"Dude, are you freaking kidding me? You've got to be out of your mind bro if you think anyone seriously has the time to sit down and think about how sixteen jury votes could go, what, like fifteen different ways? Oh yeah, I can do math too. The Wardog's not the only Rain Man around here who can crunch some lame numbers, okay?
This whole Jeopardy thing's stupid anyway. What's the point? Obviously it's me that's coming back in the game and winning dude, and I will dropkick anyone who disagrees. I've been living on the freaking Edge of Extinction this whole damn time and all those Edgicers or whatever out there have been all, "Oooh, I think the winner's Rick! Or is it Lauren? Maybe it's Victoria!" Uhhh, listen dude. It's not any of those losers. It's freaking Reem.
It's not Joe. It's not Aubry. It's not any of them. It's me. I'm winning. This is my season. I'm the one who's had to live on this shite island the longest so, therefore, I deserve to win. That's just the way it is. I don't care who the hell is in the final three or who the hell is on the jury – the money's going to me, man. If you don't think so, then you're lame, dude. Freaking. Lame."
Ryan Kaiser has been a lifelong fan of Survivor since the show first aired during his days in elementary school, and he plans to one day put his money where his mouth is by competing in the greatest game on Earth. Until that day comes, however, he'll stick to running his mouth here and on Twitter: 
Jeff Pitman is the founder of the True Dork Times, and probably should find better things to write about than Survivor. So far he hasn't, though. He's also responsible for the Survivometer, calendar, boxscores, and contestant pages, so if you want to complain about those, do so in the comments, or on Bluesky: