Episode 5: "Blood is Blood"
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It's tribe swap time, which means there are many new husband opportunities for Missy.
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Whoa! That was crazy! Maybe Drew isn't really a badass -
Keith is not interested in your apologies, Jon -
This is great! I'm in the best situation ever! Nothing bad can happen to me now! Wait... why is the camera dude snickering? -
...until a switch do us part -
Wow, this treemail is short. Maybe Josh and Baylor will let me read it! -
Lamest. Treemail. Ever. -
Ha ha! These guys have coined the term 'walk of shame' for our march into the arena. If any of them had watched Survivor before, they'd know that's what the people that are booted do, instead. Hilarious! -
Alec Christy could have a long career ahead of him as a cable news political pundit -
'I'm looking forward to beating Drew at the duel...' [producer drops mic, stalks off yelling, 'You guys! I just can't! This is like kicking a puppy!'] -
What? The other Alec is gone? I was *so* looking forward to flirting with twins at the merge! -
Yeah, yeah. So was your mom, Baylor. -
But he was the only guy helping you win the games! -
Heh. -
Keith: Okay, I dropped ma buff. Is that some sort of code, like drop the soap? Anyone know? -
Josh: I don't care where I end up, as long as it has TONS of rice! -
And today's reward is: A bag of wrapped new buffs! No trading them for fishing gear and/or flints, Hunahpu. -
The one shot of post-swap Jon and Jaclyn in which they're not kissing -
Starving Josh considers eating his new buff -
Just kidding, Jeff! I know you guys left us a switch feast back at camp. Wink, wink. -
Why are you pulling me away for a confessional now? I could be smooching Jaclyn! -
It begins.... -
Alec, who is totally unlike Drew, arrives at Hunahpu camp for the first time. -
24 hours earlier... -
Come on, Reed. You've only been there 10 days. Everyone knows Survivor is 39 days... oh wait, except people who haven't watched it before. Okay, you're screwed. -
This is like when my dad broke the flint and blamed me. Except with less rice. -
Can we forget about the rice and start voting out the pairs? Come on, people. -
I'll bet Jon and Jaclyn are doing this right now, too. -
Ha ha, those quaint New Yorkers, with their chaste, small-town ways -
It's so nice having Reed here. He watches Survivor. I watch Survivor. Sometimes I feel like that creates a negative stigma around here. -
You're right, we should totally hide the Survivor thing. Closet it away. Let's pretend we like Mysteries of Laura, instead. It's more socially acceptable. -
In a completely unrelated piece of foreshadowing, Josh's plans are surrounded and drowned. -
Yoo-hoo, Missy! I'm over here in the tree! I could be Hubby #4! Limited time offer! -
What do you think, Baylor? Oh, I can't say no. It's tradition to throw rice at the just-married couple, you know. Let's cook it first. -
Pssh. Who would be threatened by a pair of loverbirds on Survivor? Unrelated side note: Does Jaclyn own any 'I (heart) Jon' shirts? -
It's our 10-seconds-on-a-new-tribe anniversary! Kiss! -
I finally get my boyfriend on my tribe, we're kissing every 10 seconds, and NOW you want to do confessionals? Screw that. -
I'm TRYING to flirt with the young guys, and now I have two grandpas and a dude who's had his lips surgically attached to his girlfriend? Oh, and my Mom just got hitched to the idol. Thanks, Obama. -
Please, Baylor. This idol thing may not work out. I still have first dibs on all the unmarried young men. Why don't you go clean your room? -
Well sir, I reckon I'd prefer to be hanging out with Wesley. But seeing as this is a fishing show, it don't really matter. -
Next time on... Nicaraguan Agua: Keith continues baiting his hook. -
I'm feeling a strong urge to tell everyone how to patch the roof, then nap. I'm pretty much a badass. -
Fine. We ended up with Drew 2.0. Can we please let THIS one write our million-dollar check for us? -
Zzzzz...bad ass...zzzzz. -
Good point, Baylor. How many more times am I possibly going to get married today? -
These people have been rationing their rice! It's hilarious! Survivor is 14 episodes, and it's already Day 11. Only three days to go! Idiots! -
Well, actually he was trying to get out Nadiya. And I helped him. But he was a totally a jerk that episode, starting a fire, showing us up. -
I feel like I should be paying attention to how much rice they're making. Has anyone seen my glasses? -
Seriously, nobody will ever know! -
You guys are really falling down on your hashtag game this season. #RiceBandits? #CoconutHuskRiceBowlThieves? Do I have to write it in the sand for you? -
Dad, I really think it's a bad idea to attack Baylor and Missy with these fishing spears. First, we'll get kicked off. Also, unless you find your glasses, you'll probably miss. -
You're not the boss of me. -
Oh, man. The roof of this hut totally looks like uncooked spaghetti. -
You haven't asked me to say anything all season. What do you want me to do here, milk my own milk? -
Like two dozen and one little Rory Calhouns. -
We're not going to catch them lined up in formation like this! -
My mom is already ready to turn this guy in, Probst. Sigh. Time to start looking for #5. -
Officially, immunity is up for grabs. In reality, no sane person thinks Coyopa has a chance here. -
And 15 milliseconds in, Hunahpu already has an insurmountable lead! -
See? -
Showboating Jeremy breaks out his Bobby Jon impersonation, mid-challenge. -
Twinnies! -
And Hunahpu's insurmountable lead becomes even more insurmountable-er. -
Showboating Hunahpus break out their 'Raising the flag at Iwo Jima' impersonation, mid-challenge -
It's cornhole, minus the hole -
Poor Julie. Can't even be pictured not doing anything in a challenge. -
Probst: *SIGH* I'm pretty sure I did not say 'Jiggle the pole gently,' Coyopa. -
Winner's shot -
...of the challenge. Talking about the challenge, obviously. -
Okay, we've arranged the beanbags neatly on our stand. Now I think we should form a committee to determine who our best two tossers are. Anyone want to motion to approve? -
Darn it, I was just about to second that motion. Oh well, back to the smooching. -
Bro, I was pretty much a badass in this challenge. Totally deserve this. -
Coyopa? What are you still doing here? Don't you have rice to argue about? -
If we open our mouths a little wider, can you just throw some rice in them? Ideally with a little salt, butter, and a touch of saffron? Thanks. -
You guys, that's what the camera crews and producers are supposed to do. Not me. Although if it'll give me more camera time, I'll come to your camp. Tomorrow. After my nap. -
Ooh, I hope he brings us fishing gear, too. -
Way to make the tribe pop against the background, guys. Nice work. -
Well. Reckon I'll get back to fishing and wandering aimlessly around camp until I'm needed. -
Time to pry Jon and Jaclyn apart long enough to talk some sense into them. -
Soo... it's funny, Dale. Baylor says you voted for her. And honestly, Josh did the first episode, and everyone knows Val and Jaclyn did on the second vote. So we're pretty sure you're guilty. -
Seriously, why DIDN't my dad vote for Baylor at the start? What was he thinking? -
Dale: I'm feeling a bit nervous sitting between you two like this. Please don't kiss me. -
What are the marriage rules like in Nicaragua? Can Jon and Jaclyn be my new dad, you know, like, together? -
Missy: As luck would have it, I'm available, guys! Here, let's cook a huge pot of rice to shower the happy bride and groom(s) with. -
Yay! -
Dale: Maybe it's just me, but things are looking up, Kelley! -
Baylor: Wait, does this seating arrangement mean Keith is my new dad? Why didn't you guys tell me? -
Uh... what now? -
What do you mean this is a no-smooching zone, Probst? Who is Dawson? -
Dale: Heh, I remember who Dawson is. Kelley: Dad, ssshhh. -
Mom, if there are cute guys left at the merge, I'm totally voting you out. I don't want to flirt with them if you've already married them. No offense, Keith... er, Dad? -
Probst: Okay, try to focus here, you guys. You have to vote someone out at Tribal Council. This is still Survivor. And for those of you new to the show, voting people out is what we do here. -
No, no, it's WA. Ephrata, WA. Not wow. -
Sigh -
Sigh
Jeff Pitman is the founder of the True Dork Times, and probably should find better things to write about than Survivor. So far he hasn't, though. He's also responsible for the Survivometer, calendar, boxscores, and contestant pages, so if you want to complain about those, do so in the comments, or on Bluesky: @truedorktimes
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