WASHINGTON,
D.C. (TDT) In a sparsely-covered press conference, Imsori Foundation
President Theodore Kaczynski, Ph.D., yesterday lauded the progress
of the top five teams competing for the group's prestigious Xed-Out
Prize. Kaczynski feels one of the teams (listed below) will likely
be the first to complete the Imsori Foundation's mission of returning
the Earth to the Dark Ages for a second time.
Kaczysnki appeared especially taken with the efforts of Team Fatwa,
largely composed of Islamic extremists. "They've been making
quite a bang recently," Kaczynski chuckled, and pointed to
the resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan and the prospect of a "democratically
elected" Shia-controlled nation of Iraq as particular strengths
in the Fatwa team's efforts.
But he refused to count out a feisty American contingent, Team
Rapture, who appear to be Fatwa's strongest competitors. "They're
just as dedicated, and they've been making huge inroads into both
the American media and the U.S. government. Especially the courts." But
outside observers note residual hostility to the group's goals
within the country's citizenry, and feel this handicaps their likelihood
of success. They also appear to lack a substantial international
presence, which may hamper their chances, especially against fellow
competitors with an American foothold, such as Team Indulgences-R-Us
and Team We Own the World.
Ranked far down in the competition by experts, and by Kaczynski,
was the heavy underdog Team Terra! Terra! Terra!, headed by frequent
media-seeker Ralph Nader. In response to assertions that his loosely-knit
collective of special interest groups appeared to lack the cohesion
necessary to turn back a millenium of technological progress, Nader
was adamant that his group would be competitive.
"Hey, we hate physics, engineering, biology, and logical thought
just as much as those other guys!" Nader alleged.
"I mean, come on, what have computers done for us lately?
And we're pretty sure GM food, nanotechnology, and possibly stem
cells are all going to destroy the planet. Maybe we don't understand
any of these topics in any meaningful way, but as long as we can
convince impressionable high school and college students that celebrities
think these things are bad, we're halfway there."
So without further ado, we present you with the leading contenders
for the Imsori Xed-Out Prize. Should one of them actually succeed,
you probably won't be able to read this (unless you printed it
out ahead of time). But by then, you probably won't care. So, pull
up a roughly-hewn log or stump, and Celebrate the New Dark Age
with us!
Xed-Out
Prize Leaderboard |
Team, Leader |
Bio |
Strengths |
Weaknesses |
Overall Score |
Team
Fatwa
 |
Leader: Ayatollah
Ali Khamenei.
Affiliation: Islamic fundamentalists.
Favorite historical period:
Reign of Saladin. |
- Pissed
off about pretty much every social advance since the 1500s.
- Hate women, Western philosophy, music, Garfield.
- Handy with bombs. |
- Didn't
come out too well during first Dark Ages.
- Not exactly the stealthiest team. |
Current
progress
Overall chances
|
Team
Rapture
 |
Leader: James
Dobson.
Affiliation: Evangelical Christian conservatives.
Favorite historical period:
The Great Flood, Crusades, Tammany Hall. |
- Watch
out sodomites, feminists, evolutionists and liberals, lest
we smite thee!
- Currently controlling U.S. government. Or at least they
think they are. |
- Actual
Dark Ages might cut into talk radio hosts' and televangelists'
profits.
- Low morale: some team members hoping to get Taken Away
before contest ends. |
Current
progress
Overall chances
|
Team
Indulgences-R-Us
 |
Leader: Pope
Benedict XVI.
Affiliation: Holy Roman Catholic Church.
Favorite historical period:
Spanish Inquisition, original Dark Ages. |
- None
too fond of stem cells.
- Starting to think evolution is not such a good idea,
either.
- Repent, it's Harry
Potter!
- Massive global reach. |
- Shockingly
forward-thinking positions on war, poverty and capital
punishment unlikely to score many points with the judges. |
Current
progress
Overall chances
|
Team
We Own the World
 |
Leader: Former
Enron CEO Ken Lay
Affiliation: Multi-national corporations.
Favorite historical period:
Feudal Europe, Gilded Age. |
- They
have all (or most) of the money. And it can be spent as
they see fit.
- Thanks to military outsourcing, also (can) have the weapons. |
- Seem
to enjoy various technology-based toys, not to mention
impotence and baldness cures. Are they really committed
to the cause of regress? |
Current
progress
Overall chances
|
Team
Terra! Terra! Terra!
 |
Leader: Ralph
Nader
Affiliation(s): PETA, Greenpeace, eco
extremist groups.
Favorite historical period:
Agrarian Mesopotamia. |
- Oppose
pretty much all advances in biological sciences, nuclear
power.
- With a good fairy tale, could be talked into hating many
other forms of tech. |
- Followers
may not be aware they're in the competition.
- Could easily become confused and directionless if celebrities
were rounded up and imprisoned. |
Current
progress
Overall chances
|
|