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May-June,
2002
Current issue:
Click here
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Volume
III
No. 5 |
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Today's fun-filled,
fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good
folks at Deathsuite:
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| NEWS
If you can read this, email us at truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com |
Attorney
General to star in ABC sitcom, John Ashcroft Controls the Planet
The ABC television network today unveiled plans to cast Attorney General
John Ashcroft in his own quirky sitcom. The politician will play
a mid-level bureaucrat with an overactive imagination. The worker,
also named "John," spends each half hour fantasizing about such
hilarity-filled topics as collating documents, imprisoning disagreeable
coworkers, and making hot, sweet love to the flag.
Click here for the full story.
Paranoid
Bill reports
White
Out: The pacification of the American population
After months of receiving cryptic carrier pigeon-borne missives from
our favorite shut-in, Paranoid Bill, we've decided to run one this month.
He has a bone to pick with sodium fluoride. Go figure.
Click here for the full story.
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Pope
selects pop star Michael Jackson to oversee embattled clerics
Seeking to stifle criticism that the Vatican was unresponsive to the
crisis sweeping the American Catholic church, Pope John Paul II announced
yesterday that he would establish a new post to oversee charges of sexual
abuse by priests. In a surprise move, entertainer Michael Jackson
was selected to fill this investigative/ disciplinary role. The
Pope praised Jackson, saying "he will bring a good non-Catholic perspective
to the problem."
(This story is coming soon).
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White
House hires Ted McGinley, GOP strategists start to worry
In a surprise move, aimed a replacing departing Presidential adviser Karen
Hughes, the White House today announced the hiring of perennial late-season
TV cast addition Ted McGinley. McGinley will serve as Presidential
adviser and confidante, as well as directing the newly-created Office
of Social Stuff.
(This story is coming soon).
News
Briefs
French
surrender to Le Pen
Frightened by the surging popularity and rabid anti-Semitic and
anti-immigrant views of Jean-Marie Le Pen, France officially surrendered
to the presidential candidate yesterday. "It looks like another
fascist regime is going to come to power in Europe, so we might
as well get this out of the way as soon as possible," explained
sitting President Jacques Chirac. |
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| LIVING
Actually, this section has very little to do with real life. |
Cranky Andy!
Need
some surefire fun activities with which to celebrate Cinco de Mayo?
Cranky Andy's many lists of things is the place to shop. He has
quite a collection here.
Jittery Jeff!
Okay,
we discovered long ago that this Jeff guy is actually a weak rip-off
of the formerly prolific Cranky Andy. Still, he's marginally better
than nothing. Click here to see his lists.
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Step this way for
quick links to our way-too-large collection of Survivor content.
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General Survivor crap |
Survivor 5: Thailand crap |
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Surviwhore!
Making fun of instant demi-celebrities. Newly
refurbished to mock Survivors 2 through 4. |
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Yes, this show is already filming. Check
out our S5 calendar to see what's
going on. |
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If you don't get our Survivor-related
humor , you probably should watch the show. No wait, don't do
that. |
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Want
to know who's getting the boot? So did we. But we were dumb
enough to guess, in our Survivometer
5 . |
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Nostalgic for Survivor: Marquesas? Didn't think
so. Still, feel free to relive the trauma with our
S4 episode recaps . |
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Want to ruin the show for yourself or others? Cool! Stop by our
S5 Spoiler section, to see what we
have to offer. |
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| EDITORIAL
Hoping to fill more table cells with empty texture in the near future. |
Link
Popping
Virtual Bubblewrap.
One of the many can't-live-without activities brought to you by the
saintly folks at Urban
75.
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Crappy's
Bowl o' Flushing
We've invited our new mascot, Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet, to write
his own column. Stop by each month to hear his hilarity-filled take
on an especially flushable topic. Watch out, he may have a potty
mouth!
This month's victim: A grab
bag of fecality. |
Things
which don't suck
Despite appearances to the contrary, there are actually a few things in
the world that do not sink to the level of suckdom. Very, very few.
After an exhaustive search, we've uncovered a small collection. Click
here to see what we found. |
Archives
Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times? Well, we suppose
we'll allow you to view our archives,
anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again. |
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E-mail
us
Hate what you see? Of course you do! We wouldn't be doing
our job otherwise. Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com |
