By Rich N. Faymiss
True Dork Times Economics Editor

NEW YORK, New York (TDT)  Major economic indicators point to spectacular economic growth in the last month, as consumers and stock market investors alike have banded together to build a booming "New New Economy" in the United States, based solely on the manufacture and purchase of American flags, and, to a lesser extent, red-white-and-blue ribbons.

As President Bush himself has said, "the world has changed."  And nowhere is this more true than in the turbulent world of American business, as weary investors have cast off the shackles of failed dot-coms and never-profitable biotech companies for the sheer ecstatic glory of flag-making and flag-waving.  The surest sign that an industry has entered the public consciousness and is poised for success is when its product is everywhere you look, and for flagmakers, that time is now.

All over America, corporate interests are beginning to take note.  Walmart stores announced yesterday that they would immediately drop the home entertainment sections from all of their stores, which company brass had long murmured privately were "dens of iniquity," where sinners of all stripes purchased heathen music CDs and video games.  Replacing these sales areas would be an enormous in-store "Flag Boutique," where lucky patrons can purchase flags, more flags, and flag-related accessories.  A company spokesman told the press, "An American can never have too many flags.  We urge all good citizens to buy at least ten."

Across the country, regular people appear to be taking heed as well.  Pickups and sport-utility vehicles at construction sites today are not complete without at least two flags.  Industry analysts, noting the near-universal conformity of U.S. neighborhoods, predict that the tipping point at which every street will have more than 75% of houses bearing flags should occur any day now, and that after that, flag-free abodes will instantly acquire social pariah status.  "Any house not proudly waving the Stars and Stripes by Halloween is asking for trouble, and we're not talking about a few mere tricks," noted Steve Austin of Heraldry Sales Monthly.

Even in the world of Canadian sports, being seen with a U.S. flag is seen as a necessity.  Every night, close to 2,000 people in Montreal turn out to see their beloved Expos baseball team proudly wearing hats and uniforms bearing the American emblem.  Team owner Jeffrey Loria told jubilant team supporters, "Here in Montreal, everyone loves being seen as a smaller, colder, non-English-speaking extension of the United States."

All of this means banner sales for flag manufacturers.  And the resulting surge in profits has produced a massive upswing on Wall Street, as several flag makers have reaped huge rewards for their patriotism with spectacular initial public offers of stock.  Ohio-based American Stars and Stripes (Nasdaq symbol: ASS) CEO Samuel Stripes says that the cash influx has allowed his company to expand rapidly, hiring on several thousand former dot-com employees and laid-off airline workers.  "Of course, we'll probably have to fire them again soon, since we're going multinational, and plan to use Mexican maquiladora workers for most of the manual labor.  But things are looking good."

Ribbon makers are experiencing a similar boom.  No longer dependent on celebrities attending awards shows for business, this industry has seen a massive increase in orders, especially for tricolor red, white and blue accessories.  "With elections coming, we're seeing a lot of requests from politicians, demanding that they have bigger, fancier, more impressive ribbons than their opponent," explained Tim Cruikshank, sales manager at a Kansas City Ribbons-'R'-Us warehouse superstore.  "Because everybody knows, the bigger the ribbon, the bigger the patriot."

On the stock market, these rosy fortunes have led many insiders to dub the patriotic financial groundswell the "New New Economy."  Tom and David Gardner, hosts of the Motley Fool radio show and web site, are justifiably giddy about the prospects of these companies.  "It's a completely new paradigm, and the old rules no longer apply," concludes David Gardner.  "These companies are going to be around forever, so put in as much money as you can.  There's no way this could ever get old the way the tech sector did."

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