Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet

Okay, we get it. CBS, despite Jeff Probst’s protestations that Survivor: Redemption Island is, in fact, a “top 5” season, CBS is either too embarrassed or too lazy to make ads for this season. Considering that filming ended over six months ago, and the premiere is less than a week away, the entire broadcast advertising output are the twin atrocities we’ve embedded below (thanks, SPSurvivorVideos!):

Why does this ad suck? So many reasons. First, the only person actually on this show who appears in it is host/executive-producer/Rob-vs-Russell scapegoat Jeff Probst. Plus a host of anonymous Dream Teamers, who, truth be told, probably appeared in Survivor: Nicaragua more frequently than did Yve or Purple Kelly. Sure, it’s nice that Erik Reichenbach gets to be redeemed somewhat by appearing in an ad for a season he’s not in (it would be cooler if CBS paid him royalties for this), but it tells us nothing about the new cast. Sure, they were probably prepared to starve and be rained on incessantly, then keep their experiences under embargo for six months, but weren’t they punished enough already when they discovered Rob and Russell would be stealing all their confessionals? And then they don’t even get to say to their friends and family, “Okay, I’m sorry I made you sit through Two and a Half Men, but look: CBS is advertising the show I was on! There I am!”

And really: “Bungle in the Jungle” as the theme song for the season? Is that really the best spin you can put on the Rob-vs-Russell concept, CBS? (That’s a serious question, it might be). And not even the original, but some (even more) horrible re-recording with the word “bungle” changed to “rumble.” To whom, exactly, is this musical choice supposed to appeal, CBS/SEG? The only people who would recognize the song would be Jethro Tull fans, who are likely in the 40+ age demographic. And yes, based on the applicants to the Sears Online Audition contest, that seems to be a significant chunk of your core fanbase. Who are now probably pissed that you both stole and adulterated a song they liked. Well done!

But that ad was Masterpiece Theatre compared to the stilted delivery, ridiculous concept (Oh! Look! Rob and Russell are jumbo sized now!), and crushing lameness of its successor (thanks again, SPSurvivorVideos):

We’d go into detail here, but in reality, there are no words. So we’ve taken it upon ourselves to try to rescue CBS and SEG from what is clearly a self-inflicted wound. Okay, sure. We know you knew Russell leaked info about Survivors Samoa and Heroes vs. Villains. But why punish the other S22 contestants for that? So we’ve taken it upon ourselves to make our own ad for the show. You know, a decent one.

And by “decent,” we mean: poorly edited due to our lack of skills, lacking in challenge footage that CBS has declined to air, and generally amateur. But we hope the intent shines through: you can make an ad with decent music that shows the new castmembers, even if you have no talent and limited resources. You’re welcome, CBS. (The music is “King of the Beach” by Wavves, which came out on Fat Possum Records during S22 filming).

Since it’s almost been four years since the last post on here, time to dust this place off a bit. *Pfft* Ew, Survivor detritus. Although those french fries hanging out of Shane’s mouth down below still look as fresh as the day they were aired. Okay, so we’re back. You’re welcome, America.

Why would anyone of otherwise plausible sanity resuscitate a long-dormant blog? Well, mainly because we sometimes find it difficult to cram all of our brilliance into twitter’s 140-character limit. One size does not fit all.

But anyway, it appears that it’s already day 10 of filming on Survivor: Nicaragua.  We’re just guessing of course, but we’d like to make one of our patented brilliant suggestions for improving the quality of the show (now, before it’s too late): Needs more vuvuzelas. Actually, that one did fit in twitter’s character limit. But now it’s here, too.

We’re confused at what sort of message CBS was trying to send out with the eleventh episode of Survivor: Panama – Exile Island.

Are we supposed to rooting for The Great Terry, the alleged underdog who is, in reality, coasting through the game, thanks to a spare immunity idol, and a series of individual immunity challenges designed exclusively for a shortish, speedy, strong person to win? Or should our hopes perhaps be pinned on sly Cirie, who, thanks to being built similarly to the average American, has absolutely no chance to win any challenge, ever, apart from the one she actually did win (one episode earlier) that simply rewards being perceived as likeable and non-threatening?

Ha! We were just joking. Obviously, we’re supposed to be rooting for Jeff Probst, who not only has to put up with the contestants and their various odors, but has also been forced to wear the same outfit and repeat lines such as “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” so often that we’d imagine a night with Probst at a restaurant would feature such fascinating banter as, “Colby is already finished with his entree, and is working on his vegetables. Julie’s gonna have to pick up the pace if she wants to see some dessert!” and “Once the tip has been calculated, the decision is final, and the party will be leaving the table immediately. I’ll reveal the tip: One… one… one… that’s three ones… one… one… that’s five ones. I’ll reveal the final piece of paper… fifty. Server, that’s fifty-five dollars. The diner has spoken.”

All the same, don’t go looking for us to buckle under to the heavy-handed editing’s will. Not any time soon, anyway. If we want to root for Shane’s piece of wood, or his Thinking Rock (both of which have had more and better lines than Melinda, Ruth Marie, Bobby and Nick, combined), then that’s what we’ll do, dammit! Besides, we predict the Thinking Rock will outlast every castmember, even the final two. So there. Unless he decides to sell it (or several thousand reasonable facsimiles) on eBay, of course.

Nonetheless, we suppose we should get around to “recapping” the, uh, “action” from this week. It was an episode unlike any other: the Great Terry won immunity. Aras did some yoga. Shane acted crazy (remarkably, this occurred when a camera was present… what are the odds?). Cirie giggled about several things. Courtney got in an argument with someone. And Danielle largely hung around in the background, appearing vaguely grumpy about something or other. Oh, and Terry managed to win both a beachfront feast, AND (just in time for the annual summer gas price hike) an All-American, gas-guzzling vehicle (possibly manufactured in another country). Whew! Who could have predicted such an unlikely series of events?

But don’t get us wrong, there were some novel developments. For instance, since Sally had already been booted, the producers decided to let the contestants have their fishing spear back. Except that the producers decided that a spear wouldn’t fit the symbolism of the ending 15 minutes of the show, so they forced poor Cirie to use an old-fashioned hook, line, and smashed-snail sinker to reel in the catch of the day. (But it’s okay, they helpfully placed a fish on the hook after they got the footage of her squealing about the snail innards). To show her appreciation, Cirie decided to serve her catch with a delicious sand and dirt dry rub. Mmmm.

Our special tonight is a pan-seared, leaf- and twig-encrusted snapper in a mud sauce. Enjoy!

All of this was, of course, a buildup for the climax of the show: Cirie then succeeded at fishing of another kind, somehow managing to pull off one of history’s most extensive vote-rigging schemes, at least in balloting not performed on Diebold machines.

Perhaps she got lucky: past attempts to split votes 3-2-1 have failed, possibly because your average contestant needs to be reassured that three votes is actually enough to win, as long as the other three split their votes: “No really, we don’t need four votes! Here, let me show you this again. Pretend we’re these three leaves. Those two rocks will be the votes against [Contestant X], and this stick will be the vote against [Contestant Y].” “Wait, I thought the stick was [Contestant X]?” “It doesn’t matter! We’ve been through this fifteen times! Oh, fine. Screw it. Just vote me out. I can’t take this any more.” We’re guessing either Aras and Danielle are smarter than the average contestant, or, more likely, Cirie just didn’t bother explaining the math to them.

We regret to inform you that this week’s Survivor: Panama – Exile Island recap suddenly took ill, at the worst time possible (right in the middle of the creative process – which usually involves sitting around, doing other things, and occasionally thinking… hmm, maybe someone ought to write a recap), and was removed from our otherwise complete set of utterly useless approximations of what didn’t really happen on the show.

Don’t worry, after a few days (Has it been seven already? Yikes!) of observation in intensive care, we’re pretty sure the recap will make it through, although it’s likely to be in the form of what you see here. Which, when you think about it, is a damn sight closer to an actual recap than we usually provide.

You’re welcome!

Coming up next week: Science reveals that one of the four accepted dimensions is, in fact, a figment of our imaginations. Stop by as we reveal which one! (Hint: If you’re invested in Z-axis stocks, this might be a good time to re-evaluate your portfolio).

Answer: Not any time soon, since Duke Cunningham (R-MZM) has, even while incarcerated, seemingly found a way to shove that basketball-loving university’s lacrosse team off the ticker.

Oh, Duke. Duke, Duke, Duke.

We didn’t complain when you supplanted Patrick Kennedy as the most embarrassing Congressman who’s ever represented us in Washington.

But did you have to go sullying the good name of the Watergate Hotel with your tawdry antics? For shame!

In lieu of writing a full recap for the ninth non-clipshow episode of Survivor: Panama – Exile Island, we instead offer you “A Closer Look” (with pictures!) at what really happened in (part of) the Immunity Challenge. Because (1) nobody’s going to read this, anyway, and (2) even fewer people than that are going to read it, because it aired almost a full week ago. With that in mind, we join the show, already in progress.

Maitre d’ Jeff Probst: Good afternoon, non-participating Casaya members! And how are we today? I feel I should warn you: while you’re free to eat all the burgers, fries and Coke you can stuff down…
Casayas: [muffled sounds of eating]

Probst: Wait! I said, there’s a twist! And it is: while you eat, you’ll have to sit there while I regale you with endless stories about the brilliance of the Exile Island twist, along with that delectable immunity hidden idol. How’s that sound?
Shane: Better…
Probst: Better?
Shane: Better get a bucket, Probst. Oh, and about a case or two of Marlboros. That was part of the deal for sitting this out, right?

Probst (after disappearing briefly): I’m sorry sir, I’ve checked back in the kitchen, and it appears we’ve just run out of Marlboros.
Shane: Oh well, fuck it then. I guess I might be able to get something if I smoke these fries.

Probst: As you wish, sir. Now, can I please get your opinions of Exile Island, and the hidden immunity idol? Please talk as long as you can, because we’ll probably need to edit your quotes into several episodes when the show airs, so that we can manufacture some suspense into painfully dull episodes like this one.
Cirie: Can’t talk… eating.

Probst: Anyone? Anyone? Silent Bruce? Sideshow Courtney? No? How about you, Danielle? You’ve been nothing if not chatty since you hit the beach!
Danielle: [Looks away, pulls cap lower, keeps eating].

Probst: Okay, then. I’ll just give you my opinion, which is of course the most important one. Perhaps you’ll enjoy commenting afterwards. Seriously, I think this is the best twist we’ve ever come up with, at least since “All-Stars.” And like that one, this one lets us film again in Panama. Isn’t that great? Plus, even though we’ve done individual exile on another island and finding hidden idols on other editions of the show, we’ve never done them together! Aren’t we brilliant and creative? And it’s worked out far better than that twin swap we tried in Guatemala, but had to edit out when Stephenie sleep-ate Ramie Newton after we let her take some Ambien!
Casayas: [Munching and gulping sounds, scuffles ensue as they reach for more food].

[Note: This actually dragged on for several hours, as Terry, Aras and Sally had to go back into the water repeatedly after failing to correctly assemble their puzzles. Eventually, all the Casayas except Shane pushed themselves away from the table. Still hungry, but unable to endure another second of Probst's self-congratulatory monologue. In the end, only Shane remained, still stuffing his face. The other Casayas were huddled on the sand, desperately trying to block the sound from entering their ears. Bruce rocked back and forth on the beach, seemingly catatonic. But Probst continued on, oblivious].

Probst: …and the best part is, the way it’s changed the game! Used to be, one tribe would dominate at the merge, and they’d pick off the minority tribe, until the annoying people on their own tribe pissed them off too much. Now it’s different!
Shane: [interrupting] Come on Probst, nobody believes that! I mean, even those idiot internet spoilers can probably figure out the boot this episode: if Sally wins here, it’s Terry. If Terry wins here, which he will, it’s Sally. Duh! Oh, and we’re out of burgers. Fire me up some more, will ya? But please, no more of your jibber-jabber.

Probst: Very well. Your burger sir. But please, allow me to give you one more, wafer-thin insight into our brilliant manipulation of the game with this twist.
Shane: Look – I couldn’t hear another thing. I’m absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.

Probst: Oh sir, just… just one…
Shane: Oh all right. Just one.
Probst: Just the one, sir… voila… bon appetit… Have I mentioned how people have complained to me that this twist has changed the game too much?
Shane: [Explodes]

Disclaimer: We regret to inform you that no contestants or hosts of Survivor were actually injured in the filming of this episode, although multiple brain cells were almost certainly damaged in the writing and reading of this recap. Stay in school, kids!

Speaking of things that just have to be said…

There’s something wrong with the world when you can download an entire season of That’s So Fucking Raven from the iTunes Music Store, yet there is not a single song by Drive Like Jehu available.

Drive Like Jehu and Yank Crime were two of the most important rock albums of the entire 1990s. They should not be forgotten, and whether it’s an oversight, or a creative/money dispute, there is a kid somewhere, faithfully paying up while trying to expand his/her iPod’s musical horizons. That kid won’t know that s/he’s missing something major, because it’s not there for the downloading.

Oh well, at least you can still find the hard copies at Insound and Amazon.

(And while we’re lecturing like a wheezingly boring, crusty old punk, why the hell is Slint’s Tweez on iTMS, and not Spiderland or the Slint EP? Just asking…).

Dammit!

(It doesn’t matter that you know what we’re talking about, it just matters that we say it).

Was there another episode of Survivor last week? Oops, silly us, we must have been expecting another three-week layoff again. Since CBS is trying desperately to use dog-whistle advertising (“Watch Terry battle the Others! Only on CBS!”) to coax unsuspecting Lost viewers into watching Survivor: Panama – Exile Island, we assumed they had just switched over to the typical Lost scheduling practice of one new episode per month.

So, let’s go review what the DVR saved for us here. Okay… there’s Austin, talking about how he’s going to be the next out, and everyone on Casaya hushedly plotting to make it so. All right, let’s fast forward a bit… challenge… food… rain… another challenge… Terry wins immunity yet again… tribal council. Right, here’s Probst with the votes. They’re voting for Aras over Shane? Okay, whatever. Crazy La Minas. And, Austin is voted out. Ho hum. Are you sure you want to delete? Hmm… yes!

Hold on, we’re now getting word that there may have been more to the episode than we got out of our four-minute survey. Something about Terry offering the hidden immunity idol to people, who apparently laughed in his face and voted for Austin, anyway. Didn’t the last episode pretty much establish that Terry made a great career move when he chose being a pilot over sales? Oh, right. That must be what the episode title, “The Power of the Idol,” was all about. We had just assumed that CBS was raising the white flag in their battle with FOX for the under-25 demographic.

Then again, what was the power of the idol, exactly? Let us count its many apparent powers:

(1) CBS had a shiny new sales pitch for Jeff Probst to deliver, pre-show. Come see our exciting new concept, Exile Island! Never before used, except in Palau! And there’s a hidden immunity idol! Somebody will find it and never use it! But we’ll keep sending people back to super-exciting Exile Island! Look, shivering, starving people! Isn’t this great! It sure is! Hey, let’s drop the word “Panama” from the series title, and name it after this, instead!

Except, of course, that the whole “scenes from Exile Island” concept has pretty much turned into an afterthought ever since Terry found the idol. Much like the tailies on Lost, once they reached the other castaways’ camp. Hey look! New castaways! Aren’t they great? Okay, let’s not show them any more.

(2) The idol does give CBS an exciting new twist to use in hyping otherwise entirely suspense-free episodes such as this one. Before, the ad producers had to resort to lame, transparently bogus teases like “Tune in this week, as Terry tries to convince the Casayas to switch to his side!” Now they can use new-and-improved mantra of “Tune in this week, as Terry tries to use the hidden idol to convince the Casayas to switch to his side!” You can see how your life has been dramatically changed for the better because of this.

(3) And best of all, it allows the editing of the actual episodes to create suspense where there really isn’t any (as Austin even admitted in his post-boot interviews). Will Aras make it through tribal council, or get done in by the hidden idol? Oh.My.God! Bruce is voting for someone whose name starts with an “A”! Of course, as spoilerphobic fans have complained repeatedly, way back in the post-Ep6 preview CBS showed Aras and Terry competing in a challenge that has yet to be seen, which sort of ruined the attempted suspense. Not that we’re complaining, CBS! We’re spoilerphiles, we swear! Bring it on!

So anyway, yeah, unless there is some sort of voodoo rainmaking prowess associated with the hidden idol that we’re not aware of, we remain a bit less than impressed with its alleged powers. The potential for mucking up the game does count for something we’ll admit, and it sure as hell does make the show more watchable than the multihour chalkboard/fingernails experience that’s propping up FOX’s ratings at the moment.

Then again, the same can be said for almost any show, in theory. Eh, screw it. Maybe we’ll just start watching ESPN2′s Viking: The Ultimate Obstacle Course Challenge full-time instead. There really isn’t much that can beat a seemingly endless series of chipper, determined, occasionally amusingly-dressed, athletic Japanese people bouncing off incredibly difficult moving hazards, and one-by-one having their dreams of success extinguished as they splash into the chilly water below. Maybe Survivor should just encourage their contestants to wear tutus for challenges. Survivor 13: Wacky Costume Challenge? We’d probably watch that. Once, at least.

Survivor: Panama – Exile Island returned to the air after a three-week benching this week. Or, perhaps more accurately, last week. This was, of course, news to the people who run the show’s official CBS site, who seemed convinced, up until the day of the show, that the next episode would be a special recap/clip show, scheduled to air two weeks in the past.

Long calendrical gaps with no new content are common with scripted shows like Lost (although not with scripted shows that are intelligently scheduled, such as 24). But for some reason, this is uncommon for reality shows. One reason, in Lost‘s case, is that the show is sufficiently well-written (most of the time), that the wait actually builds suspense for a new hour-long episode, which when aired, toys with your now-entrenched preconceptions of the narrative’s direction (not so much in Season 2 of Lost, but hey, it happens occasionally). With a reality show, a nearly month-long break generally means one season has ended and another, almost identical to the last, with only the castmembers altered, is starting up. Or in Survivor‘s case, you may just wish that.

So anyway, Survivor did come back, and if you were re-evaluating your commitment to seeing the Panama – Exile Island season all the way through, well… let’s just say this particular episode should have nudged you in one direction or the other. When last seen, the show was promising Helicopters! Boats! Life-and-death removal of contestants on stretchers! What it delivered was… a bunch of people sitting around, united-yet-divided, and occasionally arguing with each other. Although there was some variety, as they also ate, slept, and decided to (very briefly, for the most part) hang from a bar. Try scripting that, J.J. Abrams!

Apart from that, the main event seemed to be naming the new tribe. Terry, demonstrating the gift for thoughtful, democratic leadership he’s displayed thus far, ignored everyone’s suggestions, and named the new tribe La Masaya, which combined the two former tribe names, La Mina and Casaya. It was also, he claimed, Spanish for “the Messiah,” because he felt the tribe needed to be named after himself, and he thought “The Terry-tory” might be seen as a bit too punny. He then ordered Silent Bruce to get to work painting his portrait for the multiple flags they would hang around camp, celebrating the many hours of the Great Terry’s benevolent reign.

Shortly thereafter, the former Casaya members got together and counted on Shane’s fingers, to prove to themselves that they actually outnumbered Terry. A bloody revolt followed, in which Silent Bruce was brutally attacked with a machete by hostile La Mina security forces. But the heroic Casaya revolutionaries eventually seized prevailed, and in short order re-christened the tribe “Chaboga Mogo.” From atop his Thinking Rock perch, Shane announced the new political order to thunderous applause, promising to bring order, prosperity, and much-needed rains to feed the tribe’s parched coca crops in time for the fall harvest. He also pledged to rid the tribe of all the “fat chicks” from the former La Mina Ruling Party.

Camp life was thrown for a loop, however, when a blue-ribbon census commission revealed there were, in fact, no portly La Mina women to remove. Also, the producers objected to the name “Chaboga Mogo,” saying it was both “the stupidest name we’ve ever heard of,” and “bad karma, man.” Which was somewhat surprising, as the producers had not objected to the Great Terry’s proclamation that the women of the tribe, particularly Sally, Courtney and Danielle, were to be seen, and not heard.

Eventually, the tribe decided the only sane thing to do was to name themselves after a moderately popular brand of ’80s designer jeans. The CBS legal team was immediately brought in, over concerns about potential copyright infringement for buff sales at the CBS store, but eventually an opinion was issued, concluding forthwith that: I. Nobody remembered the name; II. Nobody was likely to buy any buffs if they looked like a crappier version of the last merged buff from a regular series filmed in the Pearl Islands; III. Obsolete companies never sue over that sort of thing; and IV. Demand for buffs could further be diminished by inserting a three-week gap into the airing of this series, and editing this and all future episodes into boring snoozefests. Or by putting an ‘s’ at the end of the tribe name. One of the two.

Satisfied with this opinion, the producers gave the contestants the green light to go ahead and get back to whatever it was they were doing, which turned out to be sitting around. Terry passed the time by cleverly trying to trick the Casayas into making him their Lord and Master again, with masterful entreaties such as, “Come on, I’ll let you polish my throne,” and “I promise not to execute you immediately after assuming power.” But sadly, the Casayas were deaf to Terry’s pleas, sated as they were with their dreams of middling ’80s designer jean success.

And so they proceeded to hand an immunity victory to Terry, then wander off to vote out some previously unseen guy named Nick, who was apparently planted by CBS at some point during the episode, enabling such welcome, unseen developments such as the saving of Sally, and enabling Terry to keep his secret Exile Island immunity idol stashed away for yet another week. In short, if you loved the results of this week’s episode, you’re sure to enjoy next week’s, as well. Possibly with fewer slo-mo replays of unseen, off-camera machete injuries.