|
 HOLLYWOOD,
California (TDT) It used to be that established actors such as Keanu
Reeves and Bruce Willis would doggedly pursue their delusional dreams
of rock stardom in poorly-packed clubs, in front of handfuls of desperate,
moderately obsessive fans. But thanks to the recent announcement of
an upcoming "Celebrity Edition" of the runaway success American
Idol, now existing stars themselves can pursue their lifelong dreams
of becoming manufactured cheesy pop stars. All in the same way they
live the rest of their lives: in front of millions of people.
Television critics have generally panned the
FOX network's decision to keep ratings afloat by replacing the series'
previous crop of starry-eyed young unknowns with stars the audience
already recognizes (or, in the case of publicity-starved castmember
Kato Kaelin, has repeatedly forgotten). FOX officials defended the show's
re-tooling, stating that "Celebrities have just as much right as
anyone else to peddle horrifically bad music to gullible teenagers.
In fact, being celebrities, they have more right to do so."
The star-studded edition will retain the same
essential formula as the original hit summer series. Contestants will
perform before the panel of judges, and the pool will gradually be whittled
down, with audience input, until one lucky singer remains. That person
will win a recording contract with record producer and judge Simon Cowell's
label.
Among the celebrity hopefuls are comedienne
Roseanne Barr, who plans to put memories of her crotch-grabbing National
Anthem performance to rest by "breaking out the Britney songs...
and outfits!" Also competing will be football great Troy Aikman,
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, ubiquitous former Survivor
Susan Hawk, and puppeteer Frank Oz.
Some of the Celebrity show's casting
decisions have already been the source of controversy. Former child
star Donny Osmond was removed when producers discovered that, prior
to his appearance on Fear Factor, he had already had a singing
career. "We were as shocked as anyone," admitted acerbic judge
Simon Cowell, adding that "He didn't have much stage presence,
anyway. After reviewing the tapes, his bit only seems to work when you
get that creepy incest vibe from his sister."
And in preparing for this opportunity, the
celebs appear to be taking it seriously. Swears early consensus favorite
David Hasselhoff: "This time, it won't just be the Germans buying
my albums." Criticism that Hasselhoff was given a free pass on
his prior recording contract was brushed aside by FOX officials, who
replied, "Come on, give the guy a break. That's the only American-made
product Germany has ever bought. He deserves a medal."
Finally, late night newscaster Ted Koppel is
getting into the act as well. He has been practicing his dance moves
in a chest-revealing, heavily-sequined, skin-tight jumpsuit. He auditioned
for the show with a high-energy rendition of Madonna's "Live A
Virgin," which the producers described as "show stopping."
Privately, Koppel is oozing confidence in his chances, and vows, "I'm
going to mop the floor with these losers."
|
