Today's exciting headlines, brought to you by the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:

NEWS

• Physics Nobel Prize to teen pop stars Durst, Aguilera, Spears for 'warm fusion' discovery
• Republicans replace U.S. government with monarchy
• Japanese fear invasion by Dobba-ru, son of Bush-ra
• U2, Sting vie for coveted Jagger Trophy for Most Irrelevant Former Artist
• Clear Channel celebrates death of radio music

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