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CDC
warns of curious outbreak of lip-biting disease at White House
Doctors stress there is no known cure, and research was stunted by stem cell ban By Reed Milo
Ipps |
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 ATLANTA,
Georgia (TDT) After being contacted by concerned White House physicians,
the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued an alert yesterday,
describing an apparent outbreak of a potentially devastating neurodegenerative
condition known as labiophagia, or the incessant biting of lips. Both
cases documented thus far have been observed in Presidents, current chief
executive George W. Bush, and his predecessor, Bill Clinton."We are concerned because the manner in which the disease manifests itself," CDC spokesman Dr. Max L. Mandible explained. "As the patient begins to lose innervation to the muscles around the mouth, he or she must struggle to maintain voluntary control, resulting in the grimaces these men have made publicly." Of greatest concern is that, left untreated, the condition can spread to other nerve groups, resulting in aberrant behavior, such as firing cruise missiles with only minor provocation, invading Iraq, and uncontrollable sexual attraction to overweight interns. CDC scientists noted however, that both Presidents appeared to be suffering from the more-benign form of the malady, autolabiophagia (biting one's own lips), as opposed to the more serious form, which involves biting lips in general. "That would be the Mike Tyson strain," explained Dr. Mandible. The scientist went on to lament the irony that research into possible cures for the disease seemed to be poised for a breakthrough until President Bush passed extensive restrictions on embryonic stem cell research last year. While scientists have been unable to identify either a disease-causing pathogen or a means of transmission for the syndrome, Republican spokesmen were quick to blame former President Clinton for the current President's development of symptoms. "All of the problems facing our country today, from terrorism to homelessness to President Bush's problems with drinking in the seventies, are directly attributable to the eight years William Jefferson Clinton spent in power," thundered White House spokesman Ari Fleischer at a press conference yesterday. "If he hadn't left so many of his bodily fluids lying around the Oval Office, we might not be in this mess today. Not that I am at liberty to comment on whether there is a mess, nor that President Bush was ever a drunk-driving alcoholic, of course." Democrats countered that some reports suggest the facial contortions Bush had previously been known for - repeated smirking - may have been early warning signs that the President has contracted the disease. They further charged that since both men had pre-2000 contact with the Office's previous occupant, 41st President George H.W. Bush, perhaps he might have been the original carrier. "After all," noted House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D, Ca.), "the man has no lips. We demand an investigation into what happened to those lips, and where they've been." |
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