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Volume III, No. 2                                March, 2002
Next issue: April 1, 2002

Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                 If you can read this, email us at truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Senators admit Strom Thurmond actually 'quite a bit older' than listed age
    As increased border scrutiny has revealed inconsistencies in the stated ages of numerous Latin American ballplayers this year, a Senate spokesperson downplayed public reports that, after immigration officials reviewed his birth certificate, South Carolina's Strom Thurmond is actually "quite a bit older" than the age listed in last season's Senate Media Guide. "But this doesn't change the fact that he's a robust, vital component of the Senate gameplan."
Click here for the full story.

News Briefs
Russians demand Oscar:movies 'just as good,' judges biased
    Angered by the lack of Russian-made movies recognized at the Oscars, a coalition of Russian actors and filmmakers has threatened to "pull out" of the event, citing unfair judging.

Swedish Chef detained at Guantanamo, Hussein ties alleged
    In what Justice Department officials are describing as a "major breakthrough," Attorney General John Ashcroft announced yesterday that former "Muppet Show" star the Swedish Chef has been arrested and transported to the Guantanamo Bay detention facility for interrogation.  Ashcroft stated that not only did it appear that the Swedish Chef and Saddam Hussein have close ties, but that they "may in fact be the same person."
Click here for the full story.

 Poll reveals Americans rapidly becoming unable to identify Afghanistan
    For a few months, they made books on the Taliban and Islam best sellers, but a new True Dork Times poll indicates that the American public has now reverted almost completely to its pre-9/11 lack of awareness of Afghanistan. "In fairness," statistician Paul Murky explained, "Americans have had a lot of important news on their plates in the past few months, so it's natural a few facts would start to get fuzzy here and there. We just hope the media doesn't overblow this, and miss vital news on the Oscar winners."
Click here for the full story.


 
LIVING                             Actually, this section has very little to do with real life.

Cranky Andy!
   Need some surefire winning phrases with which to woo your fiancee on Valentine's Day?  Cranky Andy's many lists of things is the place to shop.  Newly refitted for 2002. He has quite a collection here

Jittery Jeff!
   Okay, we discovered long ago that this Jeff guy is actually a weak rip-off of the formerly prolific Cranky Andy. Still, he's marginally better than nothing. Click here to see his lists.
Step this way for quick links to our way-too-large collection of Survivor content.
General Survivor crap Survivor 4: Marquesas crap
Surviwhore!
Making fun of instant demi-celebrities. Still going...		 Wade through our piddling collection of Survivor 4 spoilers.
Still bored? Try our S4 calendar.
If you don't get our Survivor-related humor, you probably should watch the show. No wait, don't do that. Want to know who's getting the boot?  So do we. But we're dumb enough to guess, in our Survivometer 4.
Nostalgic for  Survivor: Africa?  Didn't think so. Still, feel free to relive the trauma with our S3 episode recaps. Avoid an episode of Survivor 4?  Bravo. Instead, try our S4 episode recaps. Tastes bitter, less fulfilling.
EDITORIAL                      Hoping to fill more table cells with empty texture in the near future.

Link
L Silky's Periodic Table of Funk. 
Just in case you need a refresher course in all the important elements of cool.

 Crappy's Bowl o' Flushing
    We've invited our new mascot, Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet, to write his own column.  Stop by each month to hear his hilarity-filled take on an especially flushable topic.  Watch out, he may have a potty mouth!
    This month's victim: A grab bag of fecality.		 Things which don't suck
    Despite appearances to the contrary, there are actually a few things in the world that do not sink to the level of suckdom. Very, very few.  After an exhaustive search, we've uncovered a small collection. Click here to see what we found.
  E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.