By Herm Unculus
True Dork Times Qwyjibo Editor

EUREKA, California (TDT)  They told their investors they could clone Bigfoot, but so far, all Eureka-based biotech firm Cryptozoo has produced is two goats and a bear.  Still, company founder and CEO Donald Key-Hotay remains committed to the firm's corporate vision.  "I'm not sure how our authentic Bigfoot hair samples got contaminated like this, but we're not quitting now," Key-Hotay vowed.

Cryptozoo's story stretches back several years.  Founded in northern California in the mid-1990s, the company's original concept was to use recombinant DNA technology to clone cryptozoological (skeptics would say "imaginary") species, using "authentic" tissue samples, found by intrepid believers, as their source material.  This would result in a long and arduous process of finding genetic material unique to "creatures" such as Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster, then creating patchwork, "hybrid" organisms containing this genetic material.

"But the advent of tissue culture-based cloning techniques opened up a whole new world to us," Key-Hotay explained, nodding convincedly.  "Now, all we need is one intact cell that we can grow, and then we can extract the nucleus, and create an entire embryo derived from that one cell."  These embryos are implanted in suitable surrogate mothers (Project Sasquatch uses gorillas), and allowed to develop to term.

All of this seems fairly straightforward scientifically, and mimics techniques commonly used to produce many other species of genetically identical animals, such as mice, cows and sheep.  But Cryptozoo, while experiencing the empirically expected loss of implanted embryos due to natural developmental attrition, has had some significant surprises in its viable offspring.  Instead of large, hairy primate-like babies, Cryptozoo has been producing, well, two goats and one bear.

"Those were some fairly uncomfortable pregnancies, I can assure you," Key-Hotay admitted.  But the mystery of how Sasquatch hair and skin samples, deemed "authentic" by experts in the cryptozoology field, has produced such bizarre newborns, has perplexed lab workers.  Yeti researchers in the Himalayas and Australian Yowie hunters are similarly at a loss to explain the results.

"Our best guess, is that, like all of OJ's DNA samples, somehow our legitimate Bigfoot tissues got contaminated with these, well, common species," Key-Hotay asserted.  "Either this occurred by accident, or," he said, pausing for dramatic effect, "they were sabotaged."

Key-Hotay's charges of malicious intent by unnamed ill-wishers may seem somewhat spurious ("Oh, there are a lot of people who don't want this project to work,," he swears, although he seems unable to name anyone in particular), but he vows that his company will press on in their quest, regardless of the obstacles.  "Cloning Bigfoot is just a matter of time," Key-Hotay says, grinning broadly.  "And once we achieve that, who'll be laughing then, eh? Answer me that!"

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