BOULDER, Colorado (TDT)  Exuberant scientists from the prestigious Boulder College Cancer Institute recorded a scientific milestone Thursday, when they announced their sixth cure for cancer within one week. "The amazing thing is, we still had an extra day," mused principal investigator George "Rusty" Cann, sipping from his victory coffee mug, emblazoned with the jubilant words "Six-peat!!" Cann added, "I'm not really sure what's going on the lab right now, there may be two or three more we can tack on!"

Officials at the National Cancer Insitute have yet to confirm the Cann group's latest discovery, but it was reported as a cancer cure on a local TV newscast, so therefore it must be true.  The previous record was three cures in one week, set last May by Dr. Judas Kinterman, of the Montana Technical Institute.

In the past week, Cann's laboratory has been responsible for a wealth of cancer cures. On Monday, a press release told of their characterization of a protein dubbed "anticancerin," based on the fact that it is produced in normal cells, but not in tumorous ones. "We haven't actually shown that it has any effect on cancer," Zelda Rubin, a cautious graduate student working on the project, told us, "Rusty just thought it would be a sexy name."  Nonetheless, a local newspaper ran the story that evening, and the ball was rolling for Cann's four days of brilliance.

A local Fox News TV crew toured the lab on Tuesday, fresh on the heels of the anticancerin discovery, and noticed Dr. Quang Chin, a post-doctoral researcher, spraying bleach on a petri dish brimming with cancer cells. "It's to kill the mold that's growing in the dish," Chin explained in response to the reporters' frantic inquiries, "but, yeah, I guess it does kill the cancer cells, too." Chin then turned off the power to the incubator in which the cells had been growing, noting "I have to get rid of the contamination... all of these cells are going to die." Fox trumpeted "Twin Cancer Cures! " during commercial breaks throughout the evening. Just like that, Cann's group had tied the record long thought to be insurmountable.

"We were pretty pleased," Cann recalled, although some lab members had expressed hesitation about the overall value to patients of their work at the time. "Rusty seemed pretty excited, though," concurred Enrique Castro, a technician in the lab. Cann's colleagues were not done yet, though, not by a long shot.

Attracted by the publicity, Discover magazine reported Cann's fourth and fifth cures, in an in-depth cover story entitled "Cancer: A Scourge of the Past?"  This issue will hit newstands next week.  "I'm not real sure what's in it," Cann said. "The writer told me it's new stuff from the lab.  I'm sure journalists are pretty good evaluators of scientific data, though."

Not to be outdone by national journalists, reporters from local ABC-TV affiliate KRUD descended on the Cann group Wednesday, and conducted a series of probing interviews, determined to uncover any additional cures Cann might have been holding back. Undergraduate intern Seth Robinson was the first to crack. Caught perfusing a dead tumor-laden mouse with formaldehyde, a strong tissue-preserving fixative, Robinson let slip that "No, the tumor can't grow after the formaldehyde treatment." Despite Robinson's repeated calls to the station, KRUD's evening newscasts relayed the exciting discovery of formaldehyde's tumor growth-preventing properties, and the Cann group's modern-day record was established.

Other scientists, obviously jealous of Cann's astounding achievements, expressed skepticism as to the value of some of his findings.  "I'm pretty sure it would not be a good idea to inject cancer patients with bleach," Dr. Phil Wellstone, director of the Pittsburgh Institute for Tumor Studies, noted.  Wellstone also questioned the value of the turning-off-the-power results. "It was good enough for Fox," responded Cann.

Linus Pauling, the respected chemist who in later life publically championed medical breakthroughs of dubious merit, was unavailable for comment, possibly because he has been dead for several years.  "But we're pretty sure he's just as excited about this as we are," Cann said.

Asked about his future plans, Cann seemed non-committal. "It's been such a whirlwind. I've got a lot of meetings to go to, interviews to give, and such. I haven't had much of a chance to plot a future direction for the lab."

Rest assured, America: in our reasoned and scientifically expert opinion, at this pace, a cure to all disease can't be far off.

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