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Bush
team bending over to woo gay voters
Presidential convention 'freedom' kiss among many events planned to attract money, ballots By Homer Ottick True Dork Times Alternative Lifestyles Editor |
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According to sources deep within the Republican National Committee, the administration will "swing for the fences" in their attempt to ingratiate themselves with the gay community by having President Bush give Vice President Cheney an open-mouthed kiss at the conclusion of the late summer's 2004 Republican National Convention in New York. The event will be well-choreographed, accompanied by an avalanche of rainbow-festooned balloons, and a festive rendition of "It's Raining Men." Inside sources say Bush and Cheney have already been practicing the act "for months now," in an undisclosed location. "This is going to work on so many levels," a GOP pollster assured the True Dork Times. The kiss will no doubt bring to mind last years Britney Spears-Madonna tongueplay at the MTV Video Music Awards ceremony, which may serve the additional purpose of attracting young voters to the GOP ticket. Also, according to internal campaign polling, "Gay voters appear to love Madonna, and they they think Britney is 'fabulous' as well. As it turns out, our polls suggest they also like to see men kissing each other." Still, the planting of a "freedom kiss" on the Vice President is not the only trick Karl Rove's team have up their exquisitely appointed sleeves. According to an internal memo, a copy of which was provided to the True Dork Times, the administration plans to "build slowly to this, gradually pushing it more and more into the agenda, until finally blowing up at the climax of the Convention." This plan to gradually bring the Republican platform toward the center on the gay issue is apparently intended to avoid immediately putting off the party's core constituency, many of whom might otherwise be tempted to leap upon the stage and beat the President about the head with clubs for kissing another man. "It's a balancing act," admitted one campaign strategist, who noted that security is likely to be tight that night anyway, given the convention's location and timing, and the President's almost-certain references to terrorism, and how he single-handedly wiped it from the face of the globe. Other events planned to lay the foundation for the convention kiss are said to include occasionally substituting a rainbow flag lapel pin for Mr. Bush's de riguer American flag, and secretly encouraging Congress to pass a ban on same-sex marriages, to be followed by a very public veto of the same legislation. Finally, in an appearance scheduled to coincide with May Sweeps, the President will receive a special campaign appearance-themed makeover by the Fab Five from Queer Eye. |
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