Welcome, take a seat!  No, not there, I can't talk if you sit there!  Dumbass.  Anyway, I'm Crappy, the world's first talking toilet to have his own internet column.  I may not have arms to type, but I sure can dictate!  And it's a good thing you're here, because I've got a big steaming load of things to talk about today.  Let's get started, shall we?  This month, the crap that clogs my pipes is...

THE GRAMMYS

There are so many things wrong with the Grammys, it's hard to know where to start.  But here's a short list:
 

Record of the Year - "Walk On," U2 Album of the Year - All That You Can't Leave Behind, U2 Song of the Year - "Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of," U2, songwriter (U2) Rock Performance by a Duo or Group - "Elevation," U2 Rock Song - "Elevation," U2, songwriter (U2) Rock Song - "Walk On," U2, songwriter (U2) Rock Album - All That You Can't Leave Behind, U2	This is exactly what's wrong with the Grammys.  U2 was once a vibrant, energetic rock band, with charisma and a touch of innovation.  The Edge's ringing, arpeggiated guitars created a new sound.  Bono's sincere, politically-charged singing inspired a generation of vocalists - I'm looking at you, Eddie Vedder - to sing as if straining for that final push to unblock their constipated recta.  Then U2 struck U.S. gold (slow ballads) with "The Joshua Tree," and has spent the last fifteen years making that same album over and over again (their ill-advised recent foray into faux techno notwithstanding).  That's what Grammy voters are looking for: safe, accessible, unchallenging music that leaves them feeling good, while mining familiar territory.  Not to mention that this album came out in 2000, not 2001.  But who's counting?
Record of the Year - "Drops of Jupiter," Train	What the hell were the Grammy people smoking when they nominated this pile of crap as "Record of the Year"?  And where can I get some?  Insipid, boring, homogenized "rock"-like musical product.  This song is to music as Velveeta is to cheese.  Or as diarrhea is to shit.
Male Rock Vocal Performance "Superman Inside," Eric Clapton "Honest with Me," Bob Dylan "Dig In," Lenny Kravitz "Peaceful World," John Mellencamp	Do Grammy people actually listen to music?  Then how the hell do you explain this?  If this is the best selection you can come up with for a category, shouldn't you just not award a Grammy that year?
Alternative Music Album - Amnesiac, Radiohead Metal Performance - "Schism," Tool	That's right, Radiohead and Tool accumulated a grand total of two nominations between them.  Meanwhile, Train and Aerosmith somehow each managed to get the nod for four!  What did, did Steven Tyler send out Liv and Alicia Silverstone to writhe around in their underwear or something?  Grammy voters seem to think that playing heavily over-processed commercial "rock" as a senior citizen is somehow an indication of artistry.
Male Pop Vocal Performance - "You Rock My World," Michael Jackson Hard Rock Performance - "Smooth Criminal," Alien Ant Farm	You know, it just wouldn't be the Grammys without excessive praise for the alleged brilliance and mastery of Michael Jackson.
Rap/Sung Collaboration "Let Me Blow Ya Mind," Eve featuring Gwen Stefani "Where the Party At," Jagged Edge featuring Nelly "Area Codes," Ludacris featuring Nate Dogg "W," Mystic & Planet Asia	And a "Rap/Sung Collaboration" is different from garden-variety hip hop how, exactly?
Spoken Word Album for Children - Timeless Tales and Music of Our Time, Dr. Ruth Westheimer	Yes, that's right, Dr. Ruth Westheimer got as many Grammy nominations as did either Tool or Radiohead.
The whole "Grammys" attitude.	They try to pass themselves off as celebrating artistry and musicianship.  This of course is reflected in the avalance of appreciation for Train.  At least the Billboard Awards, which are equally useless are upfront about their criteria - they are based on sales.  The only real difference between the two shows is that the Billboard Awards are about fawning over teen and twenty-something commercial successes, while the Grammys are about fawning over middle-aged former commercial successes.  Yawn.  *FLUSH*

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