By Fran Chicontry
True Dork Times Decorating Editor

NEW YORK (TDT)  Expanding her print, radio and television reach further into niche markets, design maven Martha Stewart has launched a new magazine, Martha Stewart Space Travel.  Stewart says the she came up with the idea when "I was appalled at the lack of attention to interior decor in current NASA vessels.  When I orbit the Earth, I always try to cover the walls with useless but decorative knick-knacks."

The new publication continues the Starbucks-like metastasis of the Stewart publishing empire, which started with Martha Stewart Living, Martha Stewart Weddings and Martha Stewart Kids, but has since added several hundred new titles, including Martha Stewart Bachelor Pad, Martha Stewart Coalmine, and the most recent addition, Martha Stewart Maximum Security Prison.  In a press release, Stewart herself praised the staff of the new Space Travel, and took the opportunity to give readers a glimpse of some of the sage Martha advice included within its pages.

"When I'm in zero gravity for extended periods of time, I always miss my kinetic sculptures, such as my pecking bird.  On Earth, these almost always work through gravity.  But I've found an easy thing that you can do in your own space station is to let magnetism and electricity take over where gravity has failed.  Simply attach some iron-based shims to the moving parts, then hook up an oscillating circuit to either end of the sculpture. You'll love how it brightens up a drab cargo bay.  I've done this with my lava lamp, and I can stare at it for hours while I'm orbiting."

Word of Stewart's new publication leaked in glossy magazine circles early last month.  Ambushed by a throng of excited reporters as she arrived to have makeup applied for the filming of her HGTV show, From Martha's Kitchen, Stewart was uncharacteristically curt in her reply to questions about her new publishing venture: a cryptic "Resistance is futile."

Eyewitness observers claim the comely designer appeared to also be wearing some sort of prosthetic device on her face, and had a curious assortment of cables extending from her head.  While these claims are supported by video stills snapped by alert True Dork Times photographers, the publishing and design worlds are at a loss to explain what they might signify.

Several sources have speculated that Stewart may be suffering from an unknown medical problem, a suggestion that has generated waves of consternation and apoplexy in the world of design.  "How will we know where to place doilies without Martha?" one hysterical interior decorator asked, rhetorically. "And who will tell us how to assemble cornucopias from colorful fallen leaves, autumn squash, nuts and pine cones?"

Indeed, a world suddenly bereft of Martha Stewart might well spontaneously implode under the weight of its many area rugs, pillow shams and valances, collapsing to form a massive black hole, which would then take the rest of the Milky Way galaxy along with it.  While this future does seem all but inevitable at some point, Stewart herself hopes her new magazine will help allay some of those fears.

"My magazines will continue to inspire and motivate for many more years.  Everywhere I go, I see something new that needs my special touch.  Don't worry, there are many more titles soon to be added to my library."

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