| True
Dork Times - archives |
Here
are our unsightly piles of previous content (disclaimer:
not actually guaranteed to make you feel content, quite the opposite
in all likelihood). Please feel free to rummage through them.
We're not sure why you'd want to, but hey, from the looks of you
it's probably better not to ask questions. Helpfully, we put the
oldest, most embarrassing stuff on top.
 Volume
I
Upon further review, you really don't want to further
review this stuff. Click the links if you decide otherwise.
Don't say we didn't try to warn you, though.
Volume
I, Issue 1: September, 2000
This is where it all started. Perfect
for internet geeks who spam discussions with complaints about
how we just aren't funny any more. Here's the proof we
sucked from the start.
Volume I, Issue 2: November-December,
2000
Okay, we tried our hardest to
avoid mentioning the election thing, but really, did
you expect us to stand idly by while the two king morons
had their daily slugfests? At least let it be
noted that we tried to keep our coverage to a minimum,
so as not to be confused with MSNBC. Don't forget
the debut of Dobba-ru! |
Volume
II
This is what we can do when we have atwelve full months to apply ourselves.
After reading through it again, you all were right to ignore it.
Volume II, Issue 1: January, 2001
A new year. A fresh start for the country. The same, tired jokes you saw last
year. That about covers it. Plus Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden in a boy
band! What could be funnier? Okay, you can be quiet now.
Volume II, Issue 2: February, 2001
Horoscopes! Survivor-bashing (sort of)! Computer viruses! Unnecessary exclamation
points!
Volume II, Issue 3: March, 2001
Disney opens a new park, and you are there! G.W.B. vs PETA, more color, a flood
of visitors to the Surviv-o-meter, the dawn of baseball season, and a bunch
of other crap.
Volume II, Issue 4: April, 2001
Donald Trump, papal candidate? Rectal head-stuffing, vague Presidential threat
by Bush, and Star Trek riots! Plus, amish advice from Seth, a computer quiz,
and Cranky Andy's lists. The main page passes the Survivor stuff in popularity
with this issue. Did we do something right? Nah, probably not.
Volume II, Issue 5: May, 2001
Apple releases the iApple for a post-computer economy; French harvest boogers;
Clinton traded to China; and South Park: The Broadway Musical! Plus
more Cranky Andy, some reader mail, and finally, an issue without Survivor.
 Volume II, Issue 6: June, 2001
Galley slaves added to new SUVs. Teletubby arrested. Sixer-friendly NBA Finals
rules instated. Disney dumbs down Discover even further. Plus Jenna Bush, advises
us on good places to drink! Yippee!
Volume II, Issue 7: July, 2001
Cheney gets heart, Bush next in line for brain. Cubs acquire Jordan. So many
exciting things to buy in Skymall. Plus Surviwhore! debuts, and we take a trip
to India with Mark Hansen. Readers long for the funny, heady stuff of the April
issue.
Volume II, Issue 8: August, 2001
Martha Stewart spreads her magic to space travel. Gaijenna vs. Dobbaru! Cheneys
of Love and Love Tom Cruise top new reality TV offerings. Which
engineering geek TV show is right for me? GOP vs. Hollywood. Launch of something
called Survihumor. (That's okay, we don't remember it, either).
Volume II, Issue 9: September, 2001
It was the month in which the world changed.
Humor suddenly had no meaning. Around the world, topical, political satire was
replaced by maudlin remembrances. Except here, of course, where we were just
too lazy to take down and/or replace our immediately-dated Gary Condit and Bush
summer vacation jokes. Also, there was still Survivor:Africa to ridicule.
Not to mention our anniversary celebration. We're leaving the party decorations
up, in case all the guests just got lost on the way here.
Volume II, Issue 10: October, 2001
It was the month after the month in which the world changed. We were back to
making fun of stupid things, as part of our patriotic duty. This included:
The new-new economy of flag making; President Bush declares war on the English
language; white powder found near Whitney Houston; Indiana man claims Nobel snub
for discovering Bose-Einstein condensate after visiting Taco Bell; failed attempts
to clone Bigfoot. Also, our helpful guide to nu metal making. Plus
a bunch of the usual crap.
Volume II, Issue 11: November, 2001
A full issue with almost no political stuff! Steinbrenner sues Satan. Our shiny
new Windows XP Quiz. An investigative report: How Bill Gates chose "Ray
of Light" as the XP theme song. Faced with continuing economic woes, US
mulls contraction. Utah "finds a way" to convince Olympic committee
to proceed, despite war. The underwhelming debut of Moronic Milestones. Plus
updates from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and tons of Survivor stuff.
Volume II,
Issue 12: December, 2001
We are gripped by the holiday spirit as we trot out our Holiday Gift Guide, as
well as a Northern Alliance happy sing-along. Jar Jar Binks - the new star of
Star Wars: Episode 2. Crazy Larry's Stock Picks! And the usual assortment of
way too much Survivor stuff, Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and Things Which Don't
(or Do) Suck.
|
Volume
III
Here's where the random, unexplained hiatuses start.
 Volume III, Issue 1: January,
2002
We kick off the new year with the Second Annual True Dork Times Year-End Awards. Yeah,
they sucked about as much as last years, but at least we have a tasteful new
trophy to go with them. Dr. Laura tapes reveal possible alternate source
of Bush's bruises. Leonardo DiCaprio launches a new career as an internet
psychic, Mr. Leo. 'Genius Award' given for revolutionary 'People Are Morons'
theory. A merciful end comes to Survivor 3, and our coverage, which immediately
switches over to Survivor 4. Plus more of the usual stuff from Cranky Andy,
Jittery Jeff, and things which Do or Don't suck.
Volume III, Issue 2: February,
2002
This is mercifully a short month, meaning you were exposed to these atrocities
for only 28 days: A Saudi 9/11 memorial comes under fire for ethnically diverse
depictions of hijackers. Anti-partisanship bill stalls amid Congessional
political bickering. President George W. Bush is actually a French spy. The
debut of Crappy, the Smart-Assed Toilet! And the usual drivel you've come
to expect from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff and so on. Plus a heap of shiny
new Survivor buttons to push.
Volume III, Issue 3: March, 2002
John Ashcroft detains the Swedish Chef. Strom Thurmond revealed to be older
than originally thought. Americans rapidly becoming unable to identify
Afghanistan. Plus the usual stuff from Cranky Andy, Jittery Jeff, and Crappy.
Volume III, Issue 4: April,
2002
Our first (and last) April Fools issue. We'll try to do better next time, really. The
True Dork Times gets bought out by telecom megagiant Faux News. As such,
much of the new content is replaced by aging, partially decomposed stories. Few
notice. Somewhere in this, Crappy, Cranky Andy, Things Which Don't Suck,
et al., manage to worm their way into the mix.
 Volume III, Issue 5: May-June,
2002
Yet another new design change excites few and is noticed by fewer. Paranoid Bill
debuts, talking about fluoride. Michael Jackson picked by pope to oversee molesting
priests. John Ashcroft to star in new ABC sitcom, John Ashcroft Controls
the Planet. Ted McGinley hired as new castmember at White House, GOP worries
relevancy may have passed. Plus, more of the usual gibberish, Survivor crap,
and things that do or don't suck.
Volume III, Issue 7: July, 2002
There will be no issue 6, because we retired the number to honor Ted Williams
(Number 9), currently being held upside down in cold storage. In the meantime,
Bush denies using steroids to break all-time fundraising record. Analysts shocked
by seamless transitions through acting Cheney Presidency. Mattress makers rest
peacefully as stock market collapses. Lucas hires Tom Green to play final Darth
Vader/Anakin Skywalker role. Plus Jittery Jeff, more Survivor crap, and (the
pre-blog form of) our good friend Crappy.
Volume III, Issue 8: August,
2002
The stars are shining bright tonight, in Celebrity American Idol. Baseball gives
loyal fans a "gesture". Satanists apologize for underhyping upcoming
6/6/6 calendar date. Budget Rent-A-Car goes bust, we check the filing. Plus more
Survivor crap, Jittery Jeff, and Cranky Andy.
Volume III, Issue 9: September,
2002
Martha Stewart continues her domination of the airwaves
from prison. CBS acquires the rights to the hot new celebrity-reality series, The
Clintons. We uncover George W. Bush's "top secret" blog. Plus even
more Survivor crap, Jittery Jeff, and Cranky Andy.
|
Volume
IV
Wow, two whole issues in a year! We could say we were busy
with the Crappy blog, or Survivor stuff, but in all honesty,
we were just lazy.
Volume IV, Issue 1: February,
2003
The CDC, in a scary move predating the SARS and monkeypox outbreaks, warns about
a strange cluster of lipbiting cases in the White House. Don't say we didn't
warn you. Plus the usual crap on Survivor and so on.
Volume
IV, Issue 2: June, 2003
The life-support (on an iv, anyway) volume slogs along
with one(!) new article, detailing auditions for American
Scapegoat (we'd yawn, but at least it had a spiffy graphic. No wait, *yawn*).
Oh, but Crappy is still flushing away, and a few things still don't suck.
|
Volume
V
Whereupon we gave up on the whole "magazine" concept,
and did away with old-media conceits like issue numbers. Too
bad we didn't ditch writing stuff while we were at it, eh?
Volume V: January,
2004
This would be the one in which the True Dork
Times breaks out of its Survivor-induced coma, and goes right back
to making fun of TV. The Bush team plots to win over gay voters,
Madonna-style. TDT News Briefs on the Mars rovers, Britney, and the
Democratic Primaries. The TDT Indie-to-postpunk conversion chart.
Top music stories of 2003. And (*gasp*) the 24 Life Expectancy
Chart debuts.
 Volume
V: April, 2004
Where we explore the age-old question (which was relevant for exactly
one season - the debut season of The Apprentice): Who would win in
a fight between Mark Burnett (Survivor producer) and Mark Burnett
(Apprentice producer)? Also: Dick Cheney's iPod most-played tracks;
exploding market for Passion of the Christ-ian relics, and Bert &
Ernie tie the knot in San Francisco.
Volume V: June,
2004
Music world shocker! - Judge rules that Madonna can no longer legally
claim to be "Like A Virgin." Meanwhile, the FBI ups the
election-year ante, issuing an immediate rise to the terrorist threat
level, based on "increasing internet chatter" among alleged Amish
extremists. Also, we debut the poorly-advised (and in retrospect,
completely ineffective) Bush administration indict-o-meter.
Volume V: October, 2004
Nothing to see here, move along. Okay, there is an election-2004
themed "comic" strip (sorry, we won't do it again... mainly because
election 2004 is but a distant memory). Oh, and we returned to Survivor spoiling
in time for Survivor: Vanuatu. We're sure you're appropriately
thrilled.
|
And
the rest...
As far as we know, that's pretty much it for original content
that's not already covered by the Survivor
Index. Here are some front pages from the time between
the last TDT "issue" and now:
January, 2005
Not
much new here, circa Survivor:
Palau.
May,
2005
Gratuitous music links, Survivor:
Guatemala, end of the 24 game, link to the still not-yet-blogified
Crappy page.
 June,
2005
In response to a complete absence
of demand, the True Dork Times Guide to Creating Marginally
Subversive Animation,
plus Crappy now has a blog, which is updated semi-regularly
for a brief time, then mercifully abandoned.
July, 2005
George W. Bush nominates First Dog Barney for
the Supreme Court (this actually pre-dated the Harriet Myers
nomination, believe it or not). Ayatollah Khamenei takes an
early lead in the competition for the Imsori X-ed Out Prize.
Plus the usual bunch of other crap.
October, 2005 ;
November, 2005 ; December,
2005 ; February, 2006
Not much new, apart from stuff excerpted from Crappy's blog. Nothing
changes, either, apart from the dates.
May, 2006
With a new design, we resort to the cheapest of all publishing
stunts: "TDT Classic." Which looked oh-so-fresh
when it was repeated in June,
2006, or July,
2006. Or, for that matter September,
2006 or December,
2006. And then there's the fun-filled months of January,
2007, and June,
2007, or October, 2007.
January, 2008
Another election year, another redesign. And by "redesign,"
we mean cutting the "TDT Classic" charade, and sticking to
the games and Survivor junk that keeps the site running. Sorry,
all you people who are unable to peruse this page, and instead
desperately wish to see links to dated topical humor on our
root-level index page! We're guessing there are approximately
zero of you. On the plus side, by February,
2008, we no longer
updated the Survivor part. (Thanks for sucking, FvF!) By
March, 2008, the games part had also lapsed into tedium, but
we stuck with it, barely.
|
|
| Old
Survivor stuff - click to go to the Survivor Index |
 |
| Direct
link to our defunct blog |
 Crappy
the Smart-Assed Toilet: Without question, the crappiest blog
on the web. But it is updated marginally more frequently than this
page. Except that it isn't any more.
Yes, like millions of other people in the middle-aughts,
we had a spotty, poorly-read blog, with which we occasionally posted
Survivor-related updates and (trying to be humorous) recaps. And
lectured the indifferent masses on our fine taste in indie rock music.
You're welcome. Speaking of which... |
| Gratuitous
music links: You didn't ask for them, but boy do we have them |
highwire |
The Jasper Rine |
Jackhammer Cats |
| Redundant links
to other
stuff |
Unnecessary
logo: |
Contact
us: |
For completely obsolete
coverage of other Survivor seasons, visit the Survivor index.
Similarly dated topical humor: TDT.com archives |
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