Volume IV, Number 2
June, 2003
Cover
Front page (this issue)
Archives
Contact us
Columns
Things Which Don't Suck
Crappy's Bowl o' Flushing
Survivor crap
S7 spoilers
S7 recaps
Survivometer 7
Survivometer 8

 

FOX flooded with applicants for next edition of American Scapegoat
Producers say North Korea will get yet another shot to make the cut

By M. Eric Anempyre
True Dork Times Global Domination Editor

LOS ANGELES , California (TDT) Drawn to the lure of the international spotlight like moths to a bug zapper, leaders from developing countries are busy auditioning to be the next to reap the instant celebrity of 24-hour news channel coverage. That's right, auditions for the third edition of FOX News' wildly popular reality show, American Scapegoat, are already underway. Early word from the studio is that Iran and Syria look to be strong contenders this time around. But can perennial dark horse Kim Jong-il of North Korea finally woo the judges?

According to series producer Donald Rumsfeld, who has drawn his own share of attention for his acerbic statements while serving as a judge on the show, Kim's star will have another chance to shine this time around. "To be honest, his performance is nowhere near ready for primetime. But I can't deny that a mass-murdering midget prancing around in platform shoes, a bouffant hairdo and olive jumpsuits does make for good TV in the meantime."

 But the question on the minds of AS fans across the country is, "Who will be the next Saddam Hussein?" The portly Iraqi dictator narrowly edged out gangly French president Jacques Chirac for the series' second crown. Although, as critics have noted, that victory may have been fleeting, since much like the series' debut champion, ex-Saudi terrorist spokesman Osama bin Laden, Hussein has largely disappeared from the public consciousness since his hard-fought ascension to the American Scapegoat throne (although it should be noted that bin Laden has made several middling attempts to recapture public attention in the interim).
The American Scapegoat panel of judges, from left: Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld, Condie Rice and Colin Powell
The FOX News network itself has kept a tight lid on its plan for the show's third season, although rumors have circulated that at least one of the judges, third-wheel Colin Powell, may not be returning. Powell himself has denied such stories. Several sources inside the network, however, say that the "talent" pool for the next show is "especially deep," and that there may be a few surprises in store.

One rumored contestant is Iranian president Mohammad Khatami. With his trim beard, spectacles and fiery rhetoric, he seems a lock to charm the "traditional values" sector of the audience. But another intriguing upstart is youthful Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, who insiders say "will click with the kids." And then there's always Kim, who has threatened to starve, torture and imprison even more of his people if he doesn't get America's attention this time. "He has great hair," notes the always-positive judge, Condie Rice.

As for the format of the show, the traditional winnowing of contenders will proceed as in the past, with audience voting being presented as a contributing factor in the expulsion of also-rans. As with both previous shows, however, the ultimate Scapegoat will actually be chosen by Rumsfeld well in advance of the finale, and the producers will draw upon their experience with the Florida voting system to provide the illusion of voter participation.

And the last remaining contestant will again have his or her country bombed into submission by American armed forces, all of course covered by FOX News. "That's my favorite part," chuckles chipper host George W. Bush. "To see these people, who are unknown throughout the country. We put them on TV, and they just blow up, big time. It just warms your heart, doesn't it?"
Back to the True Dork Times