Today's exciting headlines, brought to you by the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:

NEWS

• Scientist cures cancer a record six times in one week
• Democrats, Republicans switch platforms
• Torch-wielding mob strikes victorious blow against "Frankenfood"

• Baseball: Selig demotes Cubs' "stupid" manager, GM

• Now featuring: micro-short stories for the seriously attention-deficit impaired!
• Wilbur
• Yodel

• The Rant Page!

Coming soon!

• Tokyo residents fear invasion of Dobba-ru, Son of Bush-ra!
• FCC forces MTV to change its name