Episode 4: "We're a Hot Mess"
Survivor 29: San Juan del Sur Vidcap gallery
Relive the highlights of this strategic masterpiece of an episode below.
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Yes! I'm averaging almost two votes against per episode! No paparazzi, please. -
Where it's revealed Josh is the puppetmaster of the canteen -
I'm on the outs. Looks like I need to break my glasses again. Has anyone seen them? -
Is that... yes it is! It's a prototype iPad Nano! 70% smaller than the iPhone 6! -
You might not want to tell Keith, lest he try to break a jar with it, or whatnot. -
Either way, we all know Drew's feeling nappy. -
Drew practices his butterfly knife skillz with the newly rediscovered flint -
I'm not at Exile Island in this part of the episode, but stay tuned! I will be! -
I'm not sure what Drew just told you guys, but I assume it included the words 'fishing gear,' over and over -
The good news is, Keith managed to get the jar open with it -
Contemplating the relative efficacy of an empty-virus vaccine versus an antibody-based therapy for Ebola -
Smiles, everybody! Smiles! This is your big entrance! Sell it! -
Wow, they cut John faster than did the 2003 Rays -
Not clapping: Kelley and Jeremy (and Julie). Probably just tired from running the game. -
Oh, please. John gets tossed out places all the time, Jeff. I'm totally used to it. -
Production tries the Probst's Butt View cam for the first time, causing mass swooning in the Midwest. -
Keith: You wanna give that away? I could use that to open urns, ya dummy! -
I heard you have a nice life, Jeff. I'd like to sell you this flint for a million dollars. I'll even throw in an autograph for free. Whaddya say? -
Sounds good, I'll have my people draw up a bill of sale. But only if you include an 8x10 head shot, signed. And color! None of that artsy-fartsy black-and-white. Make it out to 'My best friend, Jeff.' He's, uh... another guy named Jeff I know. -
Good ol' rock! Nothing beats that! D'oh! -
Man, I'm winded just from walking down here! I hope there's not a lot of running or jumping in this duel. -
How come Survivor never uses grappling hooks as intended: Scaling the outside of buildings? -
Go, Jaclyn! You might be able to avoid getting completely blown out! -
Hunahpu: YAYYY! Drew: I woke up for THIS? -
Sadly, nobody catapulted anything at Probst -
Jaclyn had better pick this up, or she'll be in danger of getting a confessional (Yes, we tweeted this already, but it was during the west coast airing, so nobody saw it). -
Aw. -
She's got about six inches on you, Probst. Try standing closer when you ask if she can handle Exile. -
Seriously -
Uh, dude, I'll go to Exile. Your girlfriend can't get pregnant, right? -
This is gonna be sweet -
This is totally not a scene from Exile Island. Why would you even think that? Look at the cute animals! -
Oh really? -
He's a ladies' man, and a badass, and a manipulator! What could go wrong? -
I've made a huge mistake -
Yeah, I guess. As long as there isn't a swap next week, or something. -
Wait, why are you cutting to me? Does that mean I'm gonna get a confessional? -
It does! Well, now that we're here, let me tell you about... Wait! Come back! -
A Feast for Crows -
Drew: What are these for? Jaclyn: Clues. Drew: What's a clue? Jaclyn: I have no idea. -
Cool! It's a picture book! -
Sproingggg! -
Ha ha! I knew if I came here I'd get a confessional! You guys fell for it! -
Game? As in Game of Throw-Ins? They're probably not going to repeat that one this season. -
Fine. Did you know I'm a model? -
Look at me! I'm Drew! Well, without the hanging-out-with-Jaclyn-on-an-isolated-beach part -
It's true, I'm Wes' dad. This one here on t'other tribe is We #1, the one at home is We #2. The Wes aren't so wee any more, though. -
So, Keith... when you were on Exile with Josh, did you share any... clues? -
Here's the thing: I looked for the idol for 10 seconds, and I didn't find it. Jeremy must have it. -
He looked for it for 10 seconds? WTF? I looked for it for ZERO seconds! -
I mean, even that has to have been longer than Rocker looked, right? He got voted out. -
So then I said to myself: Consarn it, I should put in a full 11 seconds of looking. And wouldn't you know... -
It's coming right for us, Ned! Shoot! -
Scary, scary stuff -
Wait, were you hiding in the treemail, Baylor? -
I'm a badass word manipulator -
Okay, why don't YOU read it instead, Baylor. Just us alliance-mates. -
Dammit, Drew. This is all your fault. -
Look guys, we may be a bunch of kids, a Broadway dancer, and an old guy, but I'm pretty sure we can kick the butts of those ex-college athletes on the other tribe today. -
Whoa, you guys didn't starve while I was gone? That's amazing! -
They probably ate all the pillows, or something -
Oh great, Drew is going to throw away immunity. -
We feel great, Jeff! As if we've already won! -
Sorry, sweet idol. I can't allow you to watch this. -
Okay, it's Baylor vs. Missy! Just a reminder, this is a non-contact event. -
The Mysteries of Sucks, Summer 2014 - solved -
Dale is the new Reynold. Who knew? -
Wow, that target is FAR! -
Probst: Okay, that's four... more or less. Now get all those skinny rings at your feet on, too. -
Well, Jaclyn probably had a pretty solid inkling.... -
You're welcome, guys! -
Well... you won't be seeing this again. (Because there's a swap next week.) -
To be fair, some of the credit belongs to Jon, Jeremy, and Natalie, who sat out. -
Well, time to vote someone out, guys. Hey, don't leave me behind, I'm still a part of this tribe! -
Is that the word? I'm transliterating. I mean the watery stuff that comes out your butt when you're sick. Oh yeah, diarrhea. That's what I meant. No offense. -
She's probably just threatened by my good looks -
Oh, Jon. Don't bother trying to talk sense to this tribe. -
Fine. I'm going to encourage everyone to vote for Julie, then switch my vote to Keith. -
Kelley? WTF? Who is she? -
Are those bozos talking about me? -
I'm going to convince everyone to vote for Keith, then switch my vote to Drew! -
F*** it. I'm voting Drew. -
You mean for Meso-America's Next Top Model, right? -
Those bozos ARE talking about me! -
Reed: Uh, Drew... she's right over your... uh, never mind. -
F*** it, I'm voting Drew, too. -
You guys, I realize it's not a good time to complain about this, but you're pulling me away for a confessional RIGHT when everyone is talking openly about voting for me? -
Don't be silly, she's still doing her confessional. -
Don't silly, I'm a model. I'm better looking than a donkey. -
Well, you won't see this again. (Because there's a swap next week. Also, they'll have torches.) -
Well, you won't see this again. (There's no SMILING at Tribal Council! What's wrong with you people?) -
I'm glad I got to see this place before Baylor tries to vote me out. I like the decor. -
Oh yeah, I had a great time on Exile. A GREAAAAT time. -
Again, I've made a huge mistake -
In medevac news, Keith was devoured by a large bug on his shoulder. He will be missed. -
As it turns out, Drew, I'm not deaf. I could hear you telling people to vote for me. Even while I was away at confessional. So I told everyone to vote for you, instead. -
Wow, that's a lot of votes for me. What could it mean? -
Well, Jeremy's like a girl... -
For Hunahpu's first Tribal, production breaks out the special Entire-Tribe-Plus-Snuff-Station cam -
It's okay, Drew. I'll wait here, snuffer on torch, while you adjust your bag... and your hair... ah, screw it, just go.
Jeff Pitman is the founder of the True Dork Times, and probably should find better things to write about than Survivor. So far he hasn't, though. He's also responsible for the Survivometer, calendar, boxscores, and contestant pages, so if you want to complain about those, do so in the comments, or on Bluesky: @truedorktimes
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