| Question: |
Crappy
Sez: |
| Why
are baseball players planning to go on strike? |
Because
they're greedy. And because the owners would cut their salaries
if they don't. Which also equals "greedy." |
| Wait a
second, aren't the owners partially at fault? |
No, of course not. See, the owners keep complaining about how
expensive player salaries are. Then they'll turn around and double
a player's salary, if that's what it takes to screw another owner.
Then they scream even more loudly that they're going broke, gut
the team, and sell it at a 100% profit over what the paid for
it three years earlier. Things would be much more peaceful if
they could just dispense with these piddling things, like games
and players, while they're waiting for their investments to mature. |
| If
Bud Selig, Don Fehr and George Steinbrenner were locked in a room
for a month, who would come out the winner? |
As
long as you didn't give them any food: the fans. |
| Is
baseball fixed? |
No.
Except for: the players, who are almost all on steroids; the owners'
financial statements; Bob Nightengale; and the inability of the
Cubs, White Sox and Red Sox to win the World Series. |
| Doesn't
anyone remember 1994? |
Apparently
not. Don't worry, to win back the fans in 2003, they'll look the
other way on steroids, and allow stars like Bonds and Sosa to
hit off of tees, resulting in an exciting race to 162 homers in
a season. |
| What does
'contraction' mean? |
With
so many teams now, the owners can't command the same prices when
they try to sell. A mere 50% gain over three years is just not
worth the hassle. Supply and demand therefore dictates that some
of the teams have to go. |
| So
I'm assuming the players are pissed off about that, too? |
Well,
yeah, since the owners are attempting to lay off 6% of the workforce
to boost their own profits. Of course, if the owners have more
money, they'll inevitably blow at least some of it on overpriced
free agents. So the only people with the real beef here are the
fans and the mid- to lower-level team and stadium employees. But
they don't have a union, so they're screwed. |
