By Rhett Oracle
True Dork Times Philosophy Editor

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island (TDT)  Brown University philosopher Mike Su has been awarded a "genius award" from the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, in recognition of the immeasurable contribution to world peace his "People Are Morons," or "PAM," theory has produced.  "I'm a bit dazed, I've been getting calls from many world leaders, thanking me," he said in a phone interview. "They tell me, 'Suddenly, it all makes sense.'"

For his prize, Su will receive a $500,000 grant, spread over five years, with "no strings attached" concerning its disbursement.  While he has no immediate plans for the money, he contends he will most likely spend it developing further corollaries and broader theories based on the remarkable foundation of PAM.

Asked to explain his theory in terms a lay audience can understand, Su expanded thusly.  "Basically, it's what the title suggests: People Are Morons.  They refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions, preferring to blame anything bad that happens to them on unseen dark forces, or, more frequently, other people.  If they get sufficiently agitated about something, no matter how petty, they will kill each other."

As Su explains, almost all societal conflicts basically boil down to the essential truth of his theory: People Are Morons.  "Take the current War on Terrorism, for example.  We can paint this as Islam versus Christianity, or the Arab world versus the West, or fundamentalism versus secular democracy all we want, but at its root, a bunch of stupid people decided to blame other people for their problems, and then they mutually agreed that killing each other was the best solution.  No matter how evenly matched in race, education or social background, people will always find some way to divide themselves up and start bickering.  I mean, cripes, look at Northern Ireland!  They all look and sound exactly the same!  No matter where you look, people are morons."

U.N. President Kofi Annan was quite taken with Su's finding, and lauded him for his contribution to geopolitical thinking.  "I'm not sure the United Nations really has much purpose anymore, after thinking this over," Annan said.  "But I think he's right.  I mean, we've known this with respect to the French for quite a while.  But he's right, this is a universal principle."

President of the United States George W. Bush declined comment on both the theory and the award, although White House spokesman Ari Fleischer told reporters, "Clearly, the President is not like ordinary people, if that's what you're trying to ask.  Except of course, when he's campaigning, he's a regular Joe Six-Pack, average American guy. Just, uh, smarter, and not at all moronic.  Next question?"

Other world leaders, however, showered Su's discovery with effusive praise.  Israeli and Palestinian leaders shook hands in the Gaza Strip yesterday, and pledged to use the insights PAM provides to build a lasting peace.  "There is no doubt in my mind that this man is correct," Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat stated, warmly. "Especially with respect to our Israeli brothers."  Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon demurred, saying, "My Palestinian friend is too generous.  Clearly, his people are the building blocks of this theory."  Both men then punched each other in the face, then hugged, then punched each other again, and so on, until well after sundown.

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