By Will Loman
Aging True Dork Times Scribe

Powered by watered-down versions of their mid-80's sounds, their atrophied limbs straining under the massive weight of their own self-importance, aging "rockers" Sting and U2 each released albums this year, to a staggeringly indifferent audience.  Remarkably, both Sting and U2 not only continue to carry themselves as Huge Rock Stars, they also persist in their delusions that they Important Artists, and that they have Valuable Social Statements to make.  The sheer audacity of these men has earned these men nominations for the first annual True Dork Times' Jagger Award for Most Irrelevant Former Artist.  The award is, of course, named after the prancing, preening lead singer of the Rolling Stones, who, after a few good songs ("Sympathy for the Devil," "Paint it Black") quickly took cartoonish self-parody to lofty new heights.

Below, we present each candidate's relative qualifications for this prestigious accolade, and invite your, our gentle readers to submit your votes.  Of course, just as in Florida, your votes are irrelevant, and the outcome will be decided solely by us, but feel free to cast those ballots anyway.

As leader of the early 80's band the Police, Sting raised the bar for pretentious lyrics to lofty new heights, sprinkling references to Vladimir Nabokov and Greek mythology over the top of the Police's otherwise moderately innovative ska-lite music.  At times, it worked.  Apparently lacking the structural integrity to withstand Sting's swelling ego, however, the Police eventually splintered, and Sting began a spectacularly unremarkabe career as a solo artist.  As such, Sting embraced faux-jazz, surrounding himself with capable musicians who were grossly underchallenged by Sting's easy-listening ditties.  Soon, Sting followed the predictable path of former musicians such as David Byrne and Paul Simon, and resorted to simply plagiarizing musical styles from other cultures, resulting in his most recent "hit," the warbly "Desert Rose."
 

POINTS IN FAVOR	POINTS AGAINST
- Appeared to almost be acting in "Dune"	- Now seen being chauffered near English castles in Jaguar commercials
- Kept same spiky hairstyle for years, despite dramatic shifts in popular fashion and severe hair loss	- Not only licensed a Police song to Sean "Puffy" Combs, but demanded to sing in it, as well
- Appeared (albeit as himself) on "The Simpsons"	- Sang during that episode

All in all, a worthy contender for the Jagger Irrelevancy Prize.

It's hard to believe these guys were once a flag-waving, almost-punky band of young political rabble-rousers. Still trying to retain street cred, the four members of U2 now stumble around in leather, interesting facial hair choices and various "cool" shades, despite being multimillionaire mid-fortyish guys who play mediocre corporate pop/disco tunes.  Perhaps it would be easier to give them a break, if it weren't for the preening self-importance of lead singer Paul "Boner" Hewson, who fancies himself as a world leader and global activist (while sucking up to the head of the WTO), doing duets with Sinatra, and various other wholly embarassing activities.
 

POINTS IN FAVOR	POINTS AGAINST
- All albums through "The Unforgettable Fire" were pretty good	- Every album since has sucked
- Also appeared on "The Simpsons"	- Unfortunately, this was long after the show started sucking
- Increasingly resembling the Village People	- NBC used their new commercial jingle-like "hit" single, "Beautiful Day" to recap day after day of  US medal-winning activities during the Sydney Olympics.  Which is somewhat interesting, since they're still at least semi-Irish.

If the band were just Bono himself, U2 would have long ago locked up this prize. Unfortunately, the Edge is a pretty decent guitar player, making this race oh-so-tight.  Stay tuned to see the results from the final manual recount....