And now.... Without further delay, it's:
 

Ever-Tasteful Year 2001 Awards Our whole-fingered salute to the year that was.   Please, whatever you do, let's not let it happen again.

Yes, awards shows are a tiresome chore. But handing out awards is an easy way for brain-dead reporters to quickly come up with lengthy stories during the holiday doldrums.  And we here at the True Dork Times are no different.  Also, in the spirit of awards recognizing true artistry, such as the Golden Globes and the American Music Awards, we opened up the voting to our readers.  Many of these were hotly-contested battles, with an enormous number of reader suggestions (well, greater than zero, anyway).

Worst Band News, 2001

Wes Borland leaves Limp Bizkit.  What happens when the world's suckiest band loses its only marginally tolerable member?  Well, we could hope that Fred Durst will retire and take that management job at Interscope.  Unfortunately, it's more likely that they will continue recording.

Corporate Good Guys Award, 2001

Enron. They started off the year as energy pirates, fleecing Californians, thanks to the cozy relationship of their CEO with the Bush-Cheney White House.  Then, as the company started to tank, their stock-rich executives made a killing dumping their shares, while lowly employees stuck with Enron stock clogging their 401(k) plans were forced to sit and watch helplessly as their unsellable shares plummeted from the $70 mark to mere pennies.  But hey, they're still paying $30 million for the naming rights to the Astros' little league stadium.  Now that was money well spent.

While we're on the subject of crappy Texas baseball teams, let's focus our attention on the Texas Rangers, shall we?  Shortly after a dismal season in which the addition of Alex Rodriguez failed to magically transform a team of aging, broken-down hitters and worthless pitchers into a success, the Rangers have brought in good baseball citizens John Rocker, Carl Everett and kung-fu-fighting Chan Ho Park.  All on one team!  Things are sure to look up now.

Bud Selig, baseball commissioner.  Teams lose $500 million (allegedly) in one year, so they reward their brilliant steward with a three-year contract extension (through 2006), at what is believed to be more than his current $3 million annual salary.  Couldn't a headless stuffed Rally Monkey doll have done about as well, for substantially less money?  But that's not all, he's also: allowed the Yankees to tamper with an almost-signed free agent; gave Congress the finger when they tried to subpoena baseball's financial records; looked the other way as the Red Sox were sold to nowhere near the highest bidder (screwing charities in the state of Massachusetts of several million dollars); and completely ignored the fact that the players do not currently have a labor agreement.  Ah, but who needs players?  As long as supposedly bankrupt teams can keep getting bought and sold for near half-billion prices every few months, does the game really even need to be played?

Coolest trojan horse of the year, 2001

The X-box.  Sure, once Microsoft completes its swallowing of the cable industry, all entertainment content from TV to movies to broadband net access will be piped into our homes through an X-box, but aren't the graphics cool?  What else are you going to do, read books?

Most shocking entertainment news, 2001

The decline of reality television. Sure, it was just a stopgap measure in case the screenwriters went on strike.  But how could something this overhyped possibly have failed to retain its stranglehold on the public's affection?  Programming gems like UPN's Manhunt or NBC's Lost don't come along every day, ya know.
 
 

We hope you enjoyed our shiny, happy endorsement of the past year. Well, actually, we don't really care one way or the other. Nonetheless, we're sure that the coming year will be just as filled with fascinating, fulfilling and scintillating people and events as the one we just survived.  Should you feel the urge, go ahead and submit your votes in these and any other categories you deem fit to:  truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com.

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