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Volume III, No. 2                           February, 2002
Current issue: Click here.

Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                 If you can read this, email us at truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Saudi memorial under fire for ethnically diverse depictions of hijackers
    A proposed Saudi Arabian sculpture memorializing the September 11th hijackers has generated intense controversy among Saudi citizens, because the three hijackers depicted have been re-cast as multi-ethnic: An Arabic man, a Viking warrior, and what appears to be 12th-century warlord Genghis Khan.  The artist defended his decision as "reflecting the all-encompassing diversity of our jihad."
Click here for the full story

News Briefs
Enron looking for Dick
    Executives at Enron have issued a public plea for anyone knowing the whereabouts of Vice President Dick Cheney to please contact them immediately.  "We're worried sick that he might not get our Valentine in time this year," a company spokesperson said.

Anti-partisanship bills stalled in Congressional limbo
    After enduring years of the petty bickering, grandstanding, and character assassination pervading the Capitol, members of both parties stepped forward recently with legislation banning such actions.  After a brief discussion, however, the competing bills each languish in Congressional limbo, as neither house's leadership is willing to allow the other's to proceed to a vote, effectively killing the legislations' prospects of passage.
Click here for the full story.

Terrorist threat results in heightened Bud Bowl security
    Continuing threats of terrorist activity have necessitated higher security at this year's most anticipated athletic event, the Bud Bowl 2002.  Event organizers say that President George W. Bush himself has pledged the full use and cooperation of U.S. military units in maintaining order.  "I just don't want to see those cute bottles getting hurt." 

U.S. Government warily eyes hostile takeover threat from the French
    It is a conspiracy centuries in the making, but highly classified government sources reveal the biggest threat to the United States may not be terrorism, but a surprise takeover by the French.  "French agents have infiltrated our country at every level," said a seemingly stunned Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. 
Click here for the full story.

LIVING                             Actually, this section has very little to do with real life.

Cranky Andy!
   Need some surefire winning phrases with which to woo your fiancee on Valentine's Day?  Cranky Andy's many lists of things is the place to shop.  Newly refitted for 2002. He has quite a collection here.

Jittery Jeff!
   Okay, we discovered long ago that this Jeff guy is actually a weak rip-off of the formerly prolific Cranky Andy. Still, he's marginally better than nothing. Click here to see his lists.

Step this way for quick links to our way-too-large collection of Survivor content.
General Survivor crap Survivor 4: Marquesas crap
Surviwhore!
Making fun of instant demi-celebrities. Still going...

Wade through our piddling collection of Survivor 4 spoilers.
Still bored? Try our S4 calendar.
If you don't get our Survivor-related humor, you probably should watch the show. No wait, don't do that. Want to know who's getting the boot?  So do we. But we're dumb enough to guess, in our Survivometer 4.
Nostalgic for  Survivor: Africa?  Didn't think so. Still, feel free to relive the trauma with our S3 episode recaps. Avoid an episode of Survivor 4?  Bravo. Instead, try our S4 episode recaps. Tastes bitter, less fulfilling.
EDITORIAL                      Hoping to fill more table cells with empty texture in the near future.

Link
The Brunching Shuttlecocks. 
We're particularly fond of the Geek Hierarchy and monthly Ratings section.

Crappy's Bowl o' Flushing
    We've invited our new mascot, Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet, to write his own column.  Stop by each month to hear his hilarity-filled take on an especially flushable topic.  Watch out, he may have a potty mouth!
    This month's victim: The Grammys.		 Things which don't suck
    Despite appearances to the contrary, there are actually a few things in the world that do not sink to the level of suckdom. Very, very few.  After an exhaustive search, we've uncovered a small collection. Click here to see what we found.
E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Meet our new mascot
We're so sure you'll love our little green friend that we've given him his own column (above). Say hello to Crappy, the Smart-Assed Toilet!   Why?  Because everybody* loves a little toilet humor.

*Except women, the elderly, and religious fundamentalists. But that's almost everyone.

Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.