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  Volume II, No. 8                             August, 2001
Current issue: Click here.

Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                            Bored? E-mail us at truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com 


Martha Stewart aims new magazine at space travelers
    Expanding her print, radio and television empire further into niche markets, design maven Martha Stewart has launched a new magazine, Martha Stewart Space Travel.  Stewart says the she came up with the idea when "I was appalled at the lack of attention to interior decor in current NASA vessels.  When I orbit the Earth, I always try to cover the walls with useless but decorative knick-knacks."
Click here for the full story.		 SUMMER RERUNS DEPT.  
Torch-wielding mob strikes victorious blow against 'Frankenfood'
     Waving pitchforks and axes, and with torches ablaze, a tumultuous mob of angry villagers struck a righteous blow against the evil encroachment of science and reason into our everyday lives yesterday, killing a scientist and destroying his life's work.  Several gigantic puppets, carried by the mob, were thankfully unharmed in the firestorm.
Click here for this special encore presentation.
 

SUMMER SEQUELS DEPT.
Tokyo Panic 2: Gaijenna versus Dobbaru
     It was only nine months ago that Tokyo faced the threat of a hostile half-man, half-dinosaur, when citizens braced themselves for an attack by the vicious Dobbaru.  Now a new, even more sinister monster lurks just offshore, one particularly fond of blue mixed drinks.  Following numerous reports of sightings of the much-feared Gaijenna, government officials have put the country on high alert, and urged citizens to take all necessary precautions.
Click here for the full story.

NBC hopes 'Cheneys of Love' will leap to top of reality TV heap
    Fast on the highly popular, Emmy nomination-mongering heels of Survivor, the TV networks are readying an avalanche of similar low-budget, high-concept reality series, hoping to ensnare a not-quite-saturated audience. 
     Among the highest-profile of the new shows is Cheneys of Love, in which four med students are forced to monitor the Vice President with stethoscopes 24 hours a day, through his grueling schedule, until all but one give up or die of exhaustion.  Also on the docket: Love Tom Cruise, a shipbound romantic adventure, in which nubile twentysomethings attempt to convince the actor to bat for the other team. 
Click here for the full lineup.
 
LIVING

 

Cranky Andy!
    This month, we resurrect Cranky Andy's last enumerated missives.  Click here.  Has anybody seen Cranky Andy lately?  Maybe he's busy filming the new season of The Mole or something. 
 

Jittery Jeff!
    As each month passes, our antipathy towards this copycat list-o-phile fades ever so imperceptibly.  No wait, it doesn't.  He sucks.
Click here, anyway.
 

Surviwhore!
    It's the fun new game that former Survivor contestants are playing in the real world!  With the  Surviwhore-o-meter, we track who the winners and losers are in the white-knuckle race to become the most shameless media whore.  Watch out Jerri, Tina and Mark Burnett are gaining on you! 
 Which TV engineering geek show is right for me?
    First there was Battlebots, on of all places, Comedy Central.  Around the same time, TLC tried its reality/geek hand with Junkyard Wars.  After that failed to win over the coveted MTV demographic, TLC tried again with the carbon-copy show Robotica. Who wins?
Click here to find out.

More Survivor crap
    Itching to know stuff about the upcoming Survivor: Africa? Here's some crappy info.
    Or, perhaps you'd prefer to mosey over to our slightly-more arch section of Survivor Humor.  It's okay, we won't tell anyone.

EDITORIAL                                                      If you can read this, you're looking in the wrong place!

The Rant Page
    There's formerly new content on The Rant Page!  Let the huzzahs reverberate throughout the land!  Just in case you haven't been paying attention, this is your arena to sound off about whatever you find irritating.  Our standards are low, and we have space to fill.

G.O.P. vs. Hollywood - Where's the beef?
    Rush Limbaugh and other like-minded, vociferous mouthpieces for the Republican Party just love to paint Hollywood as the land of sappy liberals.  While we have little doubt that there are indeed people in Tinseltown who lean significantly to the left, even a cursory examination of actors in the political world reveals a distinct rightward tilt.  This month we look at actors-turned-politicians, and find (gasp!) they're all Republican!
Click here for the full story.		 Coming next month:
Hey, we busted our brains pouring out this pool of swill!  You really think we plan these things this far in advance?  Actually, we do.  Here's a small teaser. Check back in a few weeks to see more stuff we're working on like Japanese beavers.

- "How to tell apart all these nu metal bands"
(this required more extensive research than we thought).
- Meet the staff of the True Dork Times! (don't say we didn't warn you).

INTERACT                                                    hi there!


    We've added a few more things to our ever-changing list of Things Which Don't Suck. 
Of course, we thought people would leap at the opportunity to contribute to this.  Dang, this place must be even crappier than we originally thought. 		 Link
    The web is a scary, scary place.  We'd like you to think of us as your training wheels.  Here's this month's True Dork Times-endorsed link:
    The Unabomber Aptitude Test!  Sometimes we all wish we knew just how much like Ted Kaczynski we really are. Now, through the evil pestilence of the internet, we can.  Curse you, foul progress!
 		 E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com


Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.