By William Edward Tudor
True Dork Aristocracy Apologist

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT)  Rolling back centuries of progress, the Republican-controlled House, Senate and President yesterday, weary of tiresome vote-counting, media second-guessing and lawsuits, decided to toss out the current American system of government, and replace it with a traditional monarchy.  George W. Bush was proclaimed King of America, while male GOP governors, CEOs and members of Congress were invited to sit at the King's court in the House of Lords, and Supreme Court justices William Rehnquist, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas were retained as a newly-formed Execution Council, which replaces the judicial system.

"Clearly, the will of the people is that we rule," James Baker III, chief lackey to the King, proclaimed in tenorous tones.  "Our great country has had enough of corrupt politics and the abomination of the courts. America wants leaders of integrity and character.  Our party has always been on the morally correct side of every issue, and nobody can deny that God loves us more.  We therefore claim this throne as our Divine right.  Everybody is in apopleptic awe of the Bush family, so today we annoint them as our eternal leaders, and look forward to a long and prosperous reign."

In related matters, the King's father, George Herbert Walker Bush, was retroactively named the first King of America.  The King's first act was to execute former political rival Al Gore, for "Commnist Treason," following a 3-0 vote by the Execution Council.  Communist Treason is a new, all-encompassing crime, which the Council has loosely defined as any thought, word or deed that runs counter to the whims of the King.  "This was a slam-dunk case," Rehnquist noted, dryly, "especially since voting against an execution also qualifies as Communist Treason."

Dancing on the decapitated torso of his former rival, in what most observers identified as some sort of jig, the King emitted a loud whoop of joy.  When asked for clarification by the surrounding throng of reporters, the King's response was a cryptic but terse, "Release the hounds!"

Reaction within the U.S. and abroad was largely indifferent, since few people could tell the difference between the previous, "representative" form of government, and the newly-established monarchy.  Stocks closed mixed, with a slight loss by the Nasdaq, and a five-point gain by the Dow-Jones Industrial Average.