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  Volume II, No. 7                                  July, 2001
Current issue: Click here.

Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:

Cheney gets heart, Bush next in line for brain
     Surgeons at Bethesda Naval Hospital's special Emerald Care Unit have successfully implanted a pacemaker-like device in the chest of Vice President Richard "Tin Dick" Cheney, effectively giving him "a new heart," or at least a backup system to circumvent the intermittent functioning of his native one.  "I feel like a new man," Cheney beamed at the assembled press corps, dancing a sprightly jig, as sunlight gleamed off his metallic, funnel-shaped hat.
Click here for the full story.		 Michael Jordan returns to Chicago, will replace Sosa
    Ending months of speculation, Michael Jordan officially announced yesterday that he will end his retirement immediately, and will be returning to Chicago, which played host to some of his greatest sports moments.  In an emotional press conference, Jordan confirmed that he has signed a ten-year, $300 million contract to play right field for the Chicago Cubs.  "I just couldn't sit around and watch Deion Sanders be the only two-sport star in baseball who can't hit," admitted Jordan.
Click here for the full story.

Airline ticket sales soar as public clamors for "Skymall" access
    Weary airline travelers have long breathed sighs of relief as they settle into their comfortable coach seats, and bedazzledly thumb through the pages of the in-flight "Skymall" catalog.  Now the popularity of the extremely useful, tastefully arranged publication appears to be luring customers who just want to sample its wares.
Click here for the full story.
 

Fearless Survivor 3 predictions
    It's never too soon to start making fun of America's Favorite Game Show.  Being the immensely clever, well-connected (not to mention humble) people we are, we thought we'd give you a sneak peek at the all-new Survivometer 3.  Here we give you what we know, what we suspect, and what we fear, all in one easy-to-read page.

Introducing... the
Surviwhore-o-meter!
    Yes, we admit that we may have gone just a wee bit overboard in our Survivor 2 coverage last season.  We were young and foolish, and did youthful, foolish things.  To make amends, we offer the brand-spanking new Surviwhore-o-meter, a new competition tracking the propensity of Survivor castmembers to become shameless media whores.  From now through Survivors 3 and 4, we'll keep track of the scores in each of several tasteless categories.  Go Jerri! 

The Trip to D(hell)i
    This month, we indulge our lazy summer impulses with a true-crime story, courtesy of Deathsuite's own wandering scribe, Mark Hansen.  International intrigue!  Royalty unwashed!  Okay, there's not much crime, but it is (mostly) true.  And it is, as near as we can tell, a story.  So come on in, and experience the fear and loathing of an American diving headfirst into the Indian caste culture. Whee!
Click here for the full story.

Jittery Jeff!
    Great.  Cranky Andy disappears, and all we're left with is this copycat Jittery Jeff guy.  The end is near. Click here, anyway.

Animal of the month:

    The dung beetle has an olfactory system exquisitely tuned to the scent of excrement.  This allows it to home in on a huge pile of feces, have a delicious feast, and lay its eggs, all in one aromatic location.  There is no similarity whatsoever between the behavior of the dung beetle and that of the True Dork Times.

Reader mail
    Where the elite meet to put TDT's feet to the proverbial fire.  Visit our newest collection of reader ire.  Flame away!		 The Rant Page
    There's new content on The Rant Page!  Let the huzzahs reverberate throughout the land!  Just in case you haven't been paying attention, this is your arena to sound off about whatever you find irritating.  Our standards are low, and we have space to fill.		 Coming next month:
(unless we come to our senses before then)
- Gaijenna vs. Dobbaru
- The secret Republican obsession with Hollywood
- How to tell nu metal bands apart
- Which engineering geek TV show is right for me?

    Once again, we invite your contributions to Things Which Don't Suck.  This would therefore not include things like the DMV, Fred Durst, or lines at Disneyland, all of which really do suck. 

Link
    ...is the hero of the Zelda games, which we will be more than happy to review, as soon as Nintendo sends us our free Game Boy Advance.  Until then, here's our True Dork Times-endorsed link:
    Jet Jaguar's Crappy Home Page!  Quite possibly the finest paean to time wasting on the internet.  Betcha wish your homepage was this clever.		 E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.