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August, 2002

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Volume III
No. 8
Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                 If you can read this, email us at truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com


Satanists issue apology for June 6, 2006 lapses
    Satanists issued a broad apology today for falling behind on their Doomsday predictions for June 6, 2006, a date that will be written as 6/6/6 on many calendars.  Satanist leader, Evil Lord Scott Williams, issued the apology amid rumors that the date had been forgotten by Satanist goups altogether. "We know it's coming," stated Williams, "we just really got behind with the whole millenium prediction in 1999, the Pat Buchanan campaign in 2000, and of course, the stock market collapse."
Click here for the full story.

A True Dork Times Investigative Report
"I guess they didn't get the insurance"
Inside the Budget Rent-A-Car Bankruptcy
    On Monday, July 29th, Budget Group Inc, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court. The company, which rents cars and trucks under the Budget and Ryder brand names, listed assets of $4.05 billion and debts of $4.33 billion in its Chapter 11 petition. As a respectable publication, we had our crack reporting team inside the courtroom, secretly taping the proceedings.
Click here to hear how it went.

Baseball players, owners will present trophy to long-suffering fans
    In a move intended to quell rising fan anxiety about continued baseball labor strife, the sport's players and owners have agreed to present a year-end award to the fans of the team that finishes last. The cast-bronze trophy features a hand with the middle finger extended skyward. Commissioner Bud Selig explained, "This tells even our least-satisfied fans that they're 'Number One' in our hearts."
Click here for the full story.

Stars lining up for American Idol: Celebrity Edition
    It used to be that established actors such as Keanu Reeves and Bruce Willis would doggedly pursue their delusional dreams of rock stardom in poorly-packed clubs, in front of handfuls of desperate, moderately obsessive fans. But thanks to the recent announcement of an upcoming "Celebrity Edition" of the runaway success American Idol, now existing stars themselves can pursue their lifelong dreams of becoming manufactured cheesy pop stars. All in the same way they live the rest of their lives: in front of millions of people.
Click here for the full story.
LIVING                             Actually, this section has very little to do with real life.

Cranky Andy
   Cranky Andy is back at it again, making lists o' stuff. This month, he enlightens us with handy wisdom for the first year of marriage. Ah, sweet marital bliss. Click here to read his helpful tips.

Jittery Jeff!
   Okay, we discovered long ago that this Jeff guy is actually a weak rip-off of the formerly prolific Cranky Andy. Now that Andy's back, Jeff'd better start being funny soon, or he'll be getting the boot. Click here to see his lists.

Step this way for quick links to our way-too-large collection of Survivor content.
General Survivor crap Survivor 5: Thailand crap

Surviwhore!
Making fun of instant demi-celebrities. Newly refurbished to mock Survivors 2 through 4.		 Yes, this show is already in the can. Check out our S5 calendar to see what happened.

If you don't get our Survivor-related humor , you probably should watch the show. No wait, don't do that.

Want to know who's getting the boot?  So do we. But we're dumb enough to guess publicly, in our
Survivometer 5 .
Nostalgic for  Survivor: Marquesas?  Didn't think so. Still, feel free to relive the trauma with our S4 episode recaps . Want to ruin the show for yourself or others? Cool! Stop by our S5 Spoiler section, to see what we have to offer.
EDITORIAL                      Hoping to fill more table cells with empty texture in the near future.

Link
Enlighted.com  As featured on Ripley's Believe It or Not. Because everyone needs clothes with lights in them. Especially at work.

Crappy's Bowl o' Flushing
    We've invited our mascot, Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet, to write his own column.  Stop by each month to hear his hilarity-filled take on an especially flushable topic.  Watch out, he may have a potty mouth!
    This month: The baseball strike.		 Things which don't suck
    Despite appearances to the contrary, there are actually a few things in the world that do not sink to the level of suckdom. Very, very few.  After an exhaustive search, we've uncovered a small collection. Click here to see what we've found.
Archives
    Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.

E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com