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  Volume II, No. 9                      September, 2001
Current issue: Click here.

Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                            The True Dork Times is one year old this month!  Send your birthday greetings to: truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com 

Starved for media exposure, Condit lands role in 'Temptation Island 2'
    Concerned that voters in his district may not recognize his name on 2002 ballots, California Congressman Gary Condit has secured a starring role in FOX television's sequel to the critically lauded Temptation Island series.  Condit sought a means by which voters can familiarize themselves with his strong family values and conservative, "Blue Dog" Democrat politics.
Click here for the full story.		 Mars face believers see Survivor photos as proof of design
     Satellite photos revealing the site of the Survivor: Africa's filming in Kenya, featured recently on NBC's Today Show and in USA Today, reveal a ring-like perimeter containing multiple round structures. Believers in the "Mars Face" have leaped on these images, claiming they offer irrefutable proof that the Cydonia mound on Mars was constructed by an intelligent species.
Click here for the full story. 

'What I did on my summer vacation'
AN ESSAY
by President George W. Bush
     A lot of people think I don't work very hard, but that's not true. Uncle Dick made me write this essay during my vacation, and he said it had to be at least a page. That's a lot of words! Anyways, it all started back in July.
Click here for the full story.  		The scariest picture ever shown on the web
    Halloween is rapidly approaching, and we thought we'd get you in the mood with this horrific visual image.  Be forewarned: this may cause permanent psychological and/or retinal damage. People with pacemakers and pregnant women are not advised to continue.  Kids, get your parents' permission.
Click here if you dare.

INSIDE THE TRUE DORK TIMES
Meet the True Dork Times staff!
    Yes, it's that moment you've all been waiting for.  In honor of our first anniversary, we're raising the portcullis, sending our rooftop snipers home early, and inviting everyone in for a good old-fashioned open house.  Stroll down our luxuriant marble halls!  Marvel at our exquisite taste in bathroom accoutrements (why yes, that is a bidet)!  Oh yeah, and uh, meet the geeks that put this together each month.
Click here for the guided tour.
LIVING                                   Have you seen Jessie Camacho?


Cranky Andy!
    We trot out Cranky Andy's lists one more time. Click here.  Has anybody seen Cranky Andy lately?  Maybe he's busy filming the new season of The Mole or something.

Jittery Jeff!
    As each month passes, our antipathy towards this copycat list-o-phile fades ever so imperceptibly.  No wait, it doesn't.  He sucks.
Click here, anyway.
 
Surviwhore!
    It's the fun new game that former Survivor contestants are playing in the real world!  With the  Surviwhore-o-meter, we track who the winners and losers are in the white-knuckle race to become the most shameless media whore. 		 INSIDE THE TRUE DORK TIMES
Questions and Answers with the TDT
    One of the most frequent complaints we get here at the True Dork Times is: "Hey, who made you the expert on such-and-such?"  Well, we're here to inform you that even though we did, in fact, invent such-and-such, in our new spirit of openness, we're willing to answer some important reader questions.  Click here to get the full scoop.

More Survivor crap
    Itching to know stuff about the upcoming Survivor: Africa?  Here's some crappy info.
     Or, perhaps you'd prefer to mosey over to our slightly-more arch section of Survivor Humor. 

EDITORIAL                                                      Does anyone actually read this section?

NYC
     Click here for a True Dork Times-endorsed message from the survivors in New York City back to the terrorists.

The Rant Page
    There's rapidly aging content on The Rant Page!  Try as we might, we can't convince anyone to contribute to this with any frequency. This is your arena to sound off about whatever you find irritating.  Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?  As we've said before:  Our standards are low, and we have space to fill.		 Coming next month:
    Hey, we busted our brains pouring out this pool of swill!  You really think we plan these things this far in advance?  Check back in a few weeks to see more stuff we're working on like Japanese beavers.
- "How to tell apart all these nu metal bands"
(okay, we keep blowing this off, we know. It's just really, really hard).
INTERACT                                                    Bored? Yeah, us too...

    We've added a few more things to our ever-changing list of Things Which Don't Suck. 
    We stuck this in the "Interact" section as a gentle hint that it's supposed to be, well, interactive.  That would involve *ahem* contributions from readers. 

Link
    The web is a scary, scary place.  We'd like you to think of us as your training wheels.  Here's this month's True Dork Times-endorsed link:

    Paint the moon!  Yes, finally an important use for millions of laser pointers. Sure, it has no chance at all of working; we just want to encourage lots of people do it anyway. It makes it easier to figure out which ones of you to steer clear of.

E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com


Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.