It should be noted at this point that including recaps, reunion shows, and the couple of sanctioned specials, this is the one hundredth episode of Survivor. This is typically the number reached before a show is sold into syndication. So with any luck we will soon be catching classic reruns of Survivor after the six o'clock news, though if syndicated reruns of other shows are any indication, it will probably be the episode where Mitchell was booted over and over again.

 

Until then, however, we still have to slog our way through the rest of this godforsaken wasteland of a season.

 

Day 31. Christa opens the morning by remarking on the previous night's vote against Tijuana. The plans to oust Burton had been placed on hold by Jon's promise to bring Christa and Sandra into the final four. Trusting Jonny Fairplay sounded like a jolly larf to Christa, who now seems to need to replace the batteries in her brain. "I don't know if I can believe him, because I can't believe him," she reveals. Such ingenious logic could only come from this diabolical mastermind. We can't blame her, I suppose; she doesn't seem to be able to receive oxygen through her nose.

 

Sandra courts Darrah, rationalizing the Tijuana vote. "It was part of our deal with Jon," Sandra explains, "that one of you would go before Burton. It didn't matter to us which one. Basically you were lucky to win immunity, otherwise it coulda been you. We didn't really care if it was you or T. But we need your vote now, just like we needed hers." Darrah is polite but noncommittal.

 

 "This mornin' Sandra comes up tuh me an' is tryin' to figger awt what's goin' on, an' ah was all y'know dang ol' Burton's gonna go's what ah'm talkin' bout, an' I figure man dang ol' everbuddy's gonna comin' up tuh me an' ah just gotta sorta figger awt what's goin' on..." I ran this part back and turned on the subtitles, and it translated as "The streets shall flow with the blood of the nonbelievers."

 

 Burton is fishing. This became his role after Rupert's departure, and to the shock and surprise of all parties he filled the role admirably, catching at least one fish and dozens of fish-shaped rocks. Today he catches another stingray, and his skill at spearing a slow-moving eighteen-inch-wide bottom dweller is lauded heavily. He wonders if it is safe to eat this fish, pondering the brightly colored "radioactive" and Mister Yuck-shaped markings, but decides that if they tried to eat a poisonous animal, the producers would surely stop the show to warn them.

 

Lillian is busy frowning, and that leaves only Jon, who goes to get treemail. The treemail says "This will be / a joyous day / Jon's getting kicked off the show / Hip hip hooray." This doesn't sound too good to him, so on the way back to camp he makes up another rhyme about a water challenge and a luxurious reward.

 

 The reward challenge coincidentally turns out to be just that. The challenges have gone from honoring ancient pirate traditions, to honoring ancient Survivor traditions, and now this challenge apparently honors ancient pre-merge challenges, harkening back to the days when every challenge was a water race of some kind. Probst "randomly" splits the tribe into groups of three. The challenge entails... oh, hell, who cares. Jon, Lill, and Darrah win, and with Darrah's efforts we are pleased to learn that buffs do not make reliable tube tops when wet.

 

The three get to spend a day in a luxurious makeshift resort spa. They arrive by plane, though several hours late, as Jon has to be temporarily detained after attempting to set fire to his shoes. Having blown the budget building the hotel, Burnett was left with just seventeen dollars and a helluva nice watch, and the players are forced to share one room. The room is equpped with a mirror. Darrah sees herself and shrieks. Jon flashes himself the thumbs-up sign. Lillian turns to stone. Then they shower, and Jon slicks his shampooed 'fro back into the more fitting Draco Malfoy position. Finally, they are treated to a massage and a Queer Makeover. A masseuse slathers cream over Lillian's face, and then places grapefruit over her eyes. "Will this help my complexion?" Lill asks. "Not at all," he replies. "It's just so I don't have to look at you."

 

 

 At dinner, Jon reveals a *shocking* twist: he is a culinary connoisseur. After Lill orders a stingray and Darrah asks for "grits," Jon waves them away and turns to the waiter, who is wearing absolutely no pieces of flair.

 

 "Garçon. We would like to start with your finest Chateau Menteur, red, vintage 1982. For appetizers, stuffed mushrooms bordelaise, sauteed, with pasta primavera au gratin. For entree, filet mignon, medium rare, scampi shrimp with lemon butter and garlic, fruit salad, and an extra side of fresh foccacia bread."

 

 The waiter gives Jon a polite smile and bows. "Very good sir. Three steaks."

 

Back at Balboa, Christa and Burton decide to have a little chat, and head out to scrape slime off the rocks on the beach. Christa is feeling cocky, knowing that everyone in the tribe is secretly plotting against Burton. Burton is feeling cocky, knowing that everyone in the tribe is secretly plotting against Christa. They both promise each other that they will forsake their secure alliances to make sure both of them are in the final four. Burton gives his word. That word is probably "liaison."

 

Day 32. Jon, Darrah, and Lill enjoy a delicious breakfast of bran muffins and Alpha-Bits before heading home. To ward off the jealousy felt by the three losers in the tribe, Jon brings home a number of items "borrowed" from the hotel, such as bread, pillows, and the keyboard from the WebTV. Then he proceeds to brag about every detail of the reward, including his wild tryst with Darrah after battling the army of invading Martians. After that, the Balboa tribe settles back into its daily routine, with Burton fishing and everyone else picking at their scabs.

 

 That night Burton and Lillian get together for a heart-to-heart. Lillian has noticed Burton wandering off with the other players, and asks him straight up if he is having second thoughts about their F2 pact.

 

Burton stares at the campfire, thinking deeply for several minutes. "Burton?" Lillian urges. "Are you having second thoughts?"

 

Burton spends a few more minutes lost in thought before responding, "No, no thoughts. I'm not having any thoughts."

 

 "Okay," Lillian frowns. At this point we enter yet another new phrase into the Survivor drinking game: "I trust {enter player's name here} completely."

 

Day 33. The producers reach deep into their bag of tricks and pull out yet another shooting challenge. After cannons, blowguns, javelins, and spitballs, the only unused pirate weapon is the blunderbuss. These guns have been modified to shoot road flares, and though they are not able to ignite the targets they hit, an intern runs out each time with a grill lighter to make it appear that they do. This exciting, nail-biting challenge lasts almost three minutes, and it is again Darrah, the recipient of this year's Kelly Wiglesworth Memorial Challenge-Whore Your Useless Lazy Ass Into The Finals Award, who takes home immunity.

 

There is some discussion at camp over who to betray. Lillian's name is brought up. "Naw, we already voted her ahf, we don't need to do it agin," Darrah observes. Burton's name is brought up. "Naw, we already voted him ahf, we don't need to do it agin," Darrah observes. Christa's name is brought up. "Naw, we already voted her off, we don't need to do it agin," Darrah observes. Jon makes the illuminating comment that some of the people playing the game are naive. But only six of them. Christa remarks "Lying is the way to go out here. Everyone has done it. And everyone has done it well." Famous last words.

 

The players file into Tribal Council and Jeff brings in the jury. Ryano appears to be trying very hard not to laugh, so the producers probably filled him in on Jon's little Grandma escapade. Rupert has finally switched shirts, opting for black as a sign that he is still a part of the Rotu alliance. Tijuana can't stop grinning and tilting her head at Darrah, as though she were looking through the window of a maternity ward. Jeffy asks Jon some inane question.

 

"I think this part of the game is the most hope-filled," Fairplay replies. "I hope that I can trust the people I've allied with. I hope that I can outlast them. I hope that I'm carrying the right person with me to the end. I hope that the ocean is as blue as it is in my dreams. I hope."

 

Probst asks Burton another idiotic question. "Yeah, lying is part of the game. Everyone lies. I'm lying right now. This sentence is a lie."

 

"Okay," Jeff continues. "Does everyone trust the relationships they've made in this game?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yeth."

"Yeah."

"My poor grandma."

 

"Okay. Darrah. You have immunity. Would you like to give that immunity away?"

Darrah is asleep.

 

"All righty then. Let's vote."

 

The players vote one by one. Since they are unable to rouse Darrah, Probst votes in her stead, and writes down the name he imagines she would cast a vote for: General Wesley Clark.

 

But Christa is voted out. When the last vote is read, Christa begins to beam, and briskly walks up to the host with her torch, grinning broadly. Her first stint in the jury box won't be for another three days, and Colombia is just a hop, skip, and a jump away.