft Controls the Planet. Ted McGinley hired as new castmember at White House, GOP worries relevancy may have passed. Plus, more of the usual gibberish, Survivor crap, and things that do or don't suck.

Volume III, Issue 4:  April, 2002
Our first April Fools issue. We'll try to do better next time, really.  The True Dork Times gets bought out by telecom megagiant Faux News.  As such, much of the new content is replaced by aging, partially decomposed stories.  Few notice.  Somewhere in this, Crappy, Cranky Andy, Things Which Don't Suck, et al., manage to worm their way into the mix.

Volume III, Issue 3:  March, 2002
John Ashcroft detains the Swedish Chef.  Strom Thurmond revealed to be older than originally thought.  Americans rapidly becoming unable to identify Afghanistan.  Plus the usual stuff from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and Crappy.

Volume III, Issue 2:  February, 2002
This is mercifully a short month, meaning you were exposed to these atrocities for only 28 days: A Saudi 9/11 memorial comes under fire for ethnically diverse depictions of hijackers.  Anti-partisanship bill stalls amid Congessional political bickering.  President George W. Bush is actually a French spy.  The debut of Crappy, the Smart-Assed Toilet!  And the usual drivel you've come to expect from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff and so on.  Plus a heap of shiny new Survivor buttons to push.

Volume III, Issue 1:  January, 2002
We kick off the new year with the Second Annual True Dork Times Year-End Awards.  Yeah, they sucked about as much as last years, but at least we have a tasteful new trophy to go with them.  Dr. Laura tapes reveal possible alternate source of Bush's bruises.  Leonardo DiCaprio launches a new career as an internet psychic, Mr. Leo.  'Genius Award' given for revolutionary 'People Are Morons' theory.  A merciful end comes to Survivor 3, and our coverage, which immediately switches over to Survivor 4.  Plus more of the usual stuff from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and things which Do or Don't suck.

Volume II

Volume II, Issue 12:  December, 2001
We are gripped by the holiday spirit as we trot out our Holiday Gift Guide, as well as a Northern Alliance happy sing-along.  Jar Jar Binks - the new star of Star Wars: Episode 2.  Crazy Larry's Stock Picks!  And the usual assortment of way too much Survivor stuff, Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and Things Which Don't (or Do) Suck.

Volume II, Issue 11:  November, 2001
A full issue with almost no political stuff!  Steinbrenner sues Satan.  Our shiny new Windows XP Quiz.  An investigative report: How Bill Gates chose "Ray of Light" as the XP theme song.  Faced with continuing economic woes, US mulls contraction.  Utah "finds a way" to convince Olympic committee to proceed, despite war.  The underwhelming debut of Moronic Milestones.  Plus updates from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and tons of Survivor stuff.

Volume II, Issue 10:  October, 2001
It was the month after the month in which the world changed. We were back to making fun of stupid things, as part of our patriotic duty.  This included: The new-new economy of flag making; President Bush declares war on the English language; white powder found near Whitney Houston; Indiana man claims Nobel snub for discovering Bose-Einstein condensate after visiting Taco Bell; failed attempts to clone Bigfoot. Also, our helpful guide to nu metal making.  Plus a bunch of the usual crap.

Volume II, Issue 9:  September, 2001
It was the month in which the world changed. Humor suddenly had no meaning.  Around the world, topical, political satire was replaced by maudlin remembrances.  Except here, of course, where we were just too lazy to take down and/or replace our immediately-dated Gary Condit and Bush summer vacation jokes. Luckily there was still Survivor:Africa to ridicule. Not to mention our anniversary celebration. We're leaving the party decorations up, in case all the guests just got lost on the way here.

Volume II, Issue 8:  August, 2001
Martha Stewart spreads her magic to space travel. Gaijenna vs. Dobbaru! Cheneys of Love and Love Tom Cruise top new reality TV offerings.  Which engineering TV geek show is right for me?  GOP vs. Hollywood.  Launch of Survihumor.

Volume II, Issue 7:  July, 2001
Cheney gets heart, Bush next in line for brain. Cubs acquire Jordan. So many exciting things to buy in Skymall. Plus Surviwhore! debuts, and we take a trip to India with Mark Hansen.  Readers long for the funny, heady stuff of the April issue.

Volume II, Issue 6:  June, 2001
Galley slaves added to new SUVs.  Teletubby arrested.  Sixer-friendly NBA Finals rules instated.  Disney dumbs down Discover even further.  Plus Jenna Bush, advises us on good places to drink!  Yippee!

Volume II, Issue 5:  May, 2001
Apple releases the iApple for a post-computer economy; French harvest boogers; Clinton traded to China; and South Park: The Broadway Musical!  Plus more Cranky Andy, some reader mail, and finally, an issue without Survivor.

Volume II, Issue 4:  April, 2001
Donald Trump, papal candidate? Rectal head-stuffing, vague Presidential threat by Bush, and Star Trek riots!  Plus, amish advice from Seth, a computer quiz, and Cranky Andy's lists. The main page passes the Survivor stuff in popularity with this issue. Did we do something right? Nah, probably not.

Volume II, Issue 3:  March, 2001
Disney opens a new park, and you are there! G.W.B. vs PETA, more color, a flood of visitors to the Surviv-o-meter, the dawn of baseball season, and a bunch of other crap. Yee-haw!

Volume II, Issue 2:  February, 2001
Horoscopes!  Survivor-bashing (sort of)! Computer viruses! Unnecessary exclamation points!  Don't pretend you haven't been reading....

Volume II, Issue 1:  January, 2001
A new year.  A fresh start for the country.  The same, tired jokes you saw last year. That about covers it. Plus Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden in a boy band!  What could be funnier?  Okay, you can be quiet now.

Volume I

Volume I, Issue 2:  November-December, 2000
Okay, we tried our hardest to avoid mentioning the election thing, but really, did you expect us to stand idly by while the two king morons had their daily slugfests?  At least let it be noted that we tried to keep our coverage to a minimum, so as not to be confused with MSNBC.  Don't forget the debut of Dobba-ru!

Volume I, Issue 1:  September, 2000
This is where it all started.  Perfect for internet geeks who spam discussions with complaints about how we just aren't funny any more.  Here's the proof we sucked from the start.

Back to the True Dork Times