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Volume II, No. 11                     November, 2001
Current issue: click here.

Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                 If you can read this, email us at truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Steinbrenner sues Satan, alleges breach of contract
    George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, has filed suit against Satan, the Prince of Darkness, in New York District Court, for breach of contract.  Steinbrenner claims that Satan breached their eternal contract by allowing the Diamondbacks to win Game 7 of the World Series. "I have pledged my eternal soul to him," Steinbrenner commented. "The least he can do is give me the four consecutive World Series titles he promised."
Click here for the full story.

Take our all-new Microsoft Windows XP quiz!
    New operating systems can be confusing. What with all the shiny new icons, the plugging and the playing, your head can just start spinning.  We feel your pain.  Thankfully, our handy quiz can relax your furrowed brow.
Click here to see what you need to know.

A True Dork Times Investigative Report
How Bill Gates chose 'Ray of Light' as the Windows XP theme song
    Our crack Redmond surveillance team has uncovered a piece of paper that, remarkably, didn't make it into the shredder.  As near as we can tell, it's a page from Bill's own notepad, in which he has jotted down his thoughts on the advertising linchpin for Microsoft's brand-new operating system.
Click here for a must-read revelation.

Faced with continuing financial difficulties, U.S. mulls contraction
    Government insiders report that, in seeking relief from a deepening economic downturn, White House and Congressional leaders are taking a cue from major league baseball.  Speaking on condition of anonymity, sources confirm that the government is considering "folding... at least two" habitually underperforming U.S. states, in the interest of preserving the long-term prosperity of the nation as a whole.
Click here for the full story.

IOC persuaded to move forward on Salt Lake Olympics, despite war
    The International Olympic Committee has assured the Salt Lake City 2002 Olympic Committee that the Winter Olympic Games scheduled for this February will proceed as planned.  Doubts about the games were raised earlier this month after the United States began its bombing campaign on Afghanistan. "It is not technically a 'war,' because the US is fighting a concept, not a country," explained IOC President Jacques Rogge.  "It's like the war on drugs, or the war on poverty."
Click here for the full story.
 

LIVING                  Psst, Mark Burnett, the last check bounced - this time, make it a cashier's check, okay?


Cranky Andy!
    He's back!  Cranky Andy has heaping piles of new lists ready for your amusement. 
Click here to read them. 

Jittery Jeff!
    We moved him over here in the layout process, to skillfully conceal the fact that this Jeff guy is actually a weak rip-off of Cranky Andy.  Ssh! It's our secret.
Click here to see his lists.
Surviwhore!
    America's second-favorite pastime, making fun of instant demi-celebrities, continues to enthrall the country. Click here to see the latest goings on.  Now including Survivor:Africa!		 More Survivor crap...
    That's right, one page wasn't enough.  Despite our better judgement, we have some weak info on Survivor: Africa at the official True Dork Times Survivometer 3, here.
    We also have analysis, speculation and spoilers for the current episode, here.
    If that doesn't whet your whistle, check out our largely yawn-inducing collection of Survivor-related humor here.
    Miss an episode of Survivor: Africa?  Okay, maybe that's too strong. Did you manage not to watch one or more?  If so, check out our Survivor episode recaps here, to get the True Dork Times take on what those idiots did.
EDITORIAL                       Subliminable, still.

The Rant Page
    There are new rants on the The Rant Page!  You could be next: Our standards are low, and we have space to fill.

Moronic Milestones
    Yes, we have a new monthly feature!  Seemingly on a daily basis, we are confronted with acts of such indescribable idiocy, we just feel compelled to share them with the world.  We suspect this column will be much easier to fill each month than the one to the right.		 Things which don't suck
    Despite appearances to the contrary, there are actually a few things in the world that do not sink to the level of suckdom. Very, very few.  After an exhaustive search, we've uncovered a small collection. 
Click here to see what we found.
INTERACT                    If you've scrolled down this far, you are a very brave soul

Coming very soon:
Where's Osama?
    We're working on an educational game that will teach everyone how to find terrorist masterminds amidst a field of normal-looking citizens. (Really!) ETA: November 15th.

Link
   The web is a scary, scary place. We'd like you to think of us as your training wheels.  This month's True Dork Times-endorsed link:

Drunkgamers.com! Not that we would ever waste our time drinking, playing video games, or both.  No, not us, that's for sure.  But these happy fellows seem to be doing a fine job of it.

E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.