Please visit our generous sponsor:


Volume III, No. 1                              January, 2002
Current issue: Click here.

Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                 If you can read this, email us at truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Anonymous Dr. Laura call suggests alternate source of Bush bruises
    Investigations by 24-hour news channels have uncovered new information regarding President George W. Bush's fainting spell.  This turbulent domestic crisis took a more sinister turn yesterday, when reports surfaced that the President's facial abrasions may in fact be linked to an anonymous domestic abuse call to the "Dr. Laura" radio show.
Click here for the full story.

The True Dork Times 2001 Year-End Awards
    The year 2001 is over.  Boy, did it ever suck.  So, just in case 2002 tries to cop some kind of attitude, we're going to kick 2001 while it's down.  Let that be a warning to you, you little snot-nosed New Year's punk.
Click here for the full story.

Mr. Leo's psychic predictions for 2002
    What's a formerly white-hot young actor to do when his career arc starts to resemble that of Corey Feldman, rather than that of Brad Pitt?  Why, turn to his heretofore untapped prognosticatory powers, of course! 
    Leonardo DiCaprio is here this month, waiving his usual appearance fee to show us what's in store for 2002.  And remember: Mr. Leo knows the truth!
Click here for Leo's forecast.
 

Philosopher awarded 'genius' grant for People Are Morons theory
    Brown University philosopher Mike Su has been awarded a "genius award" from the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, in recognition of the immeasurable contribution to world peace his "People Are Morons," or "PAM," theory has produced. Suddenly, it all makes sense.
Click here for the full story.
 


 

LIVING 

Cranky Andy!
    Start your new year off right by wandering through Crank Andy's many lists of things.  Newly refitted for 2002. We have quite a collection here.

Jittery Jeff!
    Okay, we discovered long ago that this Jeff guy is actually a weak rip-off of the formerly prolific Cranky Andy. Still, he's marginally better than nothing. Click here to see his lists.


Surviwhore!
    America's second-favorite pastime, making fun of instant demi-celebrities, continues to enthrall the country. Click here to see the latest goings on.  Now including Survivor:Africa!		 More Survivor crap...
    Mercifully, Survivor 3 is now over.  Unfortunately, Survivor 4 is already  done filming, meaning we can't help ourselves.  Keep track of what's leaked out with our lame Survivor: Marquesas calendar.
    We also have a growing collection of Survivor 4 spoilers accumulating here.

    For those of you nostalgic for S3, check out our largely yawn-inducing collection of Survivor-related humor here.
    Miss an episode of Survivor: Africa?  Okay, maybe "miss" is too strong. Check out our Survivor episode recaps here, to get the True Dork Times take on what those idiots did. 

EDITORIAL                      Hoping to fill more table cells with empty texture in the near future.

Links
    Mr. T vs. Everything.  If these stories aren't a good enough reason to run out and buy Photoshop, we don't know what is.
    The Ornery Reports.  Proof that New Zealanders can make smarmy fake news fun just as well as we can.

Things which don't suck
    Despite appearances to the contrary, there are actually a few things in the world that do not sink to the level of suckdom. Very, very few.  After an exhaustive search, we've uncovered a small collection. Click here to see what we found.		 Moronic Milestones
    Seemingly on a daily basis, we are confronted with acts of such indescribable idiocy, we just feel compelled to share them with the world.  As we suspected, this column has been much easier to fill each month than the one to the left.
E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.