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Eek! It's Jittery Jeff's lists o' stuff! | ||||
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Oh great. First we have to humor Cranky Andy by airing his gripes, and
now along comes this Jittery Jeff copycat. Where will it end? On the plus
side, this guy does not seem compelled to list things in groups of ten.;
This is a good thing, because most of the ones he does include aren't
all that funny. Plus it helps avoid pesky lawsuits. Today, be warned! Jittery Jeff has the following lists for you: Top new definitions for the acronym, CEO Top little-known Rhode Island driving laws Top reasons Santa doesn't fly on domestic airlines Things slightly less painful to watch than Carrot Top phone commercials Top rejected True Dork Times mottos Things you're unlikely to hear on the next Iron Chef Problems with listening to NPR all day |
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new definitions for the acronym, CEO 1. Creative Embezzling Organizer 2. Congressional Evasion Overseer 3. Cleans Everyone Out 4. Concocts Equine Offal 5. Criminal Enterprise Operator 6. Caches Everything Offshore 7. Corporate Ethics Overlooker Back to the Top Top little-known Rhode Island driving laws 1. Stop signs are optional. 2. Stop signs are especially optional if the car in front of you stopped. 3. Shoulders are for passing the idiots who slow down for the optional stop signs. 4. Cars making an unprotected left turn in front of oncoming traffic always have the right of way. 5. If such cars are not given the right of way, horns and fingers are a polite reminder of the traffic laws. 6. Police cars, ambulances and fire engines with flashing lights had better get out of the way if you're in a hurry, or they will be reminded of the traffic laws. Top reasons Santa doesn't fly on domestic airlines 1. Weary of overeager stepped-up airport security questions: "So, nice beard... are you a member of the Taliban?" 2. Embarrassingly unable to squeeze all of his jolliness into a single seat. 3. "Sorry sir, we only allow two pets per flight. You'll have to make other arrangements for you six remaining reindeer." 4. Keep getting stuck next to babies who are getting coal this year. 5. Terms of probation prohibit flying until he has completed "air rage" counseling. 6. Stated preference for open-air flights (translation: chronic flatulence). 7. Tired of other passenger's complaints about stopping at every house. 8. Skymall addiction. 9. Sack of gifts will not fit in overhead compartment, unwilling to risk losing luggage by checking at the gate. Things slightly less painful to watch than Carrot Top phone commercials 1. Your leg being gnawed off by a rabid pack of wolverines. 2. Your fingernails being ripped from your hand, one at a time, as your hand sits in a salt-water bath. 3. Your intestines being pulled from your stomach and wrapped around a tree. 4. Your genitalia being pulverized by a meat mallet. 5. Commercials for Corky Romano. Back to the Top Top rejected True Dork Times mottos 1. "Never been slashdotted, never will" - too honest. 2. "Our news may not be true, but you're still a dork" - actually used in first issue. 3. "More bitter and tear-inducing than that other fake news e-zine" - okay, we used this one, too. 4. "All the nudes that fit, we print" - too obvious. Might help with search engines, though. 5. "Slightly more legible than a million monkeys with a million typewriters" 6. "We make USA Today look like the New Yorker" 7. "Happy news: by happy people, for happy people" 8. "We jumped the shark in Issue 1" 9. "What we lack in quality, we make up for in odor." 10. "Why yes, we did appoint ourselves the supreme arbiters of cool, why do you ask?" Back to the Top Things you're unlikely to hear on the next Iron Chef 1. "Chairman Kaga, did you know you're dressed like Michael Jackson?" 2. "Dude, that looks like, totally disgusting!" 3. "And on today's celebrity tasting panel, former U.S. President, George Bush!" 4. "For today's contest, I select Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai" 5. "Today's challenger is an American chef who can't even cook rice... Keith Famie!" 6. "And the challenger has put forth only one dish, an unopened can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli-O's" 7. "Today's theme ingredient is: Count Chocula!" 8. "Today's challenger has achieved fame and fortune working the drive-thru window at a McDonald's in Sioux City, Iowa" 9. "Goddammit, Ota! Stop interrupting me!" Back to the Top Problems with listening to NPR all day 1. Thanks to lack of paid commercials, becoming critically unaware of the latest annoying McDonalds jingle. 2. Urge to gnaw off own leg while being stuck with a full hour of the alleged humor of "Whad'ya Know?" with Michael Feldman. 3. Frequently find yourself humming irritating "Fresh Air" theme, rather than irritating jingles, er "songs," like Smashmouth's "All Star." 4. Waiting 167 hours for the next edition of "This American Life." 5. Urge to move to New England, just to hear more people who sound like the "Car Talk" guys. 6. Endless suspense, unaided by their web site, wondering if Bob Weston, production staff member of Chicago-based "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" is the same Bob Weston who plays bass for Chicago-based Shellac. 7. Lingering suspicion that the Car Talk web site is considerably funnier than this one. 8. Listening to barely-comprehensible British cricket and soccer players trot out endless tired athletic cliches on "BBC World Service" spoils the illusion that American baseball players do it as an homage to Bull Durham. Back to the Top Back to the True Dork Times |
