By Dinah Soar
True Dork Times Rampaging Monster Specialist

TOKYO, Japan (TDT)  It was only nine months ago that Tokyo faced the threat of a hostile half-man, half-dinosaur, as citizens braced themselves for an attack by the vicious Dobbaru.  Now a new, even more sinister monster lurks just off-shore, one particularly fond of blue mixed drinks.  Following numerous reports of sightings of the much-feared Gaijenna, government officials have put the country on high alert, and urged citizens to take all necessary precautions.

Charismatic Japanese celebrity-Prime Minister Koichiro Koizumi used the opportunity to make a public announcement, and strike a neo-Nationalist pose, demanding that Japan return to the the halcyon days of unbridled militarism that preceded World War II.  "Sure, our bullets are useless against these monsters.  But does that mean we should not have legions of soldiers, armed to the teeth?  Of couse not!  Japan must be able to strike a blow against its enemies, even if it's an ineffective one!  The Americans can not be the only country pouring truckloads of money into useless weapons!  Japan must catch up!"

Following Koizumi's inspiring harangue, screaming throngs of teenage girls pressed forward to glimpse the handsome leader.  Several fainted, creating a small fracas as emergency medical personnel rushed to the fallen teens' aid, causing other teens' view of the Prime Minister to be blocked. Meanwhile, miles away, worried scientists huddled over computer screens, tracking satellite images showing two unidentified objects converging on Tokyo harbor.  Local whalers, gutting their recent catch, first alerted military officials with frantic radio reports that the two were, as feared, Gaijenna and Dobbaru.

Dobbaru, as Tokyo residents are painfully aware, is the son of Bush-ra, who caused a panic in Japan almost a decade ago by vomiting in the Prime Minister's lap, during a state dinner designed to mollify the monster.  Dobbaru developed a reputation for mayhem following a series of execution-style killings in the American state of Texas, before turning his attention Far Eastward.

Little is known of Gaijenna, although eyewitnesses report her to have a head resembling that of a plump human sorority girl, and a grey, scale-covered body featuring two large claws.  A Tokyo police report claims Gaijenna has demonstrated a distinct fondness for mixed beverages, particularly margaritas.  Others dismiss this as hearsay, blown out of proportion by the media.

Whatever the case, reports are sketchy as to the exact fate that befell Tokyo, but some eyewitnesses claim a brief but pitched battle erupted between the two monsters, apparently, some contend, over access to a local sake distillery.  Gaijenna apparently swallowed the factory whole, but indicated she preferred her sake heated, then emptied the contents of her large stomach onto the "It's a Small World" ride at Tokyo Disneyland.

Seeing this, Dobbaru whipped his tail around menacingly, cleanly slicing the Tokyo Dome off of its foundation.  Seeing numerous beer vendors inside, Dobbaru gobbled them ravenously, but apparently took one too many hot dog vendors with them, and let loose a projectile stream of regurgitation in Gaijenna's direction.

Stumbling on the freshly-moistened surface, Gaijenna let loose a howl of rage as the red and white steel of the Tokyo Tower tore through her arm, ripping it off.  Exhaling menacingly, Dobbaru motioned to his rival as she clutched her bloody stump, then bellowed, "Look... I am your father..."

A look of dismay crossing her chubby face, Gaijenna stared back at Dobbaru and hissed "I'll never join you."  Pouring the contents of a storage tank from the Asahi brewery down her throat, Gaijenna let out a final belch, and dove back into the frigid waters of Tokyo harbor, as Dobbaru looked on, smirking.

Eyewitnesses lost track of Dobbaru shortly after that.  But experts predict both monsters could be back, presumably without warning.  Plans are underway to build some sort of anti-monster defense system, "possibly a series of large nets," stated one source, upon condition of anonymity.  Tokyo residents can breathe more easily tonight, but for how long?

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