By Leonardo DiCaprio
Special to the True Dork Times

I definitely got de feeling dat dis will be de breaktru year for Mr. T.  He will make de difficult transition from telephone commercials to de star of Oscar-contending dramatic movies.  I smell a Best Actor coming, and no, dat's not de smoke talkin'.

De cards dey don't lie, and dey telling me now dat Big Tom will soon be named de new science reporter for FOX News.  De biggest problem wit de science reporting today is dat nobody explains tings in a way dat everyone can understand, doncha know.  Everybody love dis big guy, and even tho dey can't understand a word he say. Derefore, he is de perfect person to explain human cloning and de like to de masses.  He is quite a good dancer, too, which is very important for dis job.

Dis man is never far from de action in Hollywood, doncha know.  And dis year is no different.  De movies, dey have been crying out for a crime-fighting wizard, set in de future, based on an old television show.  Dat's where dis guy comes in.  De cards tell me dat he will revamp T.J. Hooker, and de cop will magically get transported into de distant future, where he gains a knowledge of de supernatural world.  Dis not only allows him to fight de crime, but also grow some real hair.  It will be totally irie, and knock de second Lord of de Rings out at de Christmas box office, 'coz dat movie will be boring anyway.  Pamela Anderson will take de role formerly occupied by Heather Locklear.

He seem to have been holed up in de Harlem for way too long, and dat is because de ex-President has been working on a new all-white rapper movie, called How High 2: Oxford Green.  He will star in it wit Eminem, doncha know.  Bill has been practicing de rhymes, too, and will have a number one album out dis year, wit guest appearances from Bubba Sparxxx and, of course, Gwen Stefani from No Doubt.  You can't have a hit song witout her, for sure now.

Hip hop has definitely gotten de bad rap wit de press and de government.  De word on de street is dat O.J. is making de moves to be a big time producer like P. Diddy and Dre.  De cards tell me dat dis will be de crowning action dat turns hip hop into a respectable business in de eyes of de law.  For himself, Mr. Simpson say he like de fact dat Jay-Z can admit in de court dat he stabbed a producer, and he got offa de hook.  Dis is a marriage made in de stars.  

Dat would be me, mon.  Doncha know de best secret de cards hold is de spectacular success de future holds for me.  And I'm not talking about dis psychic work I am doing now.  De Gangs of New-York movie starring me will easily be de best picture of 2002.  Soon I will be rolling wit me posse in all de finest New York clubs again, and de ladies will be trowing demselves at me feet again.  Den I may have to give up dis wonderful life of 'elping people wit deir psychic problems.  Doncha worry tho, mon.  Someone else will pick up de cards.