Today, be warned!  Jittery Jeff has the following lists for you:

Top White House suggested global warming fixes
Top scenes from Elmo: Uncensored
Top new names Enron could adopt to improve public trust
Top alternate spellings of "Al-Qaida"
Top little-known Rhode Island driving laws
Top reasons Santa doesn't fly on domestic airlines
Things slightly less painful to watch than Carrot Top phone commercials
Top goals for Emeril's next 1000 shows
Top alternate names for Operation Infinite Justice, oops, Noble Eagle, oops...
Scenes unlikely to occur in Attack of the Clones
Top signs the end is near
Coolest thing to say to British royalty
Top rejected True Dork Times mottos
Surefire marketing phrases to separate gullible idiots from their money
Things you're unlikely to hear on the next Iron Chef
Unlikely Hollywood blockbusters for Summer, 2002
Problems with listening to NPR all day
Funniest moment during Survivor 2

1. Blame it all on Clinton.

2. For campaign donations of $10,000 or more, you get a free full-body X-ray, to help you mutate and adapt.

3. Invade Iraq.

4. Encourage farmers to replace methane-pumping cows with clean, efficient oil wells.

5. Government will pay Harken Energy and Halliburton $20 billion each to research whether oil and gas production might actually improve greenhouse emissions.

6. Pass constitutional amendment banning flag burning - smoke might further damage environment.

7. Raise regressive gasoline tax, to help punish the poor for not being able to afford newer, more fuel-efficient cars (whoops, sorry, that's the Greens' clever plan).

8. If the first time didn't work, invade Iraq again.

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1.  Screw you guys, I'm not opening that door.  You know as well as I do that you always pour crap on my head, and that today we're learning about feces!

2.  Guess what Elmo's thinking about today?  Titties!  That's right, titties!  Big, fat, silicon-enhanced titties!

2.  Dammit, why do I always have to ask Mr. Noodle? That retarded mime never knows jack shit!

3.  Mr. Noodle, why do you dress so nattily, have a mustache, and live with your "brother," Mr. Noodle?  What are you, French?

4.  I swear, Shade, if you screw with me one more time, it's curtains for you.

5.  Dorothy wants to know why the hell everyone else on the show, from the computer to the drawer, gets speaking parts, and she doesn't!  She's filing a species-discrimination lawsuit against CTW!  Your asses are toast!

6.  Oh look!  Dorothy's imagining Elmo as an international porn star!  Hee hee hee!

7.  Elmo wants to learn more about shooting smack.  What can Elmo do?  Oh that's right, he can watch the heroin channel!

8.  Come on everybody, let's sing the "Penis Song"!  Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis penis penis!...

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1.  The Al-Qaida Company

2. Ponzi Inc.

3. The Corporation for Strategic Influence

4. Three Card Monte Co.

5. OJ Corp.

6. Pyramid Investment Co.

7. Microsoft

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1.  Al Qaida

2. Al-Qaeda

3. Al-Quaida

4. El Guyda

5. O, Canada

6. Elvira

7. Allied Van Co.

8. Al Gore (preferred White House spelling)

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1.  Stop signs are optional.

2.  Stop signs are especially optional if the car in front of you stopped.

3.  Shoulders are for passing the idiots who slow down for the optional stop signs.

4.  Cars making an unprotected left turn in front of oncoming traffic always have the right of way.

5.  If such cars are not given the right of way, horns and fingers are a polite reminder of the traffic laws.

6.  Police cars, ambulances and fire engines with flashing lights had better get out of the way if you're in a hurry, or they will be reminded of the traffic laws.

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1.  Weary of overeager stepped-up airport security questions: "So, nice beard... are you a member of the Taliban?"

2.  Embarrassingly unable to squeeze all of his jolliness into a single seat.

3.  "Sorry sir, we only allow two pets per flight.  You'll have to make other arrangements for you six remaining reindeer."

4.  Keep getting stuck next to babies who are getting coal this year.

5.  Terms of probation prohibit flying until he has completed "air rage" counseling.

6.  Stated preference for open-air flights (translation: chronic flatulence).

7.  Tired of other passenger's complaints about stopping at every house.

8.  Skymall addiction.

9.  Sack of gifts will not fit in overhead compartment, unwilling to risk losing luggage by checking at the gate.

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1.  Your leg being gnawed off by a rabid pack of wolverines.

2.  Your fingernails being ripped from your hand, one at a time, as your hand sits in a salt-water bath.

3.  Your intestines being pulled from your stomach and wrapped around a tree.

4.  Your genitalia being pulverized by a meat mallet.

5.  Commercials for Corky Romano.

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1.  5000 more dishes featuring the holy trinity: pork fat, whole cream, and about 40,000 cloves of garlic.

2.  A new politician / demi-celebrity to suck up to on every show!

3.  Slowly sneak in new, edgy, war-themed catchphrase: "Boom!"

4.  After years of rigorous instruction in Spanish, maybe remember once in a while that there is an "o" at the end of "chorizo."

5.  Keep sending those daily letters to Chairman Kaga, respectfully suggesting you be named "Iron Chef Creole."

6.  Try to distance self from fictional cooking show host Emeril Lagasse on NBC's godawful Emeril.

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1.  Operation High Noon.

2.  Operation Sting Like A Bee.

3.  Operation Holy Christian Crusade... oh wait, Valiant Knights... ah, the hell with it.

4.  Operation Desert Storm, Part Deux.

5.  Operation This Time It'll Work, We Swear.

6.  Operation by Milton Bradley.  Ages 6 and up.

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1.  Anakin, in his initiation test for the Dark Side, eviscerates Jar Jar, slices off his tongue, and waves it around in a drunken victory dance (not that wouldn't like to see that anyway, hint hint).

2.  Time-traveling Jedi Silent Bob embarks on a secret mission into the future, to a galaxy far, far away, and stops Kevin Smith from making any movies after Clerks.

3.  Risking life and limb, Silent Bob then stops off in 1980, and convinces George Lucas to call it quits after Empire.

4.  In a dangerous experiment, Emperor Palpatine rounds up all the wookies on Endor, and harvests their tissues to clone a master army of wookies.  Sadly, the technology fails, and he ends up with mere ewoks.  Frustrated, he throws them back.

5.  The Jedi hatch a brilliant plan to disable Imperial forces by giving each ship a breeding pair of Tribbles.

6.  Slave revolt on Tatooine succeeds as they unleash a carnivorous army of genetically-engineered tomatos on their hapless captors.

7.  Ewan MacGregor rips off his cloak, stalks of the set, and commences throttling a stunned George Lucas, screaming "What the hell were you smoking when you wrote this crap?  I mean, come on, Howard the Duck sucked less than this!"

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1.  Samuel Adams Light.  We suspected a slippery slope when the faux-techno, mild T & A commercials started, and the Ben Affleck ad campaign was further evidence. But this?

2.  Jane's Addiction reunite for MTV's 20th Anniversary party, and play... "Been Caught Stealing."  You waited 10 years to do that?

3.  The unrelenting avalance of oh-so funny, ever-so-slightly different "ready for a cold one?" Coors Light commercials.  This is the best ad campaign hundreds of millions of dollars can produce?

4.  Fuel's "Bad Day."  How can music this dull, lifeless and insipid be this popular?  As for the video: Dude, if it hurts you that much to sing this, maybe you should just stop.  Seriously.

5.  The True Dork Times is one year old.  True, some of these jokes are even older, but wow!  It's all downhill from here.

6.  "Mr. Potato Head: The Comic Strip".  Worse yet, it's drawn by Jim Davis, creator of "Garfield."

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1.  "You've just shot an ibis, you fat wanker!"

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1.  "Never been slashdotted, never will" - too honest.

2.  "Our news may not be true, but you're still a dork" - actually used in first issue.

3.  "More bitter and tear-inducing than that other fake news e-zine" - okay, we used this one, too.

4.  "All the nudes that fit, we print" - too obvious. Might help with search engines, though.

5.  "Slightly more legible than a million monkeys with a million typewriters"

6.  "We make USA Today look like the New Yorker"

7.  "Happy news: by happy people, for happy people"

8.  "We jumped the shark in Issue 1"

9.  "What we lack in quality, we make up for in odor."

10. "Why yes, we did appoint ourselves the supreme arbiters of cool, why do you ask?"

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1.  "Herbal"

2.  "All-natural"

3.  "Organic"

4.  "Fat-burning"

5.  "Free of genetically modified ingredients"

6.  "The power of magnets"

7.  "Blocks harmful cell phone radiation"

8.  "Energy boosting"

9.  "Money-back guarantee"

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1.  "Chairman Kaga, did you know you're dressed like Michael Jackson?"

2. "Dude, that looks like, totally disgusting!"

3. "And on today's celebrity tasting panel, former U.S. President, George Bush!"

4. "For today's contest, I select Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai"

5. "Today's challenger is an American chef who can't even cook rice... Keith Famie!"

6. "And the challenger has put forth only one dish, an unopened can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli-O's"

7. "Today's theme ingredient is: Count Chocula!"

8. "Today's challenger has achieved fame and fortune working the drive-thru window at a McDonald's in Sioux City, Iowa"

9. "Goddammit, Ota!  Stop interrupting me!"

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1.  "Jurassic Park 4: Cloning the dead people from Parts 1-3"

2.  "CHiPs 2002: Arresting the Band"

3.  "Three Hours with Blue Man Group"

4.  "The Animal: Part 2"

5.  "The Mummy 3: Hello, Strom Thurmond"

6.  "Sprockets" featuring Tim Meadows as Dieter

7.  Ben Affleck in "The Grenada Invasion", directed by Michael Bay, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer

8.  "Battlefield Earth: The Sequel"

9.  Disney's "Visiting Ronald McDonald" - not even trying to hide the marketing tie-ins any more

10. "Scooby Doo" (yes, we know this film is actually being made)

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1. Thanks to lack of paid commercials, becoming critically unaware of the latest annoying McDonalds jingle.

2.  Urge to gnaw off own leg while being stuck with a full hour of the alleged humor of "Whad'ya Know?" with Michael Feldman.

3.  Frequently find yourself humming irritating "Fresh Air" theme, rather than irritating jingles, er "songs," like Smashmouth's "All Star."

4.  Waiting 167 hours for the next edition of "This American Life."

5.  Urge to move to New England, just to hear more people who sound like the "Car Talk" guys.

6.  Endless suspense, unaided by their web site, wondering if Bob Weston, production staff member of Chicago-based "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" is the same Bob Weston who plays bass for Chicago-based Shellac.

7.  Lingering suspicion that the Car Talk web site is considerably funnier than this one.

8.  Listening to barely-comprehensible British cricket and soccer players trot out endless tired athletic cliches on "BBC World Service" spoils the illusion that American baseball players do it as an homage to Bull Durham.

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1.  "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" commercials for Walker, Texas Ranger, featuring senior citizen Chuck Norris, in black cowboy hat and trenchcoat, throwing phantom karate chops and kicks.  Sadly, aired only once.

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