Anonymous Dr. Laura call suggests alternate source of Bush bruises
Angry pretzel makers consider civil action

By Bea Tennup
True Dork Times Loss-of-consciousness Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AGB)  Continuing investigations by 24-hour news channels have uncovered new information regarding President George W. Bush's fainting spell, allegedly following an unfortunate mishap with a partially-digested pretzel .  This turbulent domestic crisis, which MSNBC has dubbed "White House in Knots: The Pretzel Fiasco," took a more sinister turn yesterday, when reports surfaced that the President's facial abrasions may in fact be linked to an anonymous domestic abuse call from a "George" to the nationally-syndicated "Dr. Laura" radio show.

The call-in show, hosted by Dr. Laura Schlesinger - who, while a Ph.D., has no professional medical, psychiatric, or psychological credentials - often deals with personal, relationship-related issues.  Schlesinger and the producers from her show have documented that the mysterious call from a "George" was received at approximately10:45 a.m.  A full transcript of the call follows:

Caller: Hello, Dr. Laura?  This is George from a cell phone. Long time listener, first time caller.
Dr. Laura: Hello, George.  You are aware that you don't have to use your real name on this show, right?
Caller: Oh, yeah, um... okay.  Let's say my name is, uh... "George," then.
Dr. Laura: O... kay, "George," what can I help you with?
Caller:  Well, first off, I am my kids' dad.  I have two munchkins in college.
Dr. Laura:  Oh, that's sweet!
Caller: Well at least one of them may have a serious substance abuse problem.  Not as bad as that Prince Harry, but, uh... that's not why I called.
Dr. Laura: Really, well maybe we need to schedule a call back some time in the future...
Caller: Maybe.  The reason I called is my wife.  I know she loves me, but sometimes, sometimes...
Dr. Laura: Sometimes what? Speak up or hang up George!
Caller: ... she hits me....
Dr. Laura: Have you called the police?
Caller: Well, um, I am sort of surrounded by police.  Plus I know she doesn't mean it.  She just gets so mad, and it's always my fault.  One time I spilled Kool Aid in the oval office...
Dr. Laura: George!  George!  Are you listening to yourself?  Can you hear you?
Caller:  I don't know.  Can I?  Maybe if I said something into the mouth thingy here, and then flipped the phone around real quick so the ear thingy is by my mouth and...
Dr. Laura: No!  Are you saying that it is your fault that you get hit?  George, you have to go to the police!
[...Pause...]
Caller: Dr. Laura, my mom is on the other line... I have to go.  She hits too.
Dr. Laura: One problem at a time...
[End of Call]

Schlesinger claims that there is no way to trace the source of the call, and White House representatives have denied any connection between the alleged caller and the President.  Ari Fleischer, White House spokesman, stated that caller could not have been the President because unlike the caller, the President does not know how to operate a cell phone.  Also, the President has actually called into the show on several occasions dating back to 1992.

Fleischer also emphatically stated that other scurrilous rumors about the President's bruise were equally untrue.  "The three empty cases of beer next to the couch, and the paper bags filled with glue had nothing whatsoever to do with the President's loss of consciousness.  They must have been left there by some other people."  When reminded that, according to the White House's official statement, the President had been dining on pretzels alone, Fleischer responded, "Hey, as I've told you before, those Clinton people left this place a real mess twelve months ago."

While First Lady Laura Bush could not be reached for comment, former First Lady Barbara Bush noted, "I have tried to slap some sense into that boy for 40 years now, and it hasn't worked.  I am glad to hear that someone else has taken up the campaign."  The White House also denied her statement.

Back to the True Dork Times