By Addison Grace
True Dork Times Sports Writer

CHICAGO (TDT).  Ending months of speculation, Michael Jordan officially announced yesterday that he will end his retirement immediately, and will be returning to Chicago, which played host to some of his greatest sports moments.  In an emotional press conference, Jordan confirmed that he has signed a ten-year, $300 million contract to play right field for the Chicago Cubs.

"I just couldn't sit around any longer, and watch Deion Sanders be the only two-sport star in baseball who can't hit," admitted Jordan.

Cubs President Andy MacPhail, who singlehandedly brokered the deal, presided ecstatically over the announcement, introducing Jordan with a flourish, and giddily fielding questions afterward.  "We feel we've added a great athlete, and someone who brings marquee star power to our team," MacPhail gushed.

To make room for Jordan on the team's 40-man roster, the Cubs also traded All-Star outfielder Sammy Sosa, ace pitcher Kerry Wood, and former number-one draft pick Corey Patterson to the Los Angeles Dodgers for injured pitcher Darren Dreifort.  "You can never have too much pitching," explained MacPhail.

Local sports radio stations and internet discussion boards were abuzz with activity following the announcement.  The reception was overwhelmingly positive, although a small number of fans voiced disbelief at the move.

Many of those questioned the motives of the team in signing an athlete who not only has not played baseball for over six years, but also whose prior diamond performance - a .220 average with little power at Birmingham, the White Sox' Class AA affiliate in 1994 - left more than a little to be desired.  "Typical Cubs move," lamented long-suffering fan Grant Wilkens of Downer's Grove, Ill.  "They just want popular players to get people through the gate.  I'm surprised they haven't signed Christina Aguilera."

MacPhail vociferously argued against such interpretations, stating "This is not a publicity stunt.  Michael may be a touch rusty, but he is one of the elite athletes on the planet.  And good athletes always make great baseball players.  Michael is worth every penny we're paying him."

In response to criticism that the Cubs were short-changed in their deal with the Dodgers, MacPhail explained "Sammy wasn't stealing enough to justify his enormous salary, and Wood just wasn't winning enough games.  We think we've filled these holes with what we've added today."

"Plus," he continued, "June's over, and we're still in first place by several games.  We think the deals we've made will remedy that.  If not, we're looking into the availability of Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn."