By Fran Kelbaum
True Dork Times Staff Writer
BETHESDA,
Maryland. Surgeons at Bethesda Naval Hospital's special Emerald Care
Unit have successfully implanted a pacemaker-like device in the chest of
Vice President Richard "Tin Dick" Cheney, effectively giving him "a new
heart," or at least a backup system to circumvent the intermittent functioning
of his native one.
"I feel like a new man," Cheney beamed at the assembled press corps, dancing a sprightly jig, as sunlight gleamed off his metallic, funnel-shaped hat. "It was a long, arduous journey getting here, but to finally have a functioning heart, it was all worth it."
Cheney's doctors noted that while Cheney was under anesthesia, they also used some oil to treat some creaking joints he had complained about privately. All procedures went smoothly, and the physicians declared it a successful, routine operation. Cheney was released later in the day, and exited the hospital under his own power.
White House sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, suggest that Cheney's surgery may actually be the first of three high-profile operations scheduled for coming months. Next on the docket is President George W. Bush, allegedly penciled in for a brain implant early next month.
Bush has apparently decided that surgery is the only option remaining, and hopes that, once fitted with a properly-operating cerebral center, sniping from the press that he is a "straw man" will cease. Insiders say he has been spotted frequently in recent weeks singing softly to himself, "If I only had a brain."
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer adamantly denied these rumors at the press conference following Cheney's release. For himself, Bush avoided directly answering reporters' questions on the subject, choosing instead to take the opportunity to mention his own wavering position on stem cell research. "Yes, sir, that's a toughie," he said. "All the scientists support it, and my own friend and Health and Human Services Secretary, Tommy Thompson, thinks it's a good thing. I just don't know..." Staring upward absently, Bush's voice trailed off, as he removed a stray strand of hay that had been protruding from his sleeve, and proceeded to pick his teeth.
The third person in the President's inner circle scheduled to undergo the knife is Secretary of State Colin Powell. Upon recommendation of several doctors, Powell will receive a transdermal "courage" patch. Privately, Powell has joked that "I'm gonna need it when I have to tell the Europeans where to stick their opposition to National Missile Defense, not to mention the Middle East, Macedonia and Northern Ireland problems that we're officially not doing anything about." Purring slightly, Powell corrected himself, "Oh wait, we're back on those fronts this week."
Asked for a response to the turmoil, first daughter Jenna Bush, dressed in pigtails, a smart blue dress, and sparkling ruby-studded shoes, in preparation for an upcoming court appearance, responded simply, "I just want to go home." She went on to mention that she then wanted to go to Kansas, "I hear the Omega Zetas there are having a raging kegger this weekend."