By N. Dora Sments
True Dork Times Vaguely-Sports-Related Commerce Editor

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (AGB)  The International Olympic Committee has assured the Salt Lake City 2002 Olympic Committee that the Winter Olympic Games scheduled for this February will proceed as planned.  Doubts about the games were raised earlier this month after the United States began its bombing campaign on Afghanistan.  The International Olympic Committee has a long-standing rule that prohibits a county at war from organizing the Olympic games.

Speaking from the driver's seat of a brand new Ford Expedition, International Olympic Committe President Jacques Rogge explained the distinction, "While this is technically a 'war on terrorism,' it is not technically a 'war,' because the US is fighting a concept, not a country.  It's like the war on drugs, or the war on poverty, or the proverbial battle of the bulge."

When reminded that the US had been targeting only one country, and in fact had targeted the government of that country, Rogge countered that "The United States is not decimating the Taliban, they are destroying the concept of the Taliban.  It's an obvious distinction, but many people have been confused by this."

Using a freshly-printed stack of $100 bills to daub a bead of sweat from his brow, Rogge, who took over as IOC President following the departure of Juan Antonio Samaranch in 2001, asserted "I should add that I really enjoy my new job!"  When pressed for further explication, the dapper Belgian mentioned that he had a tee time at Augusta National Golf Course and had to leave.

Norwegian IOC member Gerhard Heiberg had expressed doubts about the possibility of the games going on earlier in the week.  However, in a conference call placed to his private suite in Tahiti, where he was "enjoying a spontaneous six-month sabbatical," Heiberg dismissed any thoughts of cancellation. "The rule that the IOC should not permit the games to be held in a country at war with another country is more of a recommendation.  It's just a footnote, really.  That's not what the games are all about."

"What is more important is that Salt Lake City has really shown that it wants the games," Heiberg continued.  "And they will continue to show that desire in monthly installments until after the games are over."

Salt Lake City Chairman Luke Smithson reminded reporters that the rule doesn't apply when the country being attacked is Afghanistan.  "Remember 1980," Smithson argued. "If a country couldn't host the Olympics while bombing the hell out of the Afghans, we would have had to cancel about 5 of the last 10 games."

Smithson told reporters that they were doing everything possible to assuage the concerns of the IOC committee visiting Salt Lake City next week.  "We have prepared a special welcoming committee comprised of all of the peace-loving 16-year-old virgins our state has to offer.  And they have prepared a special private cheer for the delegation that is sure to win their hearts."  Smithson did not go into the details about the cheer but did hint that the girls had come up with a special rhyme for "O-Lym-pics."

Back to the True Dork Times