Please visit our generous sponsor:


Volume II, No. 12                      December, 2001
Current issue: click here.

Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                 If you can read this, email us at truedorktimes@yahoo.com

Lucas rewrites second 'Star Wars' prequel to increase focus on Jar Jar
    In a surprise move, Star Wars series creator and producer George Lucas broke his customary silence about his upcoming project yesterday.  Lucas announced that the script had been completely rewritten, in order to increase the focus on computer-animated character Jar Jar Binks.  Additionally, Lucas confirmed he had hired hip director Spike Jonez to re-shoot several scenes, and that the much-anticipated Episode II prequel will now be titled Being Jar Jar Binks. 
Click here for the full story.

News Briefs
Anthrax found at North Pole
    Trace amounts of anthrax spores were discovered at the North Pole today, the Justice Department announced.  "This won't help Osama in the naughty vs. nice department," a disgruntled Santa told reporters, "and he wasn't doing too well this year as it was."


Crazy Larry's Stock Picks!
    Welcome fellow traders! It's that time again to take a look at our portfolios and get to trading!  With the war all but over, this issue will focus on what stocks to buy and sell now that our time of national crisis has passed, and the rebuilding has begun. And remember what Crazy Larry says, "Just because there was a war, it doesn't mean that you can't make a buck!"
Click here for all of Crazy Larry's insight.

A True Dork Times Sing-Along
Here's the story...
    Nothing quite brings to mind the Holidays like a good batch of forced group singing.  In our continuing efforts to both educate and entertain, here's our happy salute to the good guys of the War on Terrorism.  At least, we hope they're still the good guys by the time you read this.
Click here for a holiday musical treat.

The True Dork Times 
Holiday Gift Guide
    There's always one person on your list who's just impossible to shop for.  True Dork Times to the rescue! This timely collection of holiday gifts is sure to please even your most discerning recipient.  Shop away!

The Holiday Gift Set of Sharp Biomedical Waste, now only $49.99!

LIVING                  Do we have upcoming coverage of Temptation Island 2?  Be very afraid...

Cranky Andy!
    He's back!  Cranky Andy has heaping piles of new lists ready for your amusement. 
Click here to read them. 

Ask Seth
    America's favorite Amish advice columnist is back to dispense his high-tech wisdom.

Jittery Jeff!
    Okay, this Jeff guy is actually a weak rip-off of Cranky Andy.  Click here to see his lists.

Surviwhore!
    America's second-favorite pastime, making fun of instant demi-celebrities, continues to enthrall the country. Click here to see the latest goings on.  Now including Survivor:Africa!

More Survivor crap...
    That's right, one page wasn't enough.  See our woefully inaccurate boot odds at the Survivometer 3, here.
    We also have analysis, speculation and spoilers for the current episode, here.
    If that doesn't whet your whistle, check out our largely yawn-inducing collection of Survivor-related humor here.
    Miss an episode of Survivor: Africa?  Okay, maybe "miss" is too strong. Check out our Survivor episode recaps here, to get the True Dork Times take on what those idiots did.

     Groan along with us: Survivor 4 is filming until December 21st.  Keep track of what's happening with our mostly lame Survivor: Marquesas calendar here.

EDITORIAL                       Subliminable, still.

The Rant Page
    There are new rants on the The Rant Page!  You could be next: Our standards are low, and we have space to fill.

Moronic Milestones
    Yes, we have a new monthly feature!  Seemingly on a daily basis, we are confronted with acts of such indescribable idiocy, we just feel compelled to share them with the world.  We suspect this column will be much easier to fill each month than the one to the right.		 Things which don't suck
    Despite appearances to the contrary, there are actually a few things in the world that do not sink to the level of suckdom. Very, very few.  After an exhaustive search, we've uncovered a small collection. 
Click here to see what we found.
INTERACT                    If you've scrolled down this far, you are a very brave soul

Not coming very soon:
Where's Osama?
    We had thought of making an educational game that will teach everyone how to find terrorist masterminds amidst a field of normal-looking citizens. But upon further review, we realized this was hard. Sorry!

Link
   The web is a scary, scary place. We'd like you to think of us as your training wheels.  This month's True Dork Times-endorsed link:

Which Survivor are you?
Yes, we desperately needed more Survivor related content here, but we would be completely shirking our duty not to provide you with the opportunity to discover you are most like Tom Buchanan.  Courtesy of emode.

E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.