By Crazy Larry
Special to the True Dork Times

Welcome fellow traders! It's that time again to take a look at our portfolios and get to trading!  With the war all but over, this issue will focus on what stocks to buy and sell now that our time of national crisis has passed, and the rebuilding has begun. And remember what Crazy Larry says, "Just because there was a war, it doesn't mean that you can't make a buck!"

BUY! BUY! BUY! Buy camouflage stocks!  These may be hard to find, Ha Ha!, but they are well worth the trouble.  Everyone from General Colin Powell to White House Pooch Spot will be decked out in green and brown from head to toe.

SELL! SELL! SELL! Sell turban stocks!  These fashion faux pas were on the outs before this whole mess and they are definitely fashion don'ts now.  Look at all the Afghans taking them off in Kabul and Kunduz! The companies that make these funny little hats won't be open for long now that everyone associates them with that mean bin Laden.  Talk about negative product endorsements!

BUY! BUY! BUY! Buy Revlon! And lots of it!  With the fall of the Taliban, there will be 13 million women showing their face in public for the first time in three years.  And that means new customers baby! And if you have ever seen an Afghani lady, these chicks are going to be using a lot of make-up.  On a related note:  BUY! BUY! BUY! Gillette and Schick stocks!  Tens of millions of men will suddenly be buying razors for the first time in five years!  And unless the Northern Alliance reverts to the Taliban once the U.S. leaves (and there's NO chance of that happening), they will need to keep buying them!

Internet stocks are a must buy in this market!  Goodness knows that I have been glued to the internet for reports almost 24 hours a day.  Luckily my boss is in the other room so he has no idea that I haven't done a lick of research or even looked at a portfolio in a month!

And our Five-Star Lock Guaranteed Money Making Franchise Tip of the Month:

BUUUUUUY! Buy! Buy! Buy heroin futures!  Usually I don't encourage my readers to trade in commodities.  It's a tricky business even for a savvy investor like myself.  But I figure this one is a can't-miss situation since Afghanistan is the producer of 3/4 of the world's heroin and we've bombed them so far back into the stone age that the only thing that will grow there now is a bunch of flowers! This one's going through the roof so get on the rocket now and let's ride that snake to the promised land!

Well, that's it my future gazillionaires.  Go forth and prosper, and remember what Crazy Larry says: "Just cause you lost all your money in the stock market and are relegated to giving free advice to complete strangers for minimum wage doesn't mean that you aren't a financial wizard!"  See you next month.

Lawrence Smythe Bourne III, a.k.a. "Crazy Larry," is a professional broker, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the True Dork Times or any of its employees, even Crazy Larry's.

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