Long story short: I'm doomed. Short story long: I'll try to fool 'em with a fake idol, please continue watching.

Just kidding, I can't even look myself.

Well, time to go fishing in my backpack for that fake idol. In your face, Keith. I actually caught something when I went fishing.

(Editor's note: So did Keith, just not fish.)

Choose your answer: (A) The Magna Carta; (B) The button that resets the clock in the hatch; (C) Tyler Perry's Super-Special Idol 2.0, (D) The remaining scraps of Jeff Probst's soul; (E) You tell me! I broke my glasses two weeks ago!

I know you couldn't be lying to me, because if you're faking, we'll just vote you out. So, phew, thanks for the intel.

That Dale sure is helpful.

Alec Christy: basically a Nostradamus.

Dammit, did you just say that on camera, Alec? Now it's totally gonna happen.

Blank stare

Blank stare

Why did everyone get all quiet all of a sudden? I've got a bad feeling about this.

*Cue Imperial Death March*

Mine? Mine?

You guyyyys! I'm here!

Who IS that guy? Ohhhhh, look at the twitter handle down at the bottom. Maybe if we tweet that guy he'll tell us.

This is VERY serious. Must. Avoid. Snickering.

Okay, guys. You've gone through an entire bag of rice in 11 days. It's now day 14, and we have 25 days to go. Do you know what I think you are?

Um... hungry?

NO, KITTY! THAT'S A BAD KITTY!

Is this guy for real?

In my defense, I was actually hungry. I guess the word he was looking for was 'penitent.' Sometimes it's hard to remember vocabulary on 10 calories a day.

Dude, you're jacking our stuff, and we have to do the work for you?

Here you go, Mr. Probst, sir. Please don't edit me out of the show.

I plan to freeze if it rains. Please don't edit that into the show.

Jeff Probst, basically a reverse Santa Claus

Later, at the arena.... Wes: There was a Kelley on this show?

Mmm, non-refrigerated meats.

Um, Jeff? If we win that, can we trade it for all our stuff that you just took?

Okay? Survivors ready? I've covered the reward again, just like your eyes.

It's so dark, Jeff! Turn off the dark!

Wait. Did you say I want the red pieces, or not?

Duels: FEEL the excitement. (Get it? Feel? Blindfolds? Come on, people. Oh, right, you're not allowed to make noise. Fine.)

I'm not feeling this

Wes uses his imaginary pull-up bar to stave off boredom

Probst comes over to check for red pieces

Reed celebrates by using his imaginary pull-up bar

I'm not crying, Jeff. Someone put poison tree sap in this blindfold!

I feel your pain, Reed

I still get a participant's trophy, or a medal or something, right?

The Hunahpus politely wipe their hands in anticipation of the barbecue

Well, Julie. I heard you were worried about the loss of the tarp. How about going to Exile?

Um. No.

Pick me! I will do it! I am totally not going to form a post-merge alliance that will come back to haunt you! Don't worry!

Heh.

Um, yes.

After we're done with the barbecue, we can have swordfights with the skewers!

Wayll, almost caught a fish. Oh... no I didn't.

Dude, even the howler monkey isn't buying it.

Are y'all talking about voting me out? But I have bait!

It would be sad to lose Keith and his bait, but we do a gigantic bag of rice

Maybe people just forget he's there, like Jaclyn.

I came out here to get songwriting lessons from Baylor. That's right, the Twinnies are going to be country pop stars!

So yeah, basically it's just three or four chords, pick a melody with as few notes as possible, and sing about boys.

'Buried' is a little too metal as lyrics go, but yeah, absolutely include 'flag' as often as possible.

Mmm, still-uncooked meat.

...und ve are here to pump... YOU up!

*Groan* Didn't that bit die out in the early '90s?

Hanz and Franz are a lot less bulky these days, but they're also more open with their feelings

Dat's right, girly man. Cook zat meat. Ja.

They had a point, I *was* wearing a skirt

Can we just stop this? Josh & Reed are not German bodybuilders, okay? I don't care if they did reboot that bit for some crappy commercials.

Not to worry, it's probably just diluted poison tree sap.

Survivor! F*** yeah!

Man, I hope Natalie is learning some good country-pop tips on Exile.

Yeah, it was hard to sleep through all the complaining this woman in a gray hoodie was doing.

Julie, I am Jeremy of the Extremely Forked Tongue. I have come to comfort you. Or to scare you out of your wits. One of the two.

Okay, fine, I'm up.

Told ya we'd be screwed without our roof.

Thanks for not letting us trade our barbecue for a tarp, Probst.

Thanks for not criticizing our tribe, even though we're eating rice at twice the rate Hunahpu is, Probst

Wait, why are singling me out in the 'someone WILL be voted out tonight' bit?

Cube warriors

Go, you guys! Don't give up! Quitting is for losers!

It's important to cast ex-college football players, for their skills in spinning puzzle bags along springs.

See? 100% of firefighters have difficulty with this. Although Jeremy also ran track.

Okay, only 50% of firefighters messed this up. Fine.

Okay, but 100% of ex-football players are also great at flag puzzles.

Missy, sorting out the flag pieces with care.

Well, let's say ex-football players are good at 75% of flag puzzle pieces, at least.

That ain't right.

Activate the heroic puzzle cam!

From your body language, I'm sensing you guys did not enjoy my country-pop song. Fine. Maybe it still needs a bit of work.

A Maya snake-god with a human head? Seems legit.

After some minor tweaks, everyone danced to Natalie's new song. Christmas is saved!

Dale's just-lost-a-challenge stance

Flashback: Dale's just-won-a-challenge stance.

Pretty sure we won. Just look at Dale's stance! Trust me, I've been with that guy since Day 1.

Good news, Julie! You get to spend another night here! And I see some rainclouds on the horizon!

Someone's loved one is going home tonight! Spoiler alert: It's Kelley's.

Having to listen to Natalie's song was pretty exhausting. Time to take a nap.

Way to be demotivational to the poor tarantula, Survivor. It's doing the best it can.

If you promise to not vote me out, I'll give the fake idol you haven't asked me to give you.

I think ol' Gil is finally going to make a sale!

You won't regret this! Probably!

Oh, man! I can't wait to start making mischief with that fake idol. Voting out Keith. And... other stuff. Maybe.

Hey, let's split the vote. It's always fun.

Well, that's settled. Anybody want some rice?

You don't say.

A chilling vision of things to come.

And so... the sun FINALLY sets on the Coyopa tribe. Good riddance.

Oh great, they already set Dale on fire. That's not very nice.

Dale, probably saying something about Baylor. Her ears are burning.

Ha, I'm just crying because it hurts to be set aflame, Probst.

Disapproving Jon & Jaclyn disapprove.

What? Dale said I was flip-flopper! That's crazy, right?

Oh well, old news. Let's move on.

Sigh.

Wait, can I still have your fake idol?