Episode 9: "Bag of Tricks"
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In which the entire tribe tries to date LJ before the episode ends, but in the end, LJ decides to pick ... well, you'll see.
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Torches: Stood up -
...and fallen down -
Touchdown! -
Tony conducts a stirring performance by the Luzon chorus -
That Spencer has the prettiest falsetto. Truly exceptional. -
A singing show? Please. Dating shows are the thing now. -
Come on, when has Tony ever had another mode? -
We'll be fine. We just need to get Tony to calm down. -
Is LJ talking about the same Tony that lives with us? -
Don't worry, LJ. Tony has your back. With a knife. -
Can you hurry this up? I've got a spy shack appearance coming next episode -
This is a reminder that Kass was actually in this episode -
LJ stares, silently. We're not really sure how to work this into the narrative. But he does that a lot. -
Solarrion walks, squintingly, into the sun -
Pro-tip: When filming on a hill, line up the contestants by height to camouflage the elevation rise. -
Sorry, we're not singing for you, Probst. Tony is our conductor. -
Wait! We'll sing if you keep the cameras on us! Come back! -
LJ can't believe he's made it 8 episodes without being properly Silased -
Woo! Mission accomplished! -
The green team is just happy LJ took one for the tribe -
Wait, Jeremiah! That's not the shower, you have to win the... eh, he'll figure it out. Probably. -
Sorry for the PTSD, Vytas -
Woo... last place. Again. -
Excellent use of the grappling... ball? -
Tony has a head full of dreams and an armload full of sandbags -
We really hope this show inspires America's youth to re-evaluate whether traditional team sports are right for them, when the professional sandbag-tossing circuit offers so many enticing (and en-tossing) possibilities -
See? Nothing is more masculine than hurling a 1-lb sack of sand at a trampoline-like net -
Our league: American National United Sandbaggers. Our motto: We put it in the holes. -
And in further news, it looks like purple and orange also got some in, but who cares, it wasn't shown on TV -
The reward losers returning to camp, bummed not to be A.N.U.S. material -
The reason we haven't seen more Woo confessionals is that he spends most of them puffing on his imaginary bong -
I'm still here. No seriously, I actually said that in my confessional. Maybe you forgot? -
Stay away from trees, Woo! -
Instead of fishing, Jefra, Trish and LJ take the boat out to wash out their shoes -
We find the water is less sandy out there. Makes for a more-thorough clean. -
Seriously, Woo. We're not telling you again. Stay away from the trees! -
Still, I find they only ever show me if I'm next to a tree. And talking about Tony. So there. -
Bonus reward: You probably don't have to use a grappling ball to make the shower work -
Sorry about our stench -
I am totally checking every napkin before I sit down this time -
Psst... Spencer... that's it, that dark tube thing under your chair -
No, seriously. Your CHAIR. Under your CHAIR. Sigh. -
To the relief of everyone involved, no idol clues were found between anyone's toes. -
No pineappleritas? What is this place? -
Tasha disguises herself as LJ, in hopes of more airtime -
What? I have to go on a date with him now? Is this a bit? -
Well, this is awkward. Now we're both staring silently. Great dating show, guys. -
Pretty sure I'm getting the rose here -
That's all I get? Just a hashtag? -
Orange and green are colors, too! Beauty always gets everything. Jerks. -
Look, I didn't write 'Black... could bruise your ego.' I'm just the messenger! It's possible someone other than Tasha might win this. -
You're gonna make us THINK, Probst? Seriously? -
Jeff Probst: Behind the Podium -
Always be throwing -
Woo? -
What? I thought purple was supposed to win -
Thanks a lot, brain -
The mnemonic was RaG-PurpleKelly-BiG-Blue, LJ, not BiG-Red. Way to gum it up. -
Watch out for Aparri, LJ. Watch out for Aparri. -
A Brain wins the memory challenge! Who woulda thunk it? -
Wow, if a woman can win immunity, we'd better ditch this kind of challenge. But I'll ask twitter first, for cover. -
What? Someone found a spy shack? That seems unlikely. -
I guess this makes up for having to do that dumb dating show with LJ. -
LJ tries again, this time a three-way date with Kass and Trish. With predictable results. -
What is? That us two back slowly away and pretend this never happened? -
Whew! -
Come on, Woo. Tasha already tried to impersonate LJ. Well, okay, yes it worked, but... sigh, fine. Here's your headshot. -
Unable to stare silently, Tony tries hosting his own MadLibs show instead -
I can get quiet too! WTF?! -
Nobody watches dating shows, come on. Why can't I be a smart, gangly, pale, beardless sleuth? I can probably fake a decent British accent. What, this network already HAS a knockoff of that show? -
But it was not safe. Not safe at all, as the water bled Solana purple. -
Wait, everyone is dating LJ? Why wasn't I asked? -
You've had this many confessionals since Lindsey left. Plus the producers are hoping for a younger demo. -
But I'm 20 years younger than the average CBS viewer! Come on! -
Don't ask, Kass. -
What do I have to do to get noticed here? Flip again? That's stupid. -
We get to date LJ? He's gonna shower first, right? -
Sorry, guys. If everyone impersonates LJ at the same time (including LJ), it gets a bit confusing. Also quiet. -
Can we move this along? -
Fine, I have here a bag of tricks. As far as you know. -
And we all have hashtags! Except you, Spencer. Sorry. Looks like you'll have to date LJ, after all. -
***Awkward silence*** -
Uh, dude? Is it okay if we vote? I have an imaginary bong to get back to. -
Fine. Choose me, LJ? -
You voted for Spencer? I thought we had something, LJ! -
And in the end, LJ decided to date his torch, blindsiding everyone. -
It was quickly silenced, which was the style at the time -
Yay? Does this mean he didn't pick us? This is so confusing!
Jeff Pitman is the founder of the True Dork Times, and probably should find better things to write about than Survivor. So far he hasn't, though. He's also responsible for the Survivometer, calendar, boxscores, and contestant pages, so if you want to complain about those, do so in the comments, or on Bluesky: @truedorktimes
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