We
know, we
know. You don't have the time to read newspapers, or listen to NPR,
or watch legitimate TV news. Fine. As a public service to those of you
getting your learnin' from The Daily Show, we present our very
own News Briefs for Young Adults. Don't bother double-checking the facts
or anything, we're pretty sure they're accurate. Mostly. We'll try to
keep it brief, so you can get back to Adult Swim.
 NASA
sends Spirit and Opportunity rovers to explore Mars
PASADENA,
California (TDT) NASA scientists are celebrating
the successful arrival of robotic rovers
on the surface of Mars. Mars is the next
planet in the Solar System most
likely to support Earth-like life. There
are nine planets in total, all of which
orbit around the Solar System's most massive
object, Donald Trump's head (see map at
right).
The twin rovers, Spirit and Opportunity,
landed on opposite sides of Mars. They
are equipped with high-tech scientific
equipment, and will communicate their findings
back to JPL scientists in Pasadena. Their
missions: to boldly go where no man has
gone before. Okay, that and to explore
the planet's rocky surface for signs of
water.
The first
rover to detect water and return to its
landing module gets to run one of Trump's
companies for a year, and will be rewarded
handsomely with a six-figure salary. Spirit was
given a three-week head start, because
Trump thought its legs
looked
more sexy. |
 Britney
facing obsolescence: what will she do next?
LOS
ANGELES,
California (TDT) Britney Spears' grasp on cultural ubiquity has
taken a sudden downward turn, as socialite/reality TV-/sex tape-star
Paris Hilton has taken the lead in the Yahoo! Buzz of
most-searched celebrities. This despite Britney's makeout session
with Madonna,
recent album, and one-day marriage that wasn't. What will
she do next to force the world to notice her?
"I dunno, date Ashton Kutcher?" Ms. Spears herself may have told
the True Dork Times. We think she's on the right track, but she
picked the wrong guy. Two words, Britney: Rick Solomon. Sorry
we had to break it to you. |
 Democrats
locked in a tight battle for nomination
DES
MOINES, Iowa (TDT) The unpredictable nature of the Iowa caucuses
has breathed new life into the campaigns of multiple candidates
for the Democratic Presidential nomination. There are a range
of personalities running this year, ranging from the angry
white guy to the stereotypical angry African-American guy,
the boring rich guy, the farmer, the religious guy,
the military guy, and the young guy from the South. Through
a whirlwind series of challenges and votes in coming months,
rife with
insider
deals
and back-stabbing,
the massive field will be winnowed to produce a single candidate.
If recent history is any measure, the winner will likely be
the contestant who is the quietest, least threatening, most
lacking in ideas,
and willing to do whatever the party's corporate sponsors ask,
if elected. Television producer Mark Burnett is filming the
process, which he will edit into a 13-episode reality TV show.
Scheduled to air in early 2005 on the CBS network, the show
is tentatively titled Survivor 10: The Democratic Primary. |
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