Let us be perfectly clear: with Colton gone, Tarzan is the clear front-runner (Ha! Tarzan? Running?) for this award going forward. But then again, it's not really clear that he's actually putting on an act, and actually trying to win this thing (although feathers in the hair go a long way, mon frère). Similarly, there's Kat, who got a lot of screen time this week, again without obviously trying to do so. So instead of the backhanded compliment of handing a Trolly Award to either one, why not put the two great tastes together, as in... a merge? Think about it: starting next week, we could actually have a Tarzan-Kat conversation. On screen, preserved for future generations. In HD, no less. This is how, in our dreams at least, we imagine that might go:

Tarzan: Salutations, Christy.
Kat: Huh? I'm Kat. Like the animal, and... spelled the same. I think.

Tarzan: Ah, cogito ergo sum. I am TarZAN. [Tarzan yell.]

Kat: Are you speaking English?

Tarzan: Verily, mea culpa, that was multilingual. And yes, my true fluency is the language of the jungle.

Kat: [Awkward pause] Soooo... uh, what kind of name is Tarzan? Is that, like, Spanish?

Tarzan: Edgar Rice Burroughs was decidedly American, my dear Carolina. Are you unfamiliar with the novel or the cinematic serials?

Kat: Ooh! My favorite cereal is Lucky Charms. I think the horseshoes are the luckiest. I like horses.

Tarzan: You are an equestrian, Candice?

Kat: Um... no, I'm from Florida. And I'm Kat.

 

With any luck, this is but a pale imitation of the magic that could actually happen. They'll have to fill Colton's airtime with something, right? And it's obviously not going to be an intro. Duh.

 

For once, almost every person on the show was heard from this week, even if not in confessionals. Well, okay, maybe not Michael, really, but he was at least shown. Apparently 13 was the lucky number for being able to fit most of the contestants into a single episode.

 

Still, it was another near-invisible week for Chelsea, who at one point looked like a confessional-grabbing Palau Stephenie LaGrossa in the making, but who has since waned in screen time, perhaps falling victim to her own tribe's success? As Salani started winning, we've heard progressively less from Chelsea. She gets reaction shots during challenges (and rewards), and... that's about it. Ah well. Cheer up, Chelsea. If you just start yelling at people, and telling them they don't know how to play the game, your camera time will return. Simple, really. Yes?

 

Who was that leg-masked man, hobbling up the steps? Why was his left leg encased in a gait-crimping blue cloth cast-like wrap for the challenge, then his right leg wrapped in a red bandana the next day? Why would Alicia his friend? Why is he unable to pronounce simple words, like "sycophantic"? And which one is Katrina, again?

 

These are some of the many questions raised by the man who calls himself "TarZAN." But what he answered this week was this: "Who scored 67% of Manono's points in the Survivor: One World's episode 6 reward challenge?" Which, since it was the only challenge, is what passes for a Beasty Award this week. Not to worry, though, Tarzan fans. While he did unmask his mastery of trampolined coconuts, we're confident that his castmates will not now turn around and hold this up as a reason to vote him out. He seems unlikely to repeat, and there's his alliance with Alicia to use instead, anyway.

 

As this appears to be a special bizarro awards ceremony, we'd now like to invert the Slitty award, and instead commemorate the absolutely atrocious strategy Colton displayed in this game. Colton wasn't playing for the traditional third place/zero votes goat slot, oh no, not by a long shot. Instead, he appeared to be determining if it's possible to receive fewer than zero votes from the jury. It's as if he based his entire strategic worldview on Russell Hantz in Samoa, but said: "Two votes is WAY too many. I can do far worse! I'll bet I can underperform even feckless Mick!"

 

 

Don't believe us? Let's elaborate the many, many ways in which Colton's gameplay was the poor man's Samoa Hantz (Rich man-child's Hantz, perhaps?):

 

• Work around camp: Russell was notoriously lazy around camp (and increasingly so with each return appearance). Whereas original strategic mastermind Richard Hatch made himself necessary by keeping his tribe well-fed on a steady diet of fish, Russell preferred to keep himself around by running off into the woods to forage for his personal steady diet of hidden idols. Colton? That's all way too much effort. Better to cry, and have someone just hand you an idol.

 

• Jury management: Russell's Achilles heel was that he delighted so openly in playing idols to boot his ex-Galu competitors, effectively taunting them as they departed. But at least he first attempted to forge alliances, using the idol as leverage. Then, when his (condescending) entreaties to Laura Morett were rebuffed, he got angry and rude, stripping himself of her jury vote. Colton? He just started at the angry and rude part. Juries starting at 12 are pretty common in 18-player seasons: every season from Samoa on has had one. So Christina had a roughly 50-50 shot at being a juror (if, and this is a stretch, production had miraculously created an IC that Manono could win). Why openly taunt and humiliate someone who, if by some miraculous miracle you reach the final three, may have to decide whether to award you a million dollars? The world may never know. We're guessing Colton, like Russell, will never ask himself this question.

 

• Challenge prowess: Part of Russell's thirst for hidden idols was fueled by his mediocre challenge performance. He had little chance of solving puzzles, and was not particularly athletically gifted, although he did perform decently in challenges requiring pure brute strength, or the valuable art of stacking poles. Colton wasn't really around long enough to get a good read on his athletic abilities, but he was far from a standout in any particular category, except perhaps simulated drowning. But where Colton really shone was in denigrating his tribemates during a challenge. Especially while they (Christina) were performing as well or better than he and his alliancemate (Alicia) were. Pissy infighting is always the way to team victories, right? Not unlike a baseball game in which the catcher calls time out, then stalks out to the mound to deck the pitcher for daring to shake off his pitch call. (If this has ever happened, please let it be on YouTube.)

 

In conclusion, while this season will, unsatisfyingly, not give us Colton receiving his hard-earned comeuppance at tribal council, it seems fairly safe to conclude that Colton's so-so record in booting people (only twice booting his intended target in three tries, one of which required giving up immunity to accomplish) and below-terrible social game will easily net him a return appearance on the show. So remember America, the moral is: In reality TV, you don't need even need to pretend you're playing to win; you'll be far better rewarded by just being an asshole.