Senators admit Strom Thurmond actually 'quite a bit older' than listed age
Officials deny this alters his status as a top-tier legislative prospect

By Anna Cronism
True Dork Times Truth In Aging Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT)  After one of their own was caught in the same trap of increased border scrutiny that has revealed inconsistencies in the stated ages of numerous Latin American ballplayers this year, a Senate spokesperson downplayed public reports that, after immigration officials reviewed his birth certificate, South Carolina's Strom Thurmond is actually "quite a bit older" than the age listed in last season's Senate Media Guide. "Come on, the orange hair dye didn't really fool us," was the official response. "But this doesn't change the fact that he's a robust, vital component of the Senate gameplan."

The spokesperson remained tight-lipped about Thurmond's actual age, revealing only that he is "less than an order of magnitude" older than his current "official" age of 99.  Further inquiries into his exact age were met with a terse reply of "that's really none of the public's business."  Long considered the jewel of the Senate's farm system, Senate officials denied that Thurmond's increased age in any way impacted his prize prospect status.  "Senator Thurmond will still be a powerhouse legislator for years to come," was the official response.

An extensive investigation into the controversy turned up some intriguing, if somewhat mystifying, evidence.  While INS workers would not reveal Thurmond's exact date of birth, they did indicate that that on his birth certificate, "the nine on his birth year of 1902 appeared to have been altered.  It looks much more crooked than a nine should."

This cryptic reply was further fleshed out when a recent visitor to the PBS "Antiques Roadshow" series produced what was judged an authentic 18th-Century portrait of a man who appears to be Senator Thurmond reviewing Revolutionary War-era American troops.  The painting, entitled "Colonel Thurmond Inspects the South Carolina Regulars," was spectacularly well-preserved, and fetched an auction estimate of $200,000, after being purchased at a flea market for ten dollars.

Together, these two pieces of evidence suggest Thurmond may in fact be almost 300 years old.  Thurmond, who admits to serving in World War II, has denied repeated requests to answer questions about both his age, and about which side he fought for in the Civil War.

Beltway insiders, however, scoffed at the notion that Thurmond could in fact be close to three centuries old.  "Seriously?  He has a 29-year-old son to whom he just gave the U.S. Attorney's job for South Carolina, despite his having little or no prosecutorial experience.  That would have to be some pretty long-lived sperm!"

In other immigration-related news, as he returned from his East Asia trip, it was revealed that President George W. Bush is actually a full 21 years younger than his listed age of 55, making him Constitutionally ineligible to have run for President in the year 2000.  White House spokesman Ari Fleischer downplayed the news, stating emphatically, "The election is over.  The American people have moved on.  Don't you people in the press have anything better to do?  Why don't you work on finding me a wife?"

The atmosphere of full disclosure was not lost, however, on baseball commissioner Bud Selig.  After repeatedly refusing to turn over financial documents to a Congressional committee investigating baseball's anti-trust exemption, Selig admitted in exasperation that his IQ is, in reality, "tens of points lower" than the "average" score he had previously made public.  "Why else would I have come up with those radical realignment and contraction schemes, or keep letting people buy the Florida Marlins?" he asked, rhetorically.

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