HOLLYWOOD,
California (TDT) Four years into America's seemingly incurable addiction
to reality TV, the viewing public is still flocking in inexpicable
numbers to Mark
Burnett
over-produced
fare (such as the top ten-squatting shows Survivor: All-Stars and The
Apprentice)
like moths to the bug zapper. At least if you ignore such offerings
as The Restaurant and Boarding House: North Shore,
as did most of America. But still, Burnett apparently has enough clout
to stick the peacock network with a multimillion-dollar oversight fee
for The
Contender, so somebody must think
this stuff is gold. These may be the same people who see fit to keep
tossing money Rob Schneider's way, it's hard to tell, what with the
lack of financing-disclosure laws and all. Nonetheless, this begs the
question: if you were forced, say by terrorists, or something,
to
watch just
one
of these
soaps-that-we-swear-aren't-scripted,
which should it be? Well, luckily for you, we can help you with that.
We put the shows through their paces, and picked winners in various
categories of watchability. Read on.
| Category |
Survivor |
The
Apprentice |
The
edge goes to... |
| Concept |
You
know the drill: 16 (or 18) contestants, allegedly strangers,
stranded, with only handouts from the show upon which to survive
for 39 days. Contestants voted out by their peers, allegedly
without producer interference, which was originally interesting
from a social dynamics perspective. Alliances and booting-the-strong
make the late stages increasingly tedious
with each passing season. |
In
a dramatic departure, 16 contestants, initially separated into
two tribes, er, "corporations." Donald Trump boots, er, "fires"
people each week, following his (and Mark Burnett's) whims. Unlike
Survivor, success actually gets rewarded here, though.
Somewhat, anyway. Contestants actually put through tests of both
social and business acumen, too. |
Tie. Originally interesting,
Survivor's format gets muddled a bit each time, but
the core routine is rapidly showing its age. The Apprentice just works, and the limits and dynamics of inter-contestant
strategy on the show have
only just begun to be
tested. |
| Contestants |
 Dim
enough to be amusing as they strategize, yet highly-strung and
self-important enough to provide campsite fireworks on cue. You
can't not watch them, not unlike a train wreck. |
 Smarter,
but significantly less colorful than the Survivor casts.
In fact, many are outright dull. On the other hand, would you
let Robb Zbacnik or Big Tom Buchanan run a piece of your empire?
We think not. |
Slight
edge to Survivor casts, purely on entertainment value.
 |
| Challenges |
If
you've seen one season, you've seen them all. Obstacle courses,
fire building, swimming and diving, puzzles, trivia, or combinations
thereof. Editing required to make them seem close. The repetition
dulls
your senses. |
Business-related
activities from real life. And since the salesmanship requires
interaction with non-TV people, |
Far
and away, The Apprentice. Although it could slip after
multiple seasons.
 |
| Unscripted
"drama" |
As
in, all the stuff that happens away from challenges and tribal
councils. Lack of food and sleep makes Type A people irritable,
which leads to viewing "pleasure." Repeat every six months. Although
"romance" subplots are more painful to watch than those kids
acting and singing on Barney. |
Here,
since the cast lives a relatively pampered life, there's not
much to stir the non-challenge, non-board room pot, apart from
the casting ringers (Sam, Omarosa) thrown in for dramatic
effect. Worse yet, this fills almost half the show. Painful,
dull, and even lamer than The Real World. We really
don't care one bit about Nick and Amy, sorry. |
Solidly
Survivor.
|
| Hosts,
non-contestants |
 Here,
you're stuck with a choice between Jeff Probst and nature footage.
The animals are usually more interesting. |
 Coming
into this, you'd think: Donald Trump? For an hour? But he's used
sparingly, and used well. Even his business cliches seem fresh,
at least when paired with contestants violating them. Trump's
lieutenants also provide occasional wit and insight. |
Hands
down, The Apprentice. Probst, you're fired.
|
| Plausibility |
As
artificial and unrelated to real survival (especially when
those with actual skills are rapidly dispatched) as humanly possible.
Gilligan's Island has more survival content. |
Clearly
staged (you never see the cast saying "I'm from this show with
Donald Trump and..." in their sales pitches), but far more believable
as a test of corporate worth. |
Once
again, no contest, The Apprentice.
|
| Security |
*Yawn*
For all its threats of multi-million dollar lawsuits, Survivor is
more spoiled than a child growing up in the Bush family. Just
check out Survivornews.net each
week to learn the bootee before the show airs. |
Same
threats from the same production staff. Not surprisingly, similar
number of leaks, at least if you know where to look. Just check
out ApprenticeNews.net each week to learn the firee before the
show airs. |
Tie.
Two equally leaky vessels. |
| Overall |
And
the winner, by a (the) hair, is... The Apprentice.
Trump's commanding presence makes Burnett's heavy-handed
over-editing
perilously
close to tolerable.
Who would
have guessed
this was possible? |
|
Burnett
vs. Burnett
