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 ADVICE
Ask Seth! Your one-stop Amish solutions supercenter for all the problems plaguing you. |
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| Editor's note: The True Dork Times knows you have difficulty navigating this crazy world of ours. Boy, do you ever! So we're here to lend a helping hand. We've gone back to our old friend, Seth Barrows, well-renowned among his large Amish community in rural Pennsylvania for his Solomon-like wisdom. If you want to ask him anything, anything at all, just e-mail him at: truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com. And keep it brief: he can get testy if he has to read more than a few sentences. | |||||
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Dear Seth, Thanks to the stock market, I need money - fast. I'd like to start my own sales business. I won't be sampling any of the products myself, so is it okay to sell drugs to people already addicted? They have to buy it from someone, after all. Which do you think has the best potential for future growth: cocaine, heroin, or oxycontin? - Drugstore Cowboy, Plano, TX Seth sez, Fool! Hast thou forgotten the exhortations of the Book of Verses? That a camel couldst more easily walketh through the eye of a needle than a rich man entereth the gates of heaven? And although thou defileth not thine own body, thou wouldst visit a horrendous plague upon the bodies of others. Verily, thou art tearing down the very temple of the Lord himself! Surely, fire and brimstone shalt rain down upon thine soul for all eternity. Of course, if you're going to do it anyway, go with the blow. With the rise of the Bushes and the return of 80's retro chic, it's poised to make a huge comeback. Dear Seth, Recently, I was put under investigation for insider trading. As a former stockbroker, it may be difficult to act innocent about it, but since I'm a beloved celebrity and CEO of a billion-dollar home decorating empire, I'm pretty sure I'll get off eventually. How can I get out of this smelling like a freshly-picked home-grown English rose? - "Startha Mewart," the Hamptons, NY Seth sez,
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